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Monthly Archives: May 2014

Love Throughout the Ages

Many people believe in reincarnation. Some believe that love is the same throughout each lifetime, that we will love one person many times over and that never changes.

A long time ago, I had a friend who was obsessed with Gackt, the Japanese singer. She wanted me to listen to his songs and she told me everything that made him so completely awesome. One of those things was that he claimed to be born in 1540, which would make him 474 years old. Was he a vampire? Perhaps.

Yet, another of the things I was told about him was that he believed his love was born a bit later than him and he was looking for her. Although this story is very similar to the stories I’ve heard personally from many different people about their own love lives, I wonder how true it is and if lovers in past lives can remember one another in this one or in a future one. Although I cannot find half of the material online that used to be available a decade ago, many of the women in Gackt’s music videos are foreign and blond. This all fits a stereotype that his love is a foreigner and he rose to fame only to seek her out and bring her to him since he had no idea where to start looking for her. The music video below, Le Ciel, pictures a post-apocalyptic world with a lost child searching for something or someone.

For a Christian, I don’t believe in reincarnation. And even before I became a Christian, the idea was absurd. One life was enough. To repeat a life, even if it was a different life, over and over again was maddening in my opinion. I fought deja vu constantly and the reminder it brought that I was already living a life that I once lived, as if I messed up somehow along the way and must cycle it on repeat until I finally accomplish what was undone. But reincarnation is impossible–isn’t it?

For many people who experience a similar type of “reincarnated love memory” like Gackt who is desperately seeking his past love, how can you tell if that was the person you actually loved in a past life, the only love you will ever love in your many reincarnated lifetimes? Maybe it’s all beyond me.

Still, I wonder what it would be like to have a love so great that you would want that same love many lifetimes over. It must be kind of nice to love someone so much, that you’d want every lifetime with them.

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2014 in Diary

 

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Things That Matter

In today’s very busy society, we often forget to take out time for things that matter: family, friends, loved ones–but what about strangers?

Reading Rainbow was a PBS broadcast that aired in 1983 and promoted reading for children. It was canceled in 2006, reruns ran until 2009, and in 2012, a Reading Rainbow app was introduced for tablets. Today, Reading Rainbow has a dream of reaching every child and every school through its new web-based browser, funded solely on the support from people like us through KickStarter.com. With this new browser, reading can be fun and educational to children everywhere and the browser will be provided free of charge to cash-strapped schools.

When I was growing up, I watched Reading Rainbow every day. It was one of the best programs that actually read entire children’s books and made it fun. I didn’t have access to books through the library (I was a kid and had no transportation) and our school libraries didn’t stock books that I was interested in reading. My love of reading grew from this wonderful show and it helped me to become the person that I am today: a writer, an author, and a lover of books everywhere.

Please support a cause that matter to you. Mine is Reading Rainbow. If anyone would like to make donations, please do so here at KickStarter. Thank you.

A stranger is only a friend that you don’t know yet.

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2014 in Diary

 

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The Price of Silence

My day was beautiful and happy…but now I’m worried. And it bothers me because I can’t have one perfectly good day without something going on. Maybe I’m just being stupid about all of it, but I know better. What am I missing? Connect the dots. I didn’t see it sooner. I hope I’m wrong. And if I’m not wrong, I hope I’m not too late.

Five years ago, Brian stopped talking to me. Out of the blue. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t tell anyone why. We were very good friends. I was mad. I was so mad because I didn’t do anything wrong. So I let him walk away. That was sometime in May.

Five months later, I was driving really early in the morning to work. I worked at a bakery and I had to open the store at 4am to start baking. Work was over an hour away from where I lived. I was on a four-lane highway and there were no cars in either direction. It was October and I was running a bit late for some reason. I drove a 4-door Toyota Corolla. I was in one of the middle lanes. As I was driving, the headlights caught this huge shape on the side of the road. It was bigger than my car. And it was dead. It was a wolf, the biggest creature I’ve ever seen in my life.

Strange things happen to me. I’m not a stranger to it. The wolf was on its side with its back towards the road. The headlights hit the backside, the tail, the legs, the body, the head…it was surreal. No such thing existed and I knew that. But I saw it as clear as day and I knew what it was. I didn’t have time to swing back around and take a second look. I wished I did. There were no leaf piles, nothing on the side of the road, no buildings in sight and the tree line was a good far distance from the road. There was no logical explanation for the dead body I knew I saw. I wasn’t half asleep and I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink. But all day long, I knew something was wrong and I had to wait an entire work shift before I could go home and find out what happened.

I had forgotten about Brian up until that morning. My life was busy. Besides, Brian lived in Florida. I lived in South Carolina. He stopped talking to me back in May and I let it be. He had an affinity to wolves. Let’s just say that I took Shaar, the wolf I have now, from Jon, an Alpha.

My life suddenly sounds like a Patricia Briggs romance novel without the romance. Real life is stranger than fiction. And Brian was a very special individual. He was the only seer whose sight could keep up with mine. But that’s a different story.

I will never forget the words Tiffany said to me when I called her after I got home and searched for her number. “Didn’t anyone tell you? Brian died in July.”

It was a joke, right? It had to be. Brian couldn’t be dead. He was seventeen. He had a whole life to live ahead of him. How could he just die? And she gave me the obituary link and the newspaper and when I looked, I couldn’t stop crying. Brian did die. Shot gun to the chest. In the middle of his high school football field. It was ruled out as a suicide. I knew better. I lost three people that same way that year. Brian was the first. A distant uncle was the second. Hunting accident. Right through the chest. And my cousin was the third–the only one I liked in that family who was a halfway decent guy. He had seven kids and the gun found by his body was tested and found to have never been shot. No one heard anything all night, even the neighbor who was up and the houses barely had enough space between them to walk through. It happened in the backyard. He didn’t kill himself.

Jon said that Brian was happy. The night before he died, Jon and Brian hung out and drank and had a good time. They were up all night laughing and chilling out. Tiffany said that there was no indication that he would take his own life. They were supposed to have been moving to Washington that summer. Florida wasn’t the place for them. They were going to meet Tiffany’s mate and they were all going to Washington. Brian wanted me to move with them. Jon approved. But I wasn’t a part of that world. I told Brian I couldn’t go. That wasn’t my life and I was sorry. We were just really good friends.

We were okay until Brian’s ex came back into the picture. I wasn’t interested so the woman who was around my age (24) didn’t bother me. People did what they wanted. I don’t control anyone’s life. But Brian worried because his ex was powerful. And jealous. He didn’t want her to hurt me. I understand wanting to protect someone, but don’t block me out because you think it’s for my own good. Arianna wanted to be with him again and he stopped talking to me to protect me. All this didn’t come from him. It came from Jon who later explained things to me.

Before Brian died, there was a part where he told Jon that he couldn’t fight the demons anymore. He couldn’t take it anymore. This was all after we stopped talking. I felt guilty for a long time…like I could’ve stopped him from dying if I tried. It was a choice he made and I went along with it and the consequences were dire.

And here, the past comes back to haunt me. Brian’s gone. I can’t change that. But something else is happening to someone I care about right now and I am not about to lose someone else. I can’t save the world, but I can sure as hell not let the same thing happen again.

A very good friend of mine stopped talking to me about a month ago. I can’t imagine why because we were very good friends. He got a girlfriend around that time, a mutual friend of ours whom I’m also very close to. No one knows why he stopped talking to me. He went off at another friend who mentioned my name to him. Strange behavior. And I was confused and a bit mad. I let him walk away too. I didn’t connect the dots until today when I heard a song that he sent me in the past and I knew something was going on. Something bad.

My day was happy and beautiful. My friends were amazing. I’m very lucky. I have found incredible and wonderful people whom I can call friends. So all day today, I had a permanent cheesy grin on my face. And then it clicked. And now I’m worried. I’m worried for my friend who might be in over his head.

You won’t protect me if you get yourself hurt! I’d be hurt too!

Magic is a very real thing. And as unbelievable as it is, so are werewolves and vampires. And many other things. Most myths and legends are pretty much true tales.

Before my friend stopped talking to me, a girl who can’t seem to understand his disinterest in her wanted to find out the source of his power. Because I’m an idiot and I don’t care to guard myself or anything like that, the three she sent after him, came to me. He was doing something for me at the time. And I ate them. When I tracked them, they came from my friend. I didn’t believe it, so I asked Angelus who said they came from the girl.

When I asked him about it, he told me to let him investigate it some more. Knowing that the girl is super jealous and tries to claim him as her property, he wanted to make sure they came from her. But because they were specific to a certain sort of magic that she worked with, because of the way they appeared to me, and because Angelus said so, I had no doubt they came from her. It wasn’t very long after that incident that my friend stopped talking to me. I didn’t put two and two together back then. I understand it now.

My good friend is his girlfriend. I don’t want anything to happen to her either. I don’t personally know the girl who sent the three, but I’m not very fond of anyone or anything spying, holding hostage what’s mine, threatening me in my own home, and trying to accomplish whatever odd thing they’re supposed to do. I’m not a good person. It brings the evil out of me. And there’s a lot of evil.

I am not going to let my friends be hurt by some selfish immature child who wants to power trip, no matter how old that child is. Or arrogant. I don’t think there’s anyone more arrogant than I am. And I don’t mind at all to prove that.

Brian kept me out of his life to keep me from being hurt. In the end, he was the one who got hurt. I’m not completely heartless. That hurt me too.

Keeping me in the dark and keeping me out of your life won’t protect me from being hurt if you end up getting hurt. Just because I avoid magic doesn’t mean that I won’t use it and I’ve got an incredible sight. Life is filled with enough pain and suffering. People shouldn’t hurt other people. And they say I’m the monster.

I miss you. I’m sorry you left.
We were very good friends.
I’ll be with you when you enter the shadows.

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2014 in Diary

 

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Illusions

I got a message from a friend today that had me thinking about a lot of things. Not sure how to put it down in words because it’s not anything bad, it’s that we’re all just different in our likes and dislikes and beliefs and stuff. And it’s not just that certain friend, it’s everyone. It’s about who we are and how we are.

I have another friend who pretty much wants me to accept him for how he is: mean, grumpy, somewhat unsatisfied with life, but it’s a double standard when he expects me to be and act a certain way. It’s worse when I care enough to try and compromise because friendship isn’t about changing who you are for someone else. I’m about to be sexist for a moment. It’s like the differences in men and women in relationships. You don’t often see any guy with a less than attractive girl. But you will often see an attractive girl totally in love with a not so desirable man.

I have friends who aren’t even really friends. I have a friend on Facebook who used to steal from me and my friends and twist our words to each other so that everyone would always be in constant battle with one another. I think the fact that she now lives at least half a dozen states away helps with us still having each other in “friend” reference just in case. If she needed help, would I ever help her? Yes. Would she do the same things again? More than likely. Am I stupid for keeping her around?  Probably so.

I haven’t even been a good friend to my friends. I hardly talk to anyone, I don’t participate in anything, and I’m awful at writing people.

Life would be easier if it was like in books and movies. I’d have a better time adjusting to my own characters’ lives instead of the one I live. If I spent less time avoiding certain things and more time focusing on turning all of this into an awesome adventure/fantasy, I’d be the most powerful wizard in all the wizardry world of Harry Potter! *hahaha* What’s funnier is how there’s some truth to that. I really do enjoy the Harry Potter movies.

Books and movies follow real life, and not the other way around. Even in complete absurd fantastic tales of weirdness and madness, real life intervenes because we as people, know only as much as ourselves. That’s because we are only ourselves. Who else could we be?

While it’s true that we could be some Spanish inquisitor during the 1500’s, a Wallachian prince during the 1400’s, travel the known seas in the 1300’s with a bunch of sweaty men and no indoor plumbing, conquer China in the 1200’s, and be a part of the Crusade in the 1100’s–we as human beings have a collective consciousness in a way. Our stories follow our lives. Our gods and goddesses are given human characteristics and emotions. No matter what time period we belong to or what life we’ve lived and are living now–we’re all people. We can’t escape that. We all still strive for fairly the same things–some, more than others and some, to more extremes than others. We all have the same basic needs: love, attention, belonging, appreciation…we’re all just humans. Most of us.

I don’t know. I’m not the dark and brooding type. Neither am I the happy and ignorantly blissful type. I’m just me–extremely weird and not very interesting. And my stories are a bit insane because I am. It’s what I can relate to. So yes, insanity and madness aren’t strangers to me or my life. I just don’t speak a lot about that part because it would scare some people and disgust others and get me those crazy she-should-be-locked-up-in-a-padded-room kind of looks.

As Curtis Armstrong says in TBS’ King of the Nerds, “nothing is nerdier than getting picked last”. The point of that saying isn’t getting picked last, it’s not belonging with the rest and all human beings have felt that way at least once in their lives–like they didn’t belong.

No wonder then why cults are so popular. It’s not about the charismatic speaker or the strict rules or the strange rituals. It’s about belonging somewhere where you matter, even if the part where you matter is only an illusion.

A long time ago, when I was part of a group called Project X, a friend dedicated this song to me. It was a great likeness to who I was, to who we all were, because we at PX, didn’t belong anywhere. We were a cult in a way, because we were like family. We were always together for the longest time. Fifteen years come my birthday in November. It was a few short days after my sixteenth birthday that I happened upon PX. What I missed most was having people who understood me no matter how crazy and foolish I sounded.

VNV Nation’s Illusion and Andy Huang’s Dollface

“Illusion”

I know it’s hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don’t want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you’re human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand. Please, don’t cry now

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate;
For all the hurt that you feel,
The world is just illusion, trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That’s not what I believe, and it doesn’t matter anyway
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, but I’m still not sure
But what I do know, is to us the world is different
As we are to the world but I guess you would know that

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change;
For all the hurt that you feel,
This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change;
For all the hurt that you feel,
This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

All my stories aren’t actually about belonging somewhere. The vampire series, yes. Marisa wants a family and she’ll do anything to keep the family she has, even if she has to suffer for them. Other stories, not so. But every story has some truth about basic human needs. Every story, including the vampire series, has to have love in it in one form or another. Love is the most basic desire of not only human beings, but every creature that has life on this planet. Even plants die without love. Don’t believe me? Try an experiment. Buy a plant. Buy two of the same plants. Take care of one. Neglect the other. One will wither and die. Every living thing needs love and every human being needs love.

There is a world, invisible to most. And even them there, they need love. I haven’t quite figured out if that’s just how it is, or if they’re all just playing on human sympathies. I guess I’m lucky in that I am safe. I have always been safe–safe enough that I haven’t personally come across all the things that have proven to be harmful for this reality.

For a Christian, I walk a very fine line in what I believe and how I have to handle my life. My past helps me to relate to others, but I find most Christians less than concerned about their own salvation while trying to save others. It’s a bit amusing, coming from me, but then again, I don’t pretend I’m going up when I’m going down. I’m actually not a very good person. And I’m really mean to Christians–for their own good, of course. I’m not a good person and I often reiterate that. People tend to feel surprised or betrayed when I am less than ideal. I’ve already told you so. You were just lying to yourself.

Which reminds me, I do need to write a certain church lady. And I have two letters to write to people I don’t even talk to, but people who need a friend. I don’t strive to matter in people’s lives. I strive to be a better person than the one that I am right now. And I strive for people’s lives to matter. How do I manage that last one? I don’t even know. It’s what I hope for.

And if I, being completely human, can blend in this much when I don’t belong, imagine all the other things blending in right now that truly don’t belong.

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2014 in Diary

 

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Evil in the Modern Age

There’s an old Hmong man in Minnesota who killed his son and then tried to kill himself over installing cable. He’s 84 and his son was 36 years old. This happened March 29, 2014. What people didn’t know was that the old man wanted his son to pay for an international channel which showcases Hmong women in Thailand. The article can be found here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/29/pang-se-vang-kills-son-over-cable_n_5051802.html

This story may sound bizarre, but it’s a phenomenon that is recently increasing among a lot of the elderly men of this particular ethnic group. Elderly men, mostly in their sixties and up, desire to travel to Thailand to have sex with the women there. Some go as far as planning to take their sons, who have wives and children here, to that country and remarry their sons to the women there. And even with the recent deaths of American Hmongs in Thailand being poisoned by their own immediate family members who live there, this news doesn’t deter these men from doing anything that would allow them to go. This sudden obsession and rage over not being able to go to Thailand to have sex with the native Hmong women there sounds more like demonic possession than simple lust.

Is it really demonic possession?

In the late 1970’s, Hmong refugees from Thailand and Laos began a new life in the United States. Between 1977 and 1986, less than ten years, 116 Hmong men and 1 Hmong woman between the ages of 25 and 44 were found dead with no apparent cause. All the deceased were healthy with no medical history and died in their sleep. This phenomenon was investigated by the federal government and was given the name SUNDS (Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome).Easily explained in the culture of the Hmongs, the cause of death was an evil spirit that suffocates the victim by sitting on the chest during sleep. An entire book written on this event can be found here: http://renincorp.org/bookshelf/hmong_sudden_unexpected.pdf and other articles can be found here: http://www.skewsme.com/hmong.html#axzz327lmCw4B and here: http://theweek.com/article/index/220269/when-dreams-kill-the-phenomenon-of-sleep-paralysis

There is something wicked working in the world today. Evil is in the works and it is not only with the Hmong, but with every ethnic group that exists. There are many questions that have no logical answers and when it’s not enough that we are left without explanations, we turn from logic to faith or the lack thereof.From the movie Constantine:

John Constantine: Detective. What if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?

Angela Dodson: I’d tell you to stay on your meds.

John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.

Angela Dodson: Okay, I’m humoring you. Why?

John Constantine: Who knows. Maybe just for the fun of it. No telling.

Angela Dodson: Oh, so it’s fun? It’s fun when a man beats his wife to death? It’s fun when a mother drowns her own baby? And you think the devil is responsible? People are evil, Mr. Constantine. People.

John Constantine: You’re right. We’re born capable of terrible things, but then sometimes something else comes along and gives us just the right nudge.

Angela Dodson: Well, this has been real educational, but… I don’t believe in the devil.

John Constantine: You should. He believes in you.

constantine

People are indeed evil, as Angela Dobson puts it, but there is also indeed a world beyond our own physical and sensory limitations that causes a tremendous effect here and mainly, it’s not for good.

What I wouldn’t give to be ignorant and blissful, but my blood and my heritage and even those I can’t get rid of betrays my knowledge of such things. There is evil in this world and that evil doesn’t necessarily manifest itself as a red man with horns, hooves, and a tail. Evil can mask itself inside of people and evil can also mask itself to seem like something it isn’t. Evil takes many forms and its appearance in the world is increasing at an alarming rate.

I overheard a conversation today about the horrific acts of different individuals. One man hired thugs to kill his friend’s wife because the friend didn’t want to lend him money. The friend’s wife actually didn’t die, called the cops, and told them that the men called her prior to coming over and trying to kill her. The cops traced the call to a pay phone outside a gas station where the men stopped to buy snacks. They were arrested and the guy who hired them to kill his friend’s wife, committed suicide.

Another man molested his daughter from a very young age and later killed himself because his wife was going to call the cops.

Another man beat his wife and when she ran out of the house screaming and yelling, he pulled off the traditional wrap around cloth she wore and she ran off naked. When the cops came, because she didn’t know any English and he did, he told the cops that she was crazy and when he wouldn’t let her out of the house naked, she started crying and ran off. He was given custody of her and disability for her “craziness”.

Although it seems unfair that I’m listing men who are wicked, there’s plenty of wickedness in women as well. I’ve talked to several women who have committed horrific criminal acts. One woman chopped her boyfriend up into pieces and sent his body parts to his mother. Another woman drove her four kids into the lake (this is a different woman from the famous Susan Smith). Another woman actually cooked her infant and served the deceased child to her husband for dinner. Another woman sexually abused and allowed other people to sexually abuse her own children. Another woman killed the elderly in a care center and then burned the place down to try and hide the truth. Evil is everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate between sexes or races or colors or wealth or status or any of the boundaries that we as human beings, put on one another.

I’m not even sure what I am trying to accomplish with this blog post. I’m still exhausted from yesterday’s events and my brain is too fried to function properly.

There’s so much wrong in today’s world. I just wish there was something right.

 

 
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Posted by on May 19, 2014 in Diary

 

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The Adventures of Maeve in Arcadia, Land of the Faes

“What is it that keeps you here?” I asked him. He was old, probably older than dirt which only meant that he was ancient, but he was human in all the senses that humanity were. He ate. He breathed. And he watched football. Or at least that was my impression of it.

“Duty,” he replied. The ArchDuke was no stranger to being in the land of Arcadia. He guarded the iron tower, a place I’ve seen in my dreams and a place I thought would keep me safe. It was him who grabbed me that day. I had trespassed into the world of the faes, unknowingly and foolishly. Yet, that Arcadia was different from this one. That one was filled with desert and sand. This one was filled with grass and of course, an open mine field as the iron tower was highly booby-trapped. It was not an open place for visitors.

“You know my duty will be over soon. I will leave.”

He glanced up at me. “I’ve come to view you as a daughter,” he said. I wondered if that was a lie or if it was truth. I couldn’t tell. Being human made him dishonest and being ancient made him cunning. “I wouldn’t want you to go so soon.”

I sighed and gave him the best smile I could. I pulled the parchment paper out of my pocket and held it up to him. “I have a free pass to enter and leave as I please,” I replied. “I’m certain I shall visit.”

“Even I only visit here,” he told me. That much was true. The ArchDuke didn’t live in Arcadia, at least not to my knowledge. Where his home was, I wasn’t sure, but I knew it wasn’t here on earth…

Was it?

My mind flickered to a boy, a man, really who was a decade older than I am–but ages aside, where did the ArchDuke live? Where did all supernatural creatures reside?

“Xyr is with me,” I replied. “I doubt I can get rid of that one although he is quite compliant at doing any bidding I need when I have need of him.” Treating dying gods not yet dead as servants wasn’t quite the idea they had in mind as reverence, but I highly doubted their interest in me didn’t include rendering me expendable so I might as well use what I’ve got and make the best of it.

For once, the ArchDuke chuckled. It was difficult to get a smile out of him, much less, something halfway between a smirk and a laugh.

“And that is why you feel so much like a daughter to me.”

“Don’t tell me they’ve kept you locked here away in this castle, pretending you’ve got freedom when you’re really a slave, and didn’t even allow you the courtesy of having children around.”

“No, my dear. You see, I don’t have any children. I’ve already had them.” And somehow, there stretched generations and generations forth of his kin, carving their own fates through time to the current present.

“I feel for you,” I told him. His blue eyes were still so blue and he wore black now, as if our parting was meant to be a heavy heart event. “I wouldn’t want to live forever. I’m not exactly immortal character. I’m much more immoral and that doesn’t fit well with any length of time and unimaginable power.”

He laughed and I wondered if his laughs were an attempt at a last goodbye. I couldn’t stay. Okay, I lied. I could’ve, but Arcadia wasn’t my home and to be split into pieces like I am now–really did no harm, but the point of the matter was that my time was up. I vassalized myself and now, the deed is finished.

The thought of the human vessels I owned came to mind and I pushed the thoughts away. Whether this was the same thing or not, I wasn’t too keen on becoming anyone’s property. Vessels held whatever their owners wanted in them. Mine held demons I pulled out of the children of men. Most of those entities now float in free space, cast off into the farthest reaches of the universe, bound with no hopes of returning. What was I to him? A vessel for a god? No. A god who couldn’t out best my god, which wasn’t even a god at all, is no god. And yet, they each have their own personalities and their own pasts.

“You are a dear one,” he said. “Make no mistake of that.”

I grinned. “You only like me because I know your grandson.”

He erupted in laughter at that. I imagined him like William–blond, blue eyed, going bald–perhaps a bit of an Englishman if I was able to pinpoint his origins. “Grandson? No, and yes. A child of Xyr’s is a child of mine.”

“My same point,” I replied. I was told very few things, short of being told that I was crap and worthless as well. The thoughts anger me as the one who said it angers me and I wished to banish him to the deepest darkest depths of hell if that was possible, yet he resides a constant image in my head and that, I hated and loved all at the same time.

“That would make you a granddaughter.”

I shrugged. “I like old people. It’s fine. You should see my collection. Currently, I have three old ladies that I like, two old men, and I’m certain that collection is growing. I can throw both you and him in there, and Xyr too since he’s quite up there in age.”

“You don’t cease to amuse me,” he replied.

“You sound like many other men,” I told him. “I wish one other person thought so.”

“He will,” the ArchDuke replied. “In time.”

“I wish not to be here in time.” I turned away. The place was so empty. It must’ve been lonely for him being here for so long. Where were all the servants? The dragon keepers and tenders–where were they? The castle was void of life and of even the faintest sounds of footsteps.

“You want to leave now?” I didn’t know if that was genuine pain in the inflection in his voice.

“You said I should leave as soon as I can,” I told him. “He said I did this to myself, which I did and he never forewarned me, knowing it all.”

“You’re disappointed.”

If there were such things as giants, the ArchDuke was one. He towered me and stood perhaps seven feet tall. Or maybe I only felt that small that he was so big. I’ve been disappointed many times and with many people. One more wouldn’t break me.

“I did say you should leave. The world of faes is not for humans.” He paused. “You are here now. You still wish to go?”

“I cannot stay beyond the agreement made.”

“A broken agreement.”

“I held up my end of the bargain, until Mayfel disappeared.”

“And you will never find her,” he whispered in my ear from behind. His hands were steady on my shoulders, heavy as if all the magic he now possessed would turn me to stone at that point so I was going to become a permanent fixture in his home, a cure for his loneliness, perhaps. Where were the dragons?

“I don’t wish to find those that betray me.”

“You betrayed her first,” he said.

“I didn’t realize I was betrayed by someone I trusted,” I replied. It was easy to trust him, as easy as it was to trust his beloved and look where I went wrong there. Three times I was warned to not trust her and I did. Look how far I fell! And twice now, I’ve been warned to being disappointed by him. I know a third one is not far behind. I wasn’t sure if it was disappointment or betrayal.

“Don’t be so sad,” he said. “You have your whole life ahead of you.”

I nodded. “What of you?” I asked him. “What will happen to you?

He smiled. “Funny you worry about me. I will go back to the way that things were before you came.”

That was understandable. If I stayed any longer, I feared the Sims would no longer satisfy my evil cravings for death and destruction and I would take my rampage on existing worlds. Boredom drives me to terrible dangers.

A voice echoes in my head, one that spews out criticism and self-doubt for me. One that chains me with his notions of the insignificance of my existence. Fuck you, I thought to the voice. Since you believe me to be weak, why do you keep tearing me down with your own opinions of my insignificance? Who cares if I believe that I make a difference to others? Since I don’t mean a damn thing to you, fuck off.

The voice wavers and is silent. He’s still silent.

“I will come visit,” I told the ArchDuke. “I am good on my words.”

“I know you are,” he said. He hesitated and I knew he have watched us from the beginning of the agreement.

“You want me to tell him something?” I asked.

“If you don’t mind,” he replied.

“He only bothers me when I think about the bad,” I said. “Most of the time, I’m stupid happy to hear from him so if you have a message, I shall give it to him.”

He nodded. He doesn’t look as old as he is. Was if fae magic that kept him ageless? Or was it my own perversion of not wanting to develop a fetish for old people since I everyone I do take a liking to is much older than myself? It’s the conversation that interests me. Old people can hold an intelligent conversation that isn’t filled with vulgarity and sex and the ignorance of today’s youth and that’s what attracts me.

“What he’s looking for is right in front of him,” the ArchDuke said. “If he can’t understand it, then he’s not as bright as I’ve given him credit for.”

I laughed. “He’s bright, alright. It’s catching him in a talkative mood which makes the difference. And that’s slim to none lately.”

“He’ll come around,” was all he said to me.

“I’m leaving, you know,” I told him. “New York, maybe. I’d like to go to Japan, but that’s a bit of a stretch right now. Maybe I’ll get lost amongst the crowd in the big city.”

“You’re never lost in the crowd.” He pressed his lips on my forehead like he does at times. Then he stiffened and with eyes that sparkled, said in a cold voice to me. “You’re free to leave now.”

I almost protested the icy departure command, but I realized he had a visitor. The ArchDuke hardly ever had visitors. I said nothing, stared at him as I bowed, and walked off in the opposite direction, not looking to see who was the one who entered into the chambers. By the magic content, it was fae. And by the familiarity of a chest stab to the heart, it was female. It was the winter Queen.

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2014 in Ongoing Story Progression

 

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The Turning Vampire Series Origins, Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, and God in the Midst of It

Today, I want to talk a bit about my books, The Turning vampire series, about Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight saga, a bit about how God is involved, and I want to answer some of the comments made by readers who’ve read The Turning.

I wrote The Turning vampire series back in 2009 when I had a lot of free time and there was all the hype about Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight books. I read Twilight and I liked it. I read New Moon and it was okay. At the end, when the perspectives changed from Bella to Jacob, I totally got lost and didn’t like it at all. I scanned through Eclipse and the humungous end book, Breaking Dawn, but I didn’t read them thoroughly as I did the first book. I actually stopped reading halfway through Eclipse. I didn’t understand why there needed to be a change in perspectives. For two whole books, the point of view had always been Bella’s in first person. Why change it now? Jacob was in Twilight. Why not had his point of view inserted from the beginning? And Jacob isn’t even the “hero” of the book. Bella’s the damsel in distress and Edward is supposed to be the hero, so why not had Edward’s point of view instead? It was all too confusing. And from there, I wanted to read a vampire series that was better than Twilight. Since I couldn’t find one, I created my own.

The Turning vampire series isn’t Twilight fan fiction. It’s not based on the unrealistic world of Twilight and their sparkly vampires. No. It’s better in many ways that Twilight can’t even touch on. I started out wanting to write something better, and what I ended up with was a world where characters wrote their own stories and taught me lessons on life and love and on being human.

Marisa starts out a bit like Bella, because my idea was that I could have a main character like Bella, but only so much better. I was horribly arrogant at the time that I wrote The Turning and I have to say that I didn’t really create Marisa–she created herself. I made her shy and awkward, but she quickly taught me that she wasn’t Bella and she was her own person. She wasn’t afraid of life. She was afraid of being alone, like she always had been. And that loneliness was the only thing that made her shy and awkward. If not for that, she would’ve found a way to conquer the world without being a vampire.

The Turning vampire series spans a total of ten books written between 2009 and 2012. The first four books were written in one month, each 300+ page book taking a total of a week to write longhand because all I did was eat, sleep for a few hours, and write all day, every day. My first drafts were insane. When I get really excited, I write very, very super tiny. The most I can fit into one regular ruled line on notebook paper is nine lines–nine sentences! (I will scan and upload an image of my longhand writing for everyone to see! Below, is a different story I wrote on unlined paper. It is 246 lines on regular 8 1/2″ by 11″ printer paper. And yes, I can read my own handwriting, even something that small. ^_^ )

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It was incredible to have written these books. I couldn’t have done it on my own. And I credited God to actually being the one who wrote the series. Most Christians tell me that God doesn’t write vampire novels. And I tell them that they underestimate the power of God. He created everything. Vampire novels are not more powerful than God that He can’t write them. I am a Christian. And although unexpected, The Turning vampire series does have remnants of Christianity inserted into them. It’s not intentional. I don’t categorize the series as being Christian and I don’t market it as a Christian romance novel. (It’s actually more erotica once you hit the second novel. And apparently, sex is taboo for Christians because you will not find Christian erotica anywhere! *lol* ^_^ )

The books were not meant to be categorized into something that makes people read them and find it an ideal way to believe, or worse, to worship them. I don’t have better words at the moment to express my feelings. I think they can be summed up in the underlying theme of the series and of how The Turning vampire novels taught me what humanity is like through the eyes of monsters: we all have great evil in us and we all will fail at one point in time or another to that darkness, but what makes us human is the ability to overcome that, in even the smallest measurement of simply living and continuing to live in love with ourselves and with each other.

I’m sure many people don’t understand that sentence, as I’m not totally sure I understand all of it myself, but The Turning vampire series is a story, a world I was blessed to see and capture in words to share. If people can learn something from the novels that helps them better themselves and their lives, then I’m happy for that. But, the novels themselves are not something that people should look towards to find God in because there’s only one book where we can find Him: the Bible. I don’t want people to misunderstand the reasons of me saying that God wrote the vampire books because He did, but people should not worship a creation instead of the Creator. It is wrong.

Back to my novels. ^_^

Whereas Twilight taught young girls and women how important it was to have a boyfriend and do everything for him, The Turning taught people how important it was to have a family and to protect them.

Marisa lost her parents in a horrible car accident where she almost died too. In a flash, her whole world changed. Although her relationship with her parents were by no means the Brady bunch, she’s a young girl who has some issues of her own like any other normal teenager. And what she wanted most wasn’t a boyfriend, but a family and a place where she belonged.

When she met the Arromanovokzjas, the vampire brothers, she wasn’t some human who mysteriously won the vampire lotto for being picked to fall in love with instead of becoming food–she was a vampire, but one not yet turned. Their interest in her wasn’t that she needed someone to save her from her miserable, boring, mundane life, but that she could become a threat at any time to the humans in the town where they lived. A vampire’s turning was considered a most dangerous event in which the one who is being turned is potentially more dangerous than the ones already turned. Their interest in her was to keep the town safe and to keep her from killing everyone, at the risk of their own lives. Every vampire’s turning is different with two things in common: death and blood, and Marisa’s turning was going to be no exception. But knowing that she had no one else alive and no idea of the life she was going to have to lead, they made the decision to save a whole town for the greater good by asking her to join them so they can watch over her turning.

Marisa is by no means the helpless damsel in distress. Impatient for someone to save her, she does most things by herself, even if she ends up making things much worse than they were before. But no matter how many times she’s fallen and she’s given up, she gets back up and she fights. She doesn’t fight to save Alessander, the oldest, whom she loves. She fights to keep the new family that she became a part of. The only reason why Marisa even considered romantic love was because love was the only bond stronger than the bond formed between a vampire and their Maker, the one who turned them. And in order for the vampire who left her for dead to believe that she is dead, she had to form a bond strong enough to not call her Maker to her.

One of the things that I didn’t like about Twilight was how it approached the subject matter of love. It is a romance novel and I’ve actually read more than enough romance novels who do this same exact thing–they teach people that love is an automatic feeling between two people who don’t even know each other. Love is far from that.

Marisa doesn’t automatically fall irrevocably in love with a vampire because he’s so mysterious and he ignores her like how Bella fell in love with Edward, which makes no sense at all because he totally ignored her and Bella became a crazy stalker who gets kind of creepy and waits for him even when he doesn’t show up at school. That’s not love. That’s obsession. It’s unhealthy. It’s ridiculous to teach girls that it’s okay to throw yourself at a guy who doesn’t want you, even if deep down inside, he really does but he doesn’t show it. That’s like telling people in abusive relationships that it’s okay to stay and be abused because their significant other really loves them. That is the worse thing to teach girls and women and it’s sad that many, many romance novels repeat this theme over and over again. That is not love. And it is not an okay way to treat people, men and women alike.

Marisa made a choice to fall in love and that choice was to save them all from a threat bigger than a turning–the Streigos. (The Streigos are a different type of vampire that have actual gargoyle like bodies and wings. They’re what vampires call “monsters”.) She doesn’t take a look at Alessander and thinks he’s sexy so she wants to be with him. No. That’s ridiculous. She doesn’t even know him!

Alessander taught Marisa about love and boundaries, something that many people need to know about. She needed a way to stop the automatic linking between her and the Streigos who killed her first family to stop him from killing the new family that she now had. And romantic love in all its awesomeness was something stronger than that link. She chose to love Alessander, albeit, she’s a bit wrong in her approach because she doesn’t think things through, but she made the choice after considering all three of her brothers–Alessander, Demetri, and Ra’vin. She didn’t blindly fall in love, she considered her options and chose what was best for her and her family.

Love doesn’t work for most people because people have an unrealistic expectation of what love is. That unrealistic expectation is that there’s an automatic attraction and feeling that will last them through decades of marriage. Love isn’t a feeling. Love is a choice. We choose to love someone. And that choice is what carries us through decades of commitment and honor and working together on a relationship.

One of the things that my readers have commented on was the dynamics of the switch in personalities between Alessander and Demetri. One moment, either one of them can be dark and brooding and the next moment, either one of them can be happy and nice. It was commented that their personalities mixed in too much with each other and they didn’t distinguish themselves as being one-dimensional (either dark and brooding or friendly and happy for example).

Granted, Demetri made the attempt to be nice to Marisa which led him to actually getting to know her. In letting down his walls, he became a better person towards her. But, in defense of Alessander and Demetri and their changing characteristics, I honestly don’t know a single person that is one-dimensional. I’ve never met or known a single person who is so miserable all of the time that everything around them dripped in the excruciating pain of their misery. Or I’ve never met and known a single person who was happy and cheerful all of the time despite how horrible their circumstances may be. Real people are not one-dimensional characters. They have weaknesses and flaws and the Arromanovokzjas are no exception. Their personalities are multifaceted and they have weaknesses and flaws as well.

Ra’vin isn’t even happy all of the time. His personality is only stable because he’s young and Alessander made that known to Marisa when they made the choice to watch over her turning. He specifically told her the reason why Ra’vin was the way that he was–optimistic and hopeful, and it was because while Ra’vin hopes in a future that is bright, Alessander and Demetri have lived and seen human suffering and seen wars and death and blood and they know the truth that hope is a luxury for the young who can afford it because they have not yet suffered the truth of the reality that life is not always kind. And that is the reason why Ra’vin is hopeful and optimistic and almost childlike in his ways. Alessander and Demetri have shielded him from both the vampire world and the human world so what he knows is limited to their love and protection of him.

I also understand that there is confusion where Marisa has the hallucinations that look like Alessander and Demetri, but they aren’t her brothers. The Turning vampire series was all written in first person through Marisa’s point of view. It was written in a specific way so that the reader understands what she understands. With that being said, she doesn’t understand why these things are happening to her. She doesn’t understand how she learned how to stop time if the real Alessander and Demetri didn’t teach her that. The hallucinations play a pretty big role in the story and their roles will be revealed later on as Marisa progresses in her life’s journey. As she comes to understand their meaning and why they’re there with her, the reader then also understands and can look back and connect to all the times that things were confusing and can see how all of it makes perfect sense.

I want to say that I am not smart enough to link something in the first novel, The Turning, to something two or three books down the series because I really would’ve forgotten about it by then. My memory is terrible.

Spoiler alert: there’s one sentence that Marisa comments to Mrs. Brukenheimer during her enrollment at school that I overlooked and didn’t realize had any meaning at all until around the sixth novel being written where it mentions the significance of that one sentence. When asked if Marisa had any family, she commented that her grandparents have died on both sides of the family and she was an only child. She remarked that she had an aunt Margaret who is somewhere in Africa, trying to convert the local natives to Christianity and she’s never seen or heard from this aunt since she was born. Margaret shows up somewhere around maybe book five (Knotted Remains)? I’m not sure, but she’s definitely in the sixth novel (Shadow War–coming soon although I’m typing up the fourth one, Loose Ends, into the computer now). When Marisa made that comment and I wrote it down, I was unaware of the importance of what she she said. I presumed it was just some casual way of trying to not get in trouble while wanting to get her high school diploma, but there were forces at work that day to initiate and prepare a remarkable story that I didn’t even know about when I started writing the novels.

I’m revealing this spoiler because I honestly cannot take credit for the incredible world of vampires in this series. I started writing with the intention of creating something I wanted to read, and instead, I was given the opportunity to see a world and to chronicle it not only for myself, but for others to enjoy too. In the end, everything will make sense and for all the people who’ve read The Turning and might’ve been confused as to Marisa’s kind of schizo personality and hallucinations, the end takes everything from the beginning and shows the reader exactly why things happened and for what reasons they happened. The series has a complete ending and I didn’t know that when I was writing the books. I actually wrote, not knowing where the stories were heading or if there was any meaning to anything or an explanation to it all. I was pleasantly surprised that at the very end of it all, everything came together and connected and it all made sense. All my questions (conscious and unconscious) were answered. Not that I’m telling everyone they have to read all ten books to understand what’s going on, but like in life when we don’t understand something, with time, we may come to an understanding of that something once not understood. I’m sure I didn’t make sense there at all! ^_^

Everything that happens in the novels have significance and meaning. I didn’t know that when I wrote them down. The reader doesn’t get to see parts of any of the characters’ past to fill up space and stretch the books to almost 400 hundred pages for no reason. Everything that Marisa learns about her brothers, the vampires, the Nosferatu, the intruders–Heidrick, Anastasia, and Vasila, her new parents–Lillian and Maxwell, the memories of her own past, all have meaning and connections that I didn’t see or think about when I wrote the stories. And all these connections and all these things that makes sense many books later on and ties everything into what I believe is pretty much one big epic fantasy story, is the reason why I believe I truly had help writing this series. I couldn’t have done it without God so my thanks is always to Him first. He is really the one who wrote these books. It wouldn’t have been possible without Him.

It was an incredible pleasure for me to write The Turning vampire series. This isn’t because I’m some awesome author who will be the next famous multimillionaire when people discover how great my novels are, but it’s because I take great joy in these books that has taught me about myself and about many things in life. I really love the characters and their stories and the greatest joy that I have in publishing the series is to share Marisa and her brothers and my love for them with the entire world. That is what makes me happy, that Marisa’s story is told and that people love something that I love as much as I love it. ^_^

Thank you to all the people who read this incredibly long post. And to everyone who has read The Turning or books two and three in the series, Blood Lust and Masquerade, I am proud to share this incredible story and this amazing world with you. Thank you for taking the time to join Marisa and her brothers on their journeys.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HBKIPUY/

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Posted by on May 12, 2014 in Book Reviews

 

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