The Price of Silence

28 May

My day was beautiful and happy…but now I’m worried. And it bothers me because I can’t have one perfectly good day without something going on. Maybe I’m just being stupid about all of it, but I know better. What am I missing? Connect the dots. I didn’t see it sooner. I hope I’m wrong. And if I’m not wrong, I hope I’m not too late.

Five years ago, Brian stopped talking to me. Out of the blue. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t tell anyone why. We were very good friends. I was mad. I was so mad because I didn’t do anything wrong. So I let him walk away. That was sometime in May.

Five months later, I was driving really early in the morning to work. I worked at a bakery and I had to open the store at 4am to start baking. Work was over an hour away from where I lived. I was on a four-lane highway and there were no cars in either direction. It was October and I was running a bit late for some reason. I drove a 4-door Toyota Corolla. I was in one of the middle lanes. As I was driving, the headlights caught this huge shape on the side of the road. It was bigger than my car. And it was dead. It was a wolf, the biggest creature I’ve ever seen in my life.

Strange things happen to me. I’m not a stranger to it. The wolf was on its side with its back towards the road. The headlights hit the backside, the tail, the legs, the body, the head…it was surreal. No such thing existed and I knew that. But I saw it as clear as day and I knew what it was. I didn’t have time to swing back around and take a second look. I wished I did. There were no leaf piles, nothing on the side of the road, no buildings in sight and the tree line was a good far distance from the road. There was no logical explanation for the dead body I knew I saw. I wasn’t half asleep and I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink. But all day long, I knew something was wrong and I had to wait an entire work shift before I could go home and find out what happened.

I had forgotten about Brian up until that morning. My life was busy. Besides, Brian lived in Florida. I lived in South Carolina. He stopped talking to me back in May and I let it be. He had an affinity to wolves. Let’s just say that I took Shaar, the wolf I have now, from Jon, an Alpha.

My life suddenly sounds like a Patricia Briggs romance novel without the romance. Real life is stranger than fiction. And Brian was a very special individual. He was the only seer whose sight could keep up with mine. But that’s a different story.

I will never forget the words Tiffany said to me when I called her after I got home and searched for her number. “Didn’t anyone tell you? Brian died in July.”

It was a joke, right? It had to be. Brian couldn’t be dead. He was seventeen. He had a whole life to live ahead of him. How could he just die? And she gave me the obituary link and the newspaper and when I looked, I couldn’t stop crying. Brian did die. Shot gun to the chest. In the middle of his high school football field. It was ruled out as a suicide. I knew better. I lost three people that same way that year. Brian was the first. A distant uncle was the second. Hunting accident. Right through the chest. And my cousin was the third–the only one I liked in that family who was a halfway decent guy. He had seven kids and the gun found by his body was tested and found to have never been shot. No one heard anything all night, even the neighbor who was up and the houses barely had enough space between them to walk through. It happened in the backyard. He didn’t kill himself.

Jon said that Brian was happy. The night before he died, Jon and Brian hung out and drank and had a good time. They were up all night laughing and chilling out. Tiffany said that there was no indication that he would take his own life. They were supposed to have been moving to Washington that summer. Florida wasn’t the place for them. They were going to meet Tiffany’s mate and they were all going to Washington. Brian wanted me to move with them. Jon approved. But I wasn’t a part of that world. I told Brian I couldn’t go. That wasn’t my life and I was sorry. We were just really good friends.

We were okay until Brian’s ex came back into the picture. I wasn’t interested so the woman who was around my age (24) didn’t bother me. People did what they wanted. I don’t control anyone’s life. But Brian worried because his ex was powerful. And jealous. He didn’t want her to hurt me. I understand wanting to protect someone, but don’t block me out because you think it’s for my own good. Arianna wanted to be with him again and he stopped talking to me to protect me. All this didn’t come from him. It came from Jon who later explained things to me.

Before Brian died, there was a part where he told Jon that he couldn’t fight the demons anymore. He couldn’t take it anymore. This was all after we stopped talking. I felt guilty for a long time…like I could’ve stopped him from dying if I tried. It was a choice he made and I went along with it and the consequences were dire.

And here, the past comes back to haunt me. Brian’s gone. I can’t change that. But something else is happening to someone I care about right now and I am not about to lose someone else. I can’t save the world, but I can sure as hell not let the same thing happen again.

A very good friend of mine stopped talking to me about a month ago. I can’t imagine why because we were very good friends. He got a girlfriend around that time, a mutual friend of ours whom I’m also very close to. No one knows why he stopped talking to me. He went off at another friend who mentioned my name to him. Strange behavior. And I was confused and a bit mad. I let him walk away too. I didn’t connect the dots until today when I heard a song that he sent me in the past and I knew something was going on. Something bad.

My day was happy and beautiful. My friends were amazing. I’m very lucky. I have found incredible and wonderful people whom I can call friends. So all day today, I had a permanent cheesy grin on my face. And then it clicked. And now I’m worried. I’m worried for my friend who might be in over his head.

You won’t protect me if you get yourself hurt! I’d be hurt too!

Magic is a very real thing. And as unbelievable as it is, so are werewolves and vampires. And many other things. Most myths and legends are pretty much true tales.

Before my friend stopped talking to me, a girl who can’t seem to understand his disinterest in her wanted to find out the source of his power. Because I’m an idiot and I don’t care to guard myself or anything like that, the three she sent after him, came to me. He was doing something for me at the time. And I ate them. When I tracked them, they came from my friend. I didn’t believe it, so I asked Angelus who said they came from the girl.

When I asked him about it, he told me to let him investigate it some more. Knowing that the girl is super jealous and tries to claim him as her property, he wanted to make sure they came from her. But because they were specific to a certain sort of magic that she worked with, because of the way they appeared to me, and because Angelus said so, I had no doubt they came from her. It wasn’t very long after that incident that my friend stopped talking to me. I didn’t put two and two together back then. I understand it now.

My good friend is his girlfriend. I don’t want anything to happen to her either. I don’t personally know the girl who sent the three, but I’m not very fond of anyone or anything spying, holding hostage what’s mine, threatening me in my own home, and trying to accomplish whatever odd thing they’re supposed to do. I’m not a good person. It brings the evil out of me. And there’s a lot of evil.

I am not going to let my friends be hurt by some selfish immature child who wants to power trip, no matter how old that child is. Or arrogant. I don’t think there’s anyone more arrogant than I am. And I don’t mind at all to prove that.

Brian kept me out of his life to keep me from being hurt. In the end, he was the one who got hurt. I’m not completely heartless. That hurt me too.

Keeping me in the dark and keeping me out of your life won’t protect me from being hurt if you end up getting hurt. Just because I avoid magic doesn’t mean that I won’t use it and I’ve got an incredible sight. Life is filled with enough pain and suffering. People shouldn’t hurt other people. And they say I’m the monster.

I miss you. I’m sorry you left.
We were very good friends.
I’ll be with you when you enter the shadows.

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Posted by on May 28, 2014 in Diary


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