I’ve always been crazy. Ask anyone I know. Ask my family. They’ll tell tales of how I used to speak of different worlds, different homes, and different families when I was younger. They’ll tell tales of how I used to stare out in space or of how I’d leave them, trying to find the places of where I belonged that wasn’t here. I didn’t belong here. And I still don’t.
For all the people who know and still stayed, for all the ones who accepted me–crazy or not, and for all the people who still love me for all of me, thank you. For all the rest, I will sound crazy and that’s okay. People’s opinions don’t matter. Being true to myself does. And if I believe in different worlds and different homes and different families, then so be it.
I feel like it’s my birthday. One day a year, I wake up feeling this amazing calm. Everything’s still and in that stillness, I feel as if I am a bit wiser, that overnight, I had somehow managed to come to some hidden knowledge. The next day, however, is a different story. I wake and feel as if I’ve taken two steps backwards. So the one step I took forward the day before is canceled out, and not only that, but I went backwards one more step. I hope that’s not the case with how I feel today. For one day, let me drift along in the peace and quietness of my mind and my heart and my soul, for such peace doesn’t come very often. I want to stay in it for as long as I am able to.
Time to get things done that I haven’t been able to get to: the websites, the old people, the book writing, the dreams, the magic…lots to do, starting with cleaning out skeletons in the closet–wherever the closet is.
We’re all just standing there, standing around with nothing to do. Her, the cruelest of all the parts of me, wriggles and tries to free herself. That last event triggered something that broke what bounds we had with each other. I assimilate her formed parts, sucking her back inside and binding her there. She’s malice in strength and form. And she’s not going to ever be free.
I turn to Angelus who stares at me with that look on his face that says, I told you so. It’s not what I want to hear, so I turn away.
“You did it,” Xyr says, breaking the silence. “I told you not to.”
I shrug my shoulders. “It brings me peace,” I reply. And it did. Right now, I am peaceful. I am calm.
“I’m glad I stopped you from tearing the last one,” he says. “You’ll regret it.”
“I regret not tearing it now,” I say.
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he says.
“I never know what I’m saying,” I admit. “My life’s complicated enough without the complications of someone else. Why bother? Do you want to know what God says?”
He cringes and makes a sort of disgusted face. “You and Him, I don’t understand it.”
I shrug again. “He’s pretty awesome actually.” I stare at Xyr for a while. I turn to Angelus and he shrugs too. “He put all of us here and allowed all of us here. Why do you dislike Him so much?”
“God,” Xyre says, scrunching up his nose and flapping his tongue around as if the word was something distasteful in his mouth.
I laugh. “I wouldn’t be here if not for Him, so let’s just leave it at that.” I pause and then grin. “Unless you’d like to make that face again. I should take a picture for my scrapbook.”
“This face?” Xyr asks, tilting his head severely to the side and grinning from ear to ear like the mad Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland.
I shake my head and laugh. “You look a bit scary like that.”
“Do I now?” He steps closer to me and I stand my ground, pushing him away with a hand on his chest.
“Not that scary,” I tell him. I turn to Angelus. “Can we do something?” I ask. “I’m utterly bored.”
“What do you want to do?” he asks me.
“Have you and Shaar eaten?” He only stares at me. “Fine. Do you and Shaar want to eat?” Still no word. I throw my hand up in the air and blow out a puff of a sigh. “Where’s Volk when I need him? He’d have something for me to do.”
“Volk?” Xyr raises a curious eyebrow and I knew that look well, no matter who it was plastered on. That look that says, I want a piece of that.
“An old friend. He’s gone now.”
“He’s not–” Angelus replies and I shoot him a stare. He suddenly stops speaking.
“Is he now?” Xyr asks, bending over to stare at me. He’s pretty tall, but last time I checked, Angelus and I was any height we wanted to be.
“Don’t even think about it,” I order. “You touch mine and I will touch yours.”
He frowns for a moment, and then smiles. “Go ahead. Thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with him.”
“I don’t,” I say sternly. “Stop trying to trick me.”
He laughs. “You trick yourself,” he says. “You pretend to have free will, to be able to choose. You are only a pawn in my hands.”
I sadly shook my head at him. “I bring up the name ‘God’ and you cower. Really, Xyr? I thought you were all great and powerful. Perhaps I should feed you to Ellis, blasphemous queen of heaven.”
He frowns.”Your queen of heaven is a dangerous demon.”
“Not mine,” I correct him. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
He pauses for a moment, then leans down close to my face. “You don’t know that I’m part of the Watchers.”
“I could’ve guessed it,” I tell him. “So is Angelus.”
He turns to Angelus and nods. “You’re a bright one,” he says.
“You all are the bright ones. Want to see the others?” I ask. It wasn’t the first time that I had been there–to the stars. Angelus’ star was more of a dead asteroid. It had some gravity, but very little, not that we needed gravity. All dark gray rock. It was nice. The emptiness of space was just that: emptiness.
“You’ve been there?” Xyr asks.
I nod. “I know too many of you,” I reply. “For a long time, they wouldn’t stop bothering me. I was bombarded left and right and Angelus and I were constantly attacked by then.” He turns to Angelus and Angelus shook his head. “He doesn’t remember,” I say. “That was a different Angelus many years back.”
Angelus shrugs and Xyr turns back to me. “You were attacked?” I nod. “You survived?”
“I’m standing here, aren’t I?”
He looks at me dumbfounded. “You can survive an attack by my brothers?”
“It’s easy,” I say. “None of this is real.” I stuck my tongue out at him and he didn’t understand the joke.
“It’s real,” he says.
I roll my eyes and turn to Angelus. “So, want to go hunting or something? I’m sure Shaar will enjoy the hunt.”
Xyr grabs my arm and I glance back to him. “How did you survive?” he asks, still determined to find out how I could possibly survive an attack by an army of angels.
I glance down at his hand. “Let go,” I say. He gives me a confused look. I pry his fingers off with my other hand.
He stares at me for a long while. “What are you?” he asks.
I smile. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I ask him. He nods his head. “Another time,” I say. And Xyr stares at me with his blue self, no longer shielded by a body. “You want to test me?” I ask him.
“You will die,” he says, indicating that if he did test me, I wouldn’t survive the test.
“Let’s battle,” I say. I shift into battle gear and then stop. “This is stupid and I’m sleepy,” I tell him. “Let’s all nap.”
“No,” Xyr replies.
He didn’t have a choice. He was out cold. And when he wakes, he won’t remember anything that happened while I was there today. And neither will Angelus.
I still have peace. I will sleep. I am tired and exhausted in too many ways to name or explain. Until next time.