Disturbia–Not the Movie and Not the Song

24 Jun

What is disturbing to you?

Is it disturbing when a mother kills her own child? ( and and

Is it disturbing when a man attacks another man and eats his face off? ( and

Is it disturbing that monster/beast erotica is a popular trend in literature? ( and and and and

Is it disturbing that many cultures around the world marry off girls as young as eight or nine years old to men old enough to be their fathers? ( and and and and

Is it disturbing that 1 out of 6 people (42.6 million with 1.6 million children) live in poverty in the United States and that more than a third of those are children? ( and and and )

Is it disturbing that over half a million people (roughly over 600,000) are homeless on any given night and a third of those are children? ( and and

Is it disturbing that 14% of adults in the United States (32 million) can’t read? ( and and

Ever wonder if you’re the only one who feels a certain way? Ever wonder if you’re the only one who goes through a certain experience? Ever wonder if you’re alone?

Deep thinking makes my head hurt. So music helps a lot. I found this pretty cool remix of Game of Thrones by MelodySheep on YouTube called The Dragon’s Daughter. It’s interesting. It’ll help with softening the harsh things I’ve been thinking about.

And I swear to you that those who would harm you will die screaming. I am the Dragon’s daughter. You shall have a golden crown men shall tremble to behold. And I swear to you, I am the Dragon’s daughter.

What are monsters?

We usually think of human monsters as terrifying people who did monstrous things. Many names come to mind: John Wayne Gacy, Vlad the Impaler, Albert DeSalvo, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, the Marquis de Sade, Ted Bundy, and any number of serial killers. Many people know who the named were, infamous for their deeds while alive. Many people would include the Nazis in that list. But are any of these people really monsters? Ordinary people can do monstrous things.

What does that mean?

It means that human monsters are just like us. We are capable of all the great evil they’ve done. Many will deny that they could ever do such things–but can we really be capable of such horrific things? Yes. Human monsters are not monsters, but human. And we too, are human.

This is probably one of the most difficult posts for me to write, not because of the nature of the post, but because of the great misunderstanding that people will have because they don’t understand. How do you explain to someone that they cannot look at any single human being or at any group and believe that they are less than human no matter what they’ve done? By no means do I condone people going about doing great evil. The point of all of this is to tell everyone that we are all the same. We all have the same temptations. We all have the same thoughts. We all have the same distorted lusts. We are not alone. This post isn’t about being wicked. It is about understanding that we are not alone in our battles. Everyone is fighting the same battle that we are–the battle for our souls.

I’m an author. I write paranormal romance novels. My vampire series has sex, blood, and violence in them. It’s not that surprising to me that there is erotica in every subcategory possibly conceived to mankind. What’s the difference between vampire erotica and dinosaur erotica? What’s the difference between what I write and rape erotica? Or incest erotica? Beast erotica is superbly popular from regular animals to animal hybrids and halfbreeds that resemble humans to mythological creatures like werewolves and vampires to supernatural creatures like ghosts and demons and angels to cryptozoological monsters like bigfoot and aliens (among others).

(I’m fully aware that I’m about to put my foot in my mouth many times before this post is done. I’ll probably just end up confusing people. *frowns*)

How is it any better or more respectable that I write vampire erotica than someone who writes about incestuous relationships in their novels? Technically, vampires are all related by blood–literally. Aren’t they all pretty much related too?

Virginia Wade makes $30k a month on ebook sales writing bigfoot erotica ( There’s a market for this and things like this–and what does that even mean? It means that we, as humans, have really perverted lusts and we’re really open about it.

I’m really one for saying it since I write erotica, in the sense that there’s plenty of sex in the vampire series (please remember there’s also an incredible plot that is the main focus of the series), and I feel like I’m about to get witch hunted for mentioning that we’re all very blatant with our lack of morals and ethics, but it’s not about the perversion or the lust or how much one particular fetish sells. It’s about us, as human beings, and how far we’ve come to all of this–to accepting it and to advertising and condoning it as if it’s okay. We are compromising ourselves and defending our wickedness by comparison to others which isn’t the point. The point is that we are exactly all the same. We are exactly all the same.

How do we judge other people when we’re exactly the same like them? Human monsters are ordinary people who do monstrous things and we are ordinary people capable of monstrous things. We’re not different. We’re all the same.

Vampire sex isn’t really all that bad since they’re basically humans.

Really? And that makes it okay because they’re kind of human? Have we forgotten that they drink blood and kill? (That’s a made up sentence by me as an example of an excuse. You can take out the word “vampire” and replace it with any number of other things and add any excuse you see fit.)

Do I get off on vampire porn? I get off on porn, period. This is only important because as a species, we as human beings, are preoccupied with our lust for not only sex, but for a multitude of things as long as they’re exciting and new and it feels good.

We get off on people dying. Sad to say, but it’s true. There is no book or movie or game that doesn’t involve anyone not dying. Titanic, awesome James Cameron movie that it is, would not be the same if Jack didn’t die. Almost every Disney movie kills off at least one parent and the bad guy. Disney promotes sex–something I didn’t know until now, even though I’m an avid watcher of Disney movies and cartoons and anime. A good book or movie always has someone that dies. Lots of people dying makes things great instead of simply good. How have we fallen so far that we promote sex and death and violence?

Yet, we can say that our lusts are okay and acceptable while serial killers and rapists and child molestors and terrorists and communists are evil and wicked. How do we even begin to justify ourselves while we condemn everyone else?

I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense. How do we say it’s okay when we think of something or do something, but it’s wrong when someone else does pretty much the same thing?

But, wait. I’m not going to rape someone or molest a child or torture millions of people or impale people on stakes or any of that stuff. What’s so wrong with me reading vampire erotica and enjoying it?

Wrong is still wrong. It’s not about the amount. It’s the fact that it’s the same kind of wrong as every other wrong we think and know is wrong. There’s no middle ground. Just because the possibility of something like a vampire existing is super slim, that doesn’t make it okay to lust after one. Just because we tell one lie doesn’t make it more okay than if we’ve told hundreds of lies.

This is getting complicated. How do I effectively say what I want to say without losing everyone I’m trying to share this with? Let’s try this a bit differently.

Have you ever experienced something super horrible that made you feel like you were the only person in the world that that happened to? We’ve all been there. You’re not alone.

Have you ever thought of killing anyone? We’ve all thought of it. You’re not alone.

(It’s a quarter past 1am. I’ll finish this tomorrow, I hope. I need to sleep and my head needs to rest.)

Hm…it sounds like I’m telling people it’s okay to go out and do monstrous things. No, it’s not okay. That’s not what I’m saying. But if you’ve ever thought about such things or have had dark thoughts and desires, you’re not alone. So it’s okay to get help. From where is the question. Sighs.

I don’t think there’s any delicate way to tell people that they’re really just awful and that it’s okay that they’re terrible because they’re loved anyway. I’m pretty sure that would just mean that I’ll get slapped in the face a lot by random strangers. Not something I want to happen. And not the best way to tell someone about love, but I guess I don’t have any tact. Or a better word is manipulation. I’m awful at convincing people things. I’m terrible at explaining things. And I’m worse at trying to sell anyone anything.

If you strip away everything we’ve done–whether we think it’s good or bad–you still have a human in the midst of it. A person. An individual. No matter how saintly or corrupt we each are, we’re all still the same at our very core. And it is us, our souls, everything that we are minus the perceived good and bad that is worth saving.

Our generations are corrupted. Our generations are perverted. Our generations are disturbed.

Hell wasn’t made for humans. And although every single one of us deserves to go there–from the perceived worst to the perceived best (because there is none that is good)–we are worth saving. Every person is deserving of hell. It is because of grace that we are saved from hellfire.

The message is getting lost.

When I was young, I used to believe that the fallen angels were going to be saved. If God was good and He loves us and He also created them, why wouldn’t He love them too and save them since He is love? I was wrong. I didn’t understand back then. My understanding was clouded. Yes, God is love, but people often forget that He is also just. And most importantly, that He is not limited by our knowledge and understanding of Him. We want God to be whom and what we want Him to be and it just doesn’t work that way.

There are Christians now who still believe that the fallen angels would be saved. Just as there are Christians now who believe that in the end, every person will be saved–a sort of universal salvation.

Two days and I’m tired of writing. I’ll try it another time when I can get the right words to say what needs to be said.



Posted by on June 24, 2014 in Diary


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 responses to “Disturbia–Not the Movie and Not the Song

  1. Joanne

    June 26, 2014 at 4:03 am

    “Yet, we can say that our lusts are okay and acceptable while serial killers and rapists and child molestors and terrorists and communists are evil and wicked. How do we even begin to justify ourselves while we condemn everyone else?”

    The difference is that people can approve of fetishes and sex with different paranormal creatures or what have you because they are consentual, not forceful acts of violence. Big, big difference.

    “Wrong is still wrong. It’s not about the amount”

    Disagree 100%. A child stealing a cookie is not equally as condemnable as a mother murdering her child. Both are wrong. One is understandable and forgiveable, the other is pure evil.

    Anyway, I can see that you were having trouble getting what you meant out, especially by the end. Maybe you should try a different approach because I hope you’re not really saying that we shouldn’t condemn rapists because we read sexy books.

    And I don’t know why you consider erotica to be “wrong” anyway, sex is natural, fantasies between consenting adults are normal and there’s nothing wrong with any of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. xaothao

    June 26, 2014 at 4:52 am

    A child stealing a cookie isn’t the same as a mother murdering her child. You’re right about that. Perhaps I just overlook the whole “children are stupid creatures” theory that so many believe children are harmless. By no means am I saying that every child is a potential psychopath (actually, everyone is a potential psychopath, so I make no sense here), but there will always be people who want to define details and tediously go reword the same things over and over again to prove their point. It’s people arguing pedophilia to me in regards to a child at 6 months and a child at 15 or 16. Would I punish a pedophile who molests an infant the same way that I’d punish a 19 year old and their 16 year old counterpart? No. There’s a big difference between the two, I do agree on that. But the matter isn’t the degree of difference. It’s that if children are anyone under 18 (I don’t agree with teenagers being children, but that’s my opinion), then what’s wrong has been done regardless. And no one has to agree with me here. Would I punish a kid stealing a cookie the same way that an adult murdering a child should deserve? Absolutely not. But that’s our justice and our perceptions. It’s our morals and ethics that allow us to distinguish and put levels and degrees on such things. I will make no sense. I hardly make sense to myself half of the time.

    Erotica isn’t wrong. The point was that since we all lust, people who feel bad or guilty about getting off on something like…beastiality, shouldn’t feel like there’s something wrong with them. We can say there’s something wrong with them and yes, we actually do that a lot, but we actually write a lot of beast porn. So what does that say? It simply means that people who think they’re weird for believing in something or who feel like there has to be something wrong with them because maybe they’re getting too fond of wolves in heat…if we’re all doing it and getting off on it, how does that make them bad and wrong for being able to say it out loud? What’s the difference between us all getting off on beast porn in our heads while they’re actually committing the act that we can only dream about? None of this is making sense anyway. All I know is that we’re all just judging each other too much and dehumanizing people by what they’ve done.

    We fail to forget that even the greatest of sinners in human, just like us, with families and people who love them and emotions and feelings and responsibilities. I’m not inside the minds of others. I cannot say why they have chosen to do what they’ve done. But when we dehumanize them and see them as monsters, we forget that we’re looking at a picture of ourselves…for we are like them and inside of each of us is the capacity to do great harm. It doesn’t make someone not-human because they’ve done something monstrous. Ordinary people can do monstrous things. They are only ordinary people who have chosen to do a terrible thing. The point was that as a species, we’re the most destructive to ourselves and to each other. I wish we’d all learn how to be more peaceful or in the very least, stop screwing one another over to get to the top…which is a very long way to fall.

    We’re not perfect. None of us are. So let’s stop pretending to be better than one another.


  3. Joanne

    June 27, 2014 at 3:35 am

    Thanks for the response Xao, that actually makes a lot more sense now. I know my cookie/murder example was pretty extreme but it just threw me that you said wrong is wrong in such plain terms.

    So what you’re trying to say is that there aren’t seperate ‘people’ and ‘monsters’. Everyone has the potential to be evil, but the difference is whether you act on it or not. This reminds me of an interview with a pedophile I listened to once. You might be interested:

    Basically, he’s attracted to children but has never touched or hurt one. He has gone to many psychiatrists trying to get help but noone wants anything to do with him. There’s not much research done on things like this so people who have these desires can’t get any help.

    Having dark fantasies is one thing if you don’t act on them, causing harm to somebody is what makes a person evil.

    Liked by 1 person


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