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The Worlds We Create

11 Aug

There’s a story that goes somewhere along the lines of one being left alone after family is burned in a house fire…these are the tales of people I’ve met throughout the years who have said such things, the tales of those who would later come to be known as vampires.

“And when I woke, everything was different. Everything was new.”

Is it a passing myth that to be a vampire, one must lose all their mortal families in a house fire?

The first tale was told over a decade ago by a woman who claimed to be a real vampire and not the kind that are found today strolling into goth clubs and feeding off of blood for fun. No. She claimed to be a very old vampire who have lived for centuries and has been sheltered from the modern world and all it’s technological advances…that is, if you didn’t count using the internet which was the medium in which we spoke. And of course, computers because that’s pretty modern too. Her story was one liken from The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood in which a society of wealth ruled all lower classes and subjected them to labor and servitude. She lived in a castle by the cliffs of the sea, in which vampires flew by night and her Lord and Master still uses gold coins at an exceedingly too-good-to-be-true rate of thousands of dollars for one coin. I was hooked at the time on her story and the reality that even if nothing she said was true, she believed it and had created a world of magnificence and wonder for herself that was more real than the reality in which she lived. It was her father and twin brother who had died in a mysterious house fire, and later, her Lord and Master found her and took her in, raising her as his own bride-to-be if he had not yet already had a wife and many mistresses from multiple marriages before her existence.

The second time I heard it was from a man claiming to be a vampire. His father and sister died in a house fire and he was left alone to fend for himself. How he eventually became a vampire, that part never remained with my memory, but he claimed to be a real vampire, those of old and of legends.

The third time I heard it was recently. A girl’s parents died in a house fire and left her and her twin brother alone. She didn’t claim to be a real vampire, but she played one on Second Life where I too, played a vampire with Bloodlines.

What kind of lives do we have? First lives–the ones where we are born into; second life–the ones we live inside the online SL game; past lives–the ones where we remember or are recalled during hypnosis; real lives–the ones that we have to live now at this moment in physical reality; dream lives–the ones we live inside our dreams; metaphysical lives–the ones we live in our heads, in the astral, in our imaginations, etc, etc. And that’s a noninclusive list too.

I left Facebook because of some things that were occurring at the time which wasn’t best for me and made me unhappy. So I found Second Life, which was very much like one of my favorite games, The Sims, to bring myself out of depression and excess emotions. What I found on SL was a pretty cool world that made me happy and I had fun…until I realized that people will be people, no matter where they are.

Jane was a girl I took in as a minion in SL. We roleplayed vampires for Bloodlines. I loved her a lot and treated her as a daughter. Little did I know that everything I’ve been told by her was a lie…from her age (she claimed to be 23) to her life (parents died in a house fire; no relatives; twin brother has a 7 year old daughter; brother and sister alternated months working to have a baby sitter for the daughter/niece; was dumped by her boyfriend after finding out she was pregnant with twins in real life; got back together with the boyfriend; boyfriend was leaving to Japan; had blurred relationship with an SL player who fell in love with her; dumped the boyfriend for another SL player–a different one; had bad news that one of the twin babies weren’t going to survive; brother committed suicide due to the baby’s mother leaving him (but they weren’t even together nor did they live together); was being harassed and attacked on SL from ex-boyfriend who played on SL; niece is suddenly in Japan; niece is suddenly 5 years old and the 7 year old is someone else; lives in Florida instead of the midwest; brother and sister made fake accounts because they’re paranoid; has no social accounts at all except for hotmail and skype; brother and sister were given Japanese names like Rin and Rina by American parents who were named Lorena and James)…and the list went on.

*face palms*

That’s one dramatic complicated life to keep up with. Nothing she said was true and the only answer she had for any questions asked about her true self was, “why would I lie to you? I trust you.”

*shakes head*

From where do people create such lies and do they actually believe in them?

I have to admit that I’m a lot sassier these days. Most of it stems from learning how to stand up for myself. I still fall for the trap of being manipulated by others for a certain amount of time, but I am catching on quicker and quicker to the game.

Being forced to love someone through manipulation doesn’t mean that there isn’t love there, even when there wasn’t that type of love present in the beginning. And just like that, the worlds that we create for ourselves, we begin to believe in, even if we didn’t believe it in the beginning when we created it.

I learned invaluable lessons from Facebook and Second Life. Even the most innocent seeming of people can be the most wicked and hurtful. Sad sob stories are a way of controlling people through their sympathy and relation to pain, sadness, and bad things that occur in life. Suicide threats are a way of manipulating others. It might sound harsh, but people who want to kill themselves would’ve already done so. People who cry wolf, just want the attention, as sad as that may be. Any threat is a way of manipulation, no matter how subtle or blunt the threat is.

If standing up for myself makes me a bitch, then I’d gladly take that label any day than to succumb to the will and trickery of others. I am a lot harsher these days and a lot less tolerant of abuse in that way. I cry a lot less these days than I have in the past. And I remember less and less of those that needed to be left behind for my happiness and well being. Loving someone is a great thing, but when loving someone is causing you pain, you’ve got to let them go.

Many months ago, I downloaded a bunch of pictures of an ex-best friend, her mother, and their pets to print out on nice photo paper and send to her since she was incarcerated. I knew no one else would do it and she had no other family outside of prison walls. Even though we no longer spoke, I was going to do the nice and right thing. But I realized that that nice and right thing was for her, not for me. What did I get out of someone who hurt me badly, who I trusted and loved like one of my own sisters, and who I cared for and spared nothing that I wouldn’t give or do for her? Nothing. And so, for my sake, it was best if I started to do what was nice and right for myself, which meant that I was going to have to let go of her. It’s sad that she’s not getting out until 2021, that her entire family is incarcerated, and that she’s actually a decent person and a decent friend to everyone else…but none of that matters now. I won’t go back. And for what? To repeat the same pattern all over again? No thank you.

Some things, I’m not ready to face head on yet. An ex-friend had blocked me on Facebook since June 10th. We actually weren’t friends since March or April. I haven’t been on Facebook since I started playing SL almost a month ago. I came back and saw that I was unblocked. And because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the false emotions of a love I never wanted in the first place that was returning, I blocked the person. It didn’t matter that I was happy now or that I was in love with someone else now who loves me back and gives me the kind of love and relationship that I wanted and deserved. A manipulated love by a third party that I trusted and cared for and loved made everything all the worse. That third party, I didn’t block. I learned to stand up for myself against that third party and thus, have rid myself of the manipulations and lies. But until I can figure out what to do or until I can finally let go of the ex-friend and the emotions involved, that person will remained blocked.

People manipulate others for various reasons, some of them the most idiotic. The other night, a girl commented that she was going to kill herself. Her life didn’t even warrant anything worth dying over. She had a 3 year old son that she had been fighting the state to get back for the past 2 years because she said jealous friends of family called Child Protection Services because her house was “dirty”. Aside from other things that makes no sense like her son’s adoption to people who are now expecting a child of their own…she wanted to kill herself. Being sleep deprived and cranky, after much babble trying to calm her down, I said, “Since you’re going to kill yourself, let me tell you about Jesus”. She didn’t like that and threatened that she was calm and if I attacked her with Jesus, then she’d kill herself. My point was that she was going to do it anyway so why not tell her about Jesus and save her soul? I shrugged, commented that since she’s calm now, it was cool, but that if she did see God, she should tell Him that I tried and she didn’t want to hear it. Boy did she go off about not being calm if I brought up Jesus or God. So I simply said since she was calm and good, I was done trying to convince her not to kill herself and called it a night. I find it ironic that people who threaten self harm or death are still prideful and stubborn. This is a repeated pattern in my experience with others. When people want to die, I talk about Jesus. For some reason, they stop threatening death. And I’m the crazy one for talking about Jesus. *shakes head*

In SL, when I get unsolicited IM messages for sex or friendships and relationships, I usually kill any further IMs by simply asking if the person wants to be a vampire or a lycan. For some reason, people want sex, not to join a guild or a clan. It’s ironic and amusing to me that such a simple thing such as commitment will make someone run in the opposite direction.

Do people believe the lies they tell themselves?

I don’t really know, but I’m falling asleep now. I’m still working on dispelling the lies I’ve been misled to believe about myself and my life. I like things simple. I couldn’t keep up with all the lies if I told myself such things.

This ends on an unfinished, odd note. Screw it. I’m off to bed.

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Posted by on August 11, 2014 in Diary, Uncategorized

 

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