RSS

Monthly Archives: July 2015

Somewhere, a Caged Bird Flies Free

People are a curious thing to me. Each of them, unique. You can’t really compare people. Sure, you can take some similarities about them (physical descriptions, emotional experiences, spiritual beliefs, etc) and try and put them into categories to become mathematical statistics, but at the root of it all, each person, the whole of them, cannot be compared to another person.

I’m not much of a people person outside of immediate family members. I prefer being by myself. I prefer doing things on my own. I prefer not having the responsibility of having to account myself to another or to account another to myself. But I like to talk a lot. I guess that makes me friendly in a way, because it’s easy to talk to people. Just say hi and go from there.

This world, the people in it, I don’t understand any of it or them at all. I don’t understand their actions. I don’t understand their reasonings. I don’t understand what kind of people they are and if it’s even appropriate to call them people at all. It’s so confusing.

Everyone in this world wants love. They want happiness. They want family. They want belonging. They want freedom. They want life. They want kindness. They want help. They want pretty much the same thing as the person next to them. But who loves? And who gives happiness? And who contributes to family? Who helps others belong? Who stands up for freedom? Who protects life? Who is kind? Who helps another? None of them. And it confuses me so much because I don’t understand. Everyone, every person, wants all these things, but doesn’t help anyone else, and sometimes doesn’t even help themselves. How can the world magically shift and change and utopia be created with no one wanting to do the work or with no one putting forth the effort? It will never happen. None of it. None of these wants. None of these things. None of it will ever happen.

It’s such a simple thing in my mind, these are such simple things: to love, to give happiness, to contribute to family, to help others belong, to stand up for freedom, to protect life, to be kind, and to help others. Why is no one doing it?

Selfishness, ego, and pride, three terrible things that destroys everything good and worthwhile.

I was once asked what good things I did that helped someone else out. Did I go volunteer at the homeless shelters? Did I feed the hungry? Did I leave bags of groceries on door steps anonymously?

I’m not a people person, I said. If someone was to wait for me to suddenly be inhabited by the spirit of Mother Teresa (which will never happen as I’m against possession), then they will wait forever. It’s a strange thing, that people want an itemized list of good deeds to measure someone with. Does doing good things and having people know about them, winning awards for them, being featured on television, does all of that really make someone a good person? People should just be kinder. People do not need to win awards or have the praises of others to tell them they’re doing something good. But that’s the world today. They all just want to see. Show me what good things you’ve done. Show me.

I can’t. I can’t show awards and medals, certificates and video links, testimonies and work hours. I don’t have any of that. And I don’t want any of that. What good does any of that do me? You help someone. You tell other people about it. They praise you on what a kind, wonderful person you are. Why did you help someone? Was it to help them or was it to help yourself? The things that people do in secret will be shown outwardly in their lives. I’m not a people person, but I have plenty of friends, and my friends are happy with me and I’m ok with that.

If we didn’t live in a society of show and tell, our world would be a much better place, a kinder place with gentler people who didn’t require rigorous testing to be deemed worthy of anything at all. Every person is unique. Every person is worthy of all these things: love, happiness, family, belonging, freedom, life, kindness, and help.

People hurt. They experience such bad things. How does that not give them sympathy for others that are hurting too? How does pain harden hearts instead of softening them? I don’t understand it. We’ve all experienced disappointments. We’ve all experienced loss. We’ve all experienced abuse. We’ve all experienced bad. How do we all just draw up into our own little shells, trapped in our own little worlds, ignoring everything and everyone around us? Is our hurt that bad that we cannot comfort another from their hurt? Are we afraid of being hurt more? What is life if we stand still, trapped in a cage of our own making by the experiences we’ve gone through and all that we’ve suffered?

The past is gone. It may hurt. It may take time to heal. But it’s gone. It’s over with. And we move on, eventually. Somewhere, a caged bird flies free, whether that cage is of our own making or the entrapment of another, somewhere, a caged bird flies free, not looking back and not trying to be caged again.

Advertisements
 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 24, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Queen of Heaven

In my dreams, there’s always a “queen of heaven”. Please note that all my dreams are horrific recurring nightmares. This has been a constant long before I accepted Christ. That’s not the point. The point is, in my awful and painful recurring nightmares, there’s a very evil and wicked woman who claims to be the queen of heaven.

Now, there’s hardly any logical thought in dreams and during lucid dreaming, there’s a slim chance that I am able to rationalize all the impossible things happening around me and to me as not being real. Pain, however, drives away all thoughts. When you’re being tortured in gruesome ways, your mind tends to disassociate. Everything stops and gets blocked out. You float a bit out of your dream body, much like you would in real life if that happened to you, and you become a spectator on the grotesque event happening to you.

I’m not strong so I run, as much as I can, which always happens to be in painfully slow motion. I’ve gone to extreme lengths to get away, inasmuch as harming myself to wake up. It’s a lucid dream so the knowledge that I’m dreaming is there, although the fear is overwhelming to the point of panic. It’s like being a caged animal. Your senses are cranked on ultra sensitivity alert. Adrenaline pumps through your veins like steroids. You’re simply just frantic and mad, doing anything and everything to get out, to wake up, to leave.

This queen of heaven watches in amusement because she haunts me and tortures me and knows that I must sleep some time, some day. I avoid her as much as I can. I avoid even the thought of her. In my dreams, all the churches are corrupted. There’s a blue book, a bible, dedicated to the queen of heaven. Churches are filled with more demons and monsters than actual people, of which I’ve never seen a real Christian in my dreams, ever.

Because of the nature of my dreams, I used to roam occult sites looking for answers. I wasn’t a Christian. I avoided Christianity. God didn’t help the nightmares. Demons in my dreams found the name Jesus to be funny. And they’d torture me more for foolishly believing that anyone or anything could help me.

New age. Metaphysical. Pagan. Occult. Kabbalah. Catholic. It’s all the same thing wrapped up in a pretty bow.

I used to not sleep out of fear. I’d stay awake with as many creepy things haunting my waking moments as they do when I’m asleep. I’m afraid of the dark for a reason. I’m afraid to be alone for a reason. I was conditioned to fear.

I pushed it all aside. Disassociated it. Pretended that it doesn’t happen. Pretended that I am safe. If I continued pretending enough, then it fades. It trickles slowly into the background, like a camera which focuses on one thing and blurs everything else out until it’s no longer there. That was the solution to my waking life, in order to have any semblance of a normal life, I disassociated the trauma, the fear, and the supernatural elsewhere. I don’t even know where now. But what about my dreams? That’s something I haven’t been able to figure out or fix yet.

I’ve come to the realization that evil exists in this world in an overwhelming capacity. Wickedness works in high places and infiltrates even into our own houses. Yep. It’s right under our noses, staring us in the face.

One of the groups I’m in on Facebook deals with magic. Their goddess is the most terrifying creepy woman ever. “Draw this sigil. Invite her into your dreams. She’s scary at first, but she gives you power and she’ll help.”

What? She’s frightening, but she’s really a cuddly teddy bear?

I never tried it. I have too many creepy women running around in my dreams already, I didn’t need another one with the thoughts of others feeding into some entity that would invade my already unbearable dreams. Who does that? I already instinctively flee from some queen of heaven creature. I didn’t need a queen of the webs to trap me in her webs. How do you even trust something that wants to kill you? It’s insanity.

For fame? For power? For the ability to say that you know magic and nothing can harm you? I don’t understand how people would enslave themselves to entities and demons and such when I’m trying to break free. Nothing, no amount of wealth or power or control would ever make me want to be a part of that or of any other like that. I am human. I will die. And so will the most powerful and the wealthiest person alive on this earth. We are mortals and we will die. And I will at least not die a slave to a beast.

The world is corrupted and corruption is right in our faces, taunting our inability to see it and to understand it.

I find it interesting that people don’t believe in the Bible. They don’t believe in God or in Jesus. Yet, they surely do know all the symbols of the devil. Wake up. All these symbols, all these gestures, all these horns and goats’ heads are not pop culture. They are not what’s cool right now. There’s an agenda behind everything. These images, these references, all these things desensitize people to evil, to the devil, to what’s bad and what’s wrong. It prepares people to be accepting of a master who requires terrifying you, humiliating you, and stripping down every last bit of humanity in you in order to make you a vessel for his own people, for demons.

People of every other religion but Christianity, and many who claim to be Christians, are using demonic symbols and gestures. But why? Surely they don’t believe in the devil because he’s a made up part of a made up religion called Christianity, right?

It boggles my mind, the sheer volume of misinformation and deception people allow themselves to believe, the ignorance of generations too entitled to freedom to realize they’re all slaves.

To see the world for what it is, to see the truth for what it is, maybe it’s so evil and corrupted that people have to disassociate themselves from it like I have to do with my dreams.

God is not a woman. God is not transgender. There is no queen of heaven. People can argue immortal gender issues all they want, as if they should know because they’ve got the inside scoop from so called experts and scientists and whomever or they’re really an immortal or whatever, but that’s the truth and it isn’t going to change. People, in their ignorance, helps to accomplish the agendas of those seeking to control and eliminate you. The world is full of wickedness. Learn the truth and wake up. I need to wake up again and stay awake.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,