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Monthly Archives: December 2015

How the Mid-Season Finale of Supernatural Made Me Cry

For anyone who has kept up with the tv series, Supernatural, the story of Sam and Dean has spanned eleven seasons. We’ve seen the boys hunt monsters and save people. We’ve seen the hell the boys have been through from not being able to save the people they set out to help to losing the people they love. And all the while, there was this hope that there was an endgame, that everything will be ok.

There are spoilers, so if someone’s not caught up to date or anything, please don’t read forward. If you do continue reading, consider yourself duly warned.

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Sam had been having visions from God every time he prayed. There was even a burning bush, like in the Bible. The visions were telling him that he had to return to the cage with Lucifer. And once there, he would find the answer to getting rid of the Darkness. Sam and Dean screwed up even bigger than normal. They let the Darkness out and now, she’s collecting the souls of mankind and growing stronger with each intake. Sam holds on to the hope that God is still here, that God is still watching and more importantly, that God still cares.

During the mid-season finale, Sam teams up with the King of Hell, Crowley, and his witch mother, Rowena, in a desperate move to call up Lucifer from the cage. Lucifer would know how God locked up the Darkness to begin with. Things obviously went wrong and Lucifer traps Sam in the cage with him. Rowena’s wards on the cage had worn off or something so Lucifer took Sam and wants to test out Sam’s meat suit – to possess him and walk the earth.

Sam still held on to the hope that God had a plan, that God was leading Sam to Lucifer’s cage, and that he was ready to do anything to save billions of lives, even to go back and stay in that cage forever. With Sam in the cage and Rowena’s wards no longer effective, Lucifer taunts Sam with the truth.

Lucifer: “Hey, Sam Winchester, you miss me? I bet you did.” [ Inhales deeply, exhales slowly ] “I have to say, you’re — you’re extraordinarily calm given the circumstances.”

Sam: “It’s pretty much exactly how God told me it was gonna be. Guess I just have to go with it and play my hand.”

Lucifer: [ Clicks tongue ] “And that would make so much sense if it was God that was doing the talking. You see, Sam, when the Darkness descended, the impact on Hell was massive. The cage was damaged. Through the fissures, I was able to reach out. It wasn’t God inside your head, Sam. It was me. So you see, he’s not with you. He’s never been with you. It was always just Me.”

I don’t know to how many people those words hit home. It hit real life. It hit our lives. “It wasn’t God inside your head. It was me. So you see, he’s not with you. He’s never been with you. It was always just me.” For me, those words summed up my entire life, even to today, and even to right now. It was never God inside my head. He’s not with me. He’s never been.

When I was incarcerated, I had a friend named Rachel. They took her mother to the segregated housing unit, the SHU, and every day at lunch, she would go jump on the the window sill to knock on the glass and talk to her mom. The first time was insane because she had to scream and figure out which cell her mom was in. And I worried she’d get caught and get thrown in there as well. So every day I would pray that she never got caught. Talking to people in the SHU wasn’t allowed. You get thrown in the SHU far away from whoever it was that you wanted to speak with. It was a spectacle at lunch every day for two weeks before they shipped her mom off and she never once got caught. And one day, I told her about how much I prayed that she wasn’t caught so she didn’t have to spend time in there. I told her that my prayers were answered because she never got into trouble for disobeying the rules. However, at the end of that conversation, I said to her that, “If all my prayers were answered the way I wanted them to be answered, then it may not have been God who answered them.” And I didn’t understand why I said that. I was always just a strange one. But it makes sense now. If all your prayers are always answered, it isn’t always God who is answering your prayers. And that’s exactly what Lucifer revealed to Sam.

I’m sitting here, alone in the dark, dog sitting my sister’s three dogs while she’s away for the weekend. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m terrified of dead things. And I have a strange phobia of zombies. It seems silly that I have so many fears, but I just finished watching a really bad movie on what I thought was going to be an exorcism. It was more or less, a botched production full of incredible actors. So am I still not afraid?

Fear comes and goes. I’ve really been with the dark for so long that I’m not even sure what I would be afraid of anymore. They’re just normal, every day things to me now. Sure, I can scare myself, think about something creepy hiding in a dark corner somewhere, but for the most part, I’m a bit beyond being afraid. It’s almost this strange familiarity, like family, and how you could have a horrific and violent family, but that part is irrelevant because it’s family.

Where is God?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but only for myself. I don’t have playtime with the dark and dark things because I actually like that kind of stuff or because I enjoy those kinds of things. It’s so easy to be wicked, to be mean and terrible to others, to plot evil and abuse everyone. Is that what I want, what I am? No. Somewhere, there’s a child that takes a step into the dark, unable to reach the light because they’re not tall enough, but walking forward and deeper into darkness, they can’t see anything behind them. Are their parents still right there following them? Why can’t a grown up just reach up and turn on the light? Why is it so dark? What’s the point of tripping over things in the darkness, of getting lost and scared and being lonely? Walk long enough, and eventually, you realize there’s no one behind you. No one following you. God is supposed to be everywhere. And still, He’s nowhere to be found.

Do you see me if I cut myself a hundred times? Can you hear me if I scream your name in your holy temple until my voice is gone? Will you see me if I cover your alter in the blood of your faithful followers? What can I do to get your attention? What can I do to have you take notice and answer me?

What are these feelings? All this destruction. Is it hatred? Is it malice? Is it anger? Is it jealousy? Is it vengeance? No. It’s pain. Pure and simple, it’s pain. People in pain. People wanting and hoping for something greater than themselves, and then coming to find out like Sam that there was never any hope. It didn’t exist. Sure, God exists, but He was never with us. He’s not with us. And that’s the saddest thing of all, to hope and see that that hope was nothing. That there was nothing.

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Life Lessons From High School

There was this tiny goth girl named Stephanie that I used to know in high school. She hated me. She thought I dated her ex-boyfriend, Tim, because we were always together. Tim and I were good friends. We were smart enough to pass our classes without actually paying attention, so we did whatever we wanted.

Stephanie and I actually became good friends later. I admit that I hated certain things because she liked them, like SpongeBob and this tall, super pale, probably only 100 pound emo goth vampire wannabe named Jay. -.-

Before Stephanie and I became good friends, I met a girl named Keera at Jay’s house. We were both tricked into going there. Keera thought she was going to the movies and my friend Will was supposed to be taking me home after school. Instead, he took me and Stephanie there.

Keera didn’t like Stephanie. The only thing Keera and I had in common was that we both didn’t like the same girl. As to why I didn’t like Stephanie, I don’t really know. I didn’t like a lot of people back then, even less now, but Keera and I bonded over our mutual annoyance at being tricked and at our mutual dislike of a girl whom everyone liked and we didn’t understand why.

Keera always talked bad about Stephanie. I usually just went along and listened, not stopping her from ranting. I was older than everyone. Stephanie was sixteen or seventeen and Keera was a year younger than her. On and on, we’d talk bad about a girl we didn’t even know, a girl we disliked for absolutely no damn reason at all.

Stephanie had a bad home life. She got a job at Dunkin’ Donuts and worked hard. She eventually got a car and moved out of her parents’ house.

I remember how Keera used to make fun of Stephanie and her job. It was odd to me because Keera never had a job, didn’t want to work, smoked weed and drank and smoke cigarettes, and had no foreseeable future, but Stephanie had a future and she was working hard toward that future. It was silly for someone who did nothing nothing to improve their life to make fun of someone who was trying very hard to improve their life.

Stephanie and I became close friends after I finally dispelled her relationship thoughts of me and Tim. She trusted me with her secrets. We swore to be sisters. And when I couldn’t hold my end to always protect her, I gave her protection over to Ganesh, the elephant god she adored.

Unhappy people sucks your life and makes you unhappy too. I should’ve seen the warning signs. Unhappy people make fun of people they don’t know. They find any excuse to make someone else look bad so they can feel better about their selves. Keera was very unhappy. And around her, I was unhappy too. I was unhappy for a long time, a time lasting longer than the actual years I knew Keera.

I lost touch with Stephanie after a while, but I was friends with Keera for a long time. If I could change it, I’d rather be friends with Stephanie and lose touch with Keera.

When making friends, choose people who are going somewhere, who have goals, who want to do something with their lives. Don’t choose people who want you to sit with them because they don’t want to get up and move.

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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