I’m utterly fascinated by human beings because I can’t understand them. What makes them tick? Why do they act the way they do? It’s the little things that I find myself contemplating over for days on end. How is that possible? Are you kidding me? No, seriously? Why that instead of this? The questions are endless.
For a while now, I’ve been thinking about a certain person I used to be friends with some three odd years ago, but I don’t talk to her anymore and I have no real desire to talk to her again. It’s one of those things where I thought I was right and she didn’t really care and so we stopped being friends and I’m holding on to the principle of not being weak and not giving in and not going back to her and saying hi. While there’s actually no real desire to reconnect, I’ve just been thinking about how good of friends we used to be. We were such good friends, or so I thought we were good friends. However, I’m a horribly bad friend who is extremely jealous and emotional which normally drives people crazy because I am crazy. Yet, from time to time, I think about doing something nice for her because people should always have something nice be done for them. And my reasoning goes like this: that whatever good we do in this world, it doesn’t have to come back to us from that specific person, that perhaps in times when we’re in need, there will be some good done for us as well. So with that reasoning, I’m finally going to swallow all this pride I had about this girl and do something nice for her, even though I won’t even say hi. And that’s it. Just a nice thing for someone I used to know.
Speaking of which, there’s someone else who could benefit from something nice, so I’ll do something nice for her as well. There isn’t enough good done without strings attached. Both girls have no way of contacting me, so even if they wanted to say thanks, I’m taking that option away from them. I’m a horrible person like that. Three years go by and I do something nice in which they can’t even write me a letter to say thanks. I wonder if that’s kindness or just me being pushy and throwing glitter on people and letting them sparkle with my glitter. I guess I’m not so nice if I look at it that way. But I really don’t have time to talk to them, let alone write back and say, you’re welcome, and I’m even less inclined to be friends again. I’m really not the socially nice person who wants a ton of friends. But the bottom line is, a good thing is done, twice, and that’s what counts. Or at least that’s what I hope counts.
I have always been a strange one which doesn’t make much sense. Take the weather for example. It’s springtime, or getting close to there. Flowers are blooming. People are laughing and birds are singing. Babies are being born. Me? I’m kinda just here staring at all the bright and adorable commotion without a clue as to how I should be behaving. Does spring make people more cheery? Is it the decor of endless flowers blossoming or perhaps the image of cute bunnies hopping all over the place that makes people walk around with hearts over their heads? I don’t know what it is about spring that people think is so perfect and amazing. It’s wet. It’s damp. There’s plenty of worms everywhere. There’s a ton of insects. It’s not exactly the best season we have, in my opinion.
Or take love and attraction for another example. I don’t look at people and think, “he’s hot. I want to sleep with him.” And it doesn’t even have to be a real person. It could be the scantily clad male models of some romance novel that a friend of mine posts with the caption, “yummy”. I don’t look at that image and think, “yeah, I’d like a guy like that in my bed”. Quite frankly, I don’t understand the pictures although I can presume they’re like the female versions where males pass hot chicks around to all their friends saying, “who wouldn’t want a piece of that?” Um, not me. I don’t want a piece of some half naked muscled guy or some half naked sexy girl. But most of my friends are into that sort of thing which makes me wonder, what is wrong with me? Shouldn’t I go gaga over some man candy all the girls are passing around? Shouldn’t I find that person attractive? Unfortunately, I find a honey badger attacking lions more interesting or a Microsoft Hololens commercial more entertaining than I would some pretty much naked person smiling at me. Now that is creepy. Some pretty much naked person smiling. It’s definitely creepy and makes me want to grab a knife to defend myself.
Why are my thoughts so abnormal?
I’ve never cared for normal things like drinking, smoking, drugs, or sex. I’ve been almost drunk once. It was in New York. I was quite certain my goal was alcohol poisoning because I had this absurd idea that I had an unnaturally high tolerance to drugs and alcohol. I downed two bottles of vodka, went to the bar with friends and had 4 shots, a drink, drank pretty much everyone’s drinks at the table while they were off dancing and playing pool (there was a good eight or ten people there), and had more drinks before two guy friends escorted me back to the hostel where we all were staying. Tipsy was the word. I managed to walk straight with some effort, climbed 6 flights of stairs with no problem, and went to sleep off the alcohol. I don’t think I was drunk. Or I pretended not to be drunk. My pretending was pretty good as I did well walking and climbing stairs without help. Did I really have a high tolerance to alcohol? I don’t know. I did realize it was a foolish idea and a foolish experiment to try and drink until I passed out. What would that have achieved? I was lucky to not end up in the hospital as I’ve never had alcohol before that. I still don’t drink now.
But why do I have these irrational thoughts? It doesn’t make sense, does it? Most people don’t think, “oh, I’m highly tolerant of alcohol” when they’ve never had a sip of alcohol in their life. They also don’t try to prove their theories with irresponsible madness which could’ve gotten them killed. But I do that. And in a way, it kind of feels like walking around in a body for the first time, trying to test out the limits of what can and can’t be done and how much a human body can take. But I’m human, so shouldn’t I feel and think more like the person instead of feeling and thinking like I’m only inside a person?
I once came across this bony bump on my elbow and intrigued, I went around feeling everyone’s elbows in my family, much to their hand motions of desperately trying to shoo me away. It was just a weird and fascinating find, like I never knew it existed and so, I had to know if everyone else had it too. Of course, it was probably just me never paying much attention to all the bones in my body, but for a long day, people looked at me like I was psychotic while I grinned like the Cheshire cat having come across a new toy to play with in Wonderland. And it’s things like this, moments like this, that makes me feel more foreign and disconnected to humanity and humans than I am at being a part of them, at being one of them.
Well, I am only human, albeit, a really odd and awkward one.