Author Archives: xaothao
Walk up to anyone and say, “I think the earth is flat and I want to discuss it with you.” The reaction you’d get is more than unwelcoming, even so much so that it’s filled with condescending belittlement and unfounded rage. Why do people get so upset at someone genuinely questioning their learned knowledge? The indoctrination of people as children are so deep, that when people start to wake up, there are always other people who will try and stop them, using the faulty logic and reasoning they’ve learned and are still asleep to, to try and bring waking up people back into a sleeping state.
I was bored and surfing YouTube the other day and I somehow came across flat earth stuff. I watched some live video where it’s broadcasting flat earth stuff continuously and it made a lot of sense. Maybe the earth is flat? I thought to myself. I didn’t have answers to the questions they asked in the video. But one really weird video made me think a little bit deeper. There’s this theory that the earth is flat and that there’s a race of shape shifters among us called reptilians. I kind of know what they are. I’ve seen them referenced in videos about celebrities who sold their souls to the devil for fame and fortune and illuminati references and stuff. I’ve never taken them in the way that the video theorized. What if there is a group of reptilian creatures that has existed with us in our world since the beginning of mankind who can interbreed with humans and who has controlled us since? Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden weren’t alone. Aside from the animals, there was one creature who had the ability to speak and it spoke to them. This creature was intelligent and it was called a serpent, a reptilian.
My mind was blown! I was like, “whoa!” I just thought the reptilian were just aliens, like grays and other aliens which I’m not sure even exists anymore. If an alien invasion ever came, I can see it, I can experience it, but I will know they’re not aliens. There’s no space. We live on a flat earth. Whatever is coming has been planned by things inside this world and is not from out of this world.
The New World Order is here. It’s already implemented. We’re already under their control. The Illuminati. The Freemasons. The Jesuits. The Vatican. Royal families. Secret societies. They’re all working together to control us. They’re all keeping us prisoners.
What are they afraid of? They’re afraid of the truth and how the truth will liberate us free from their power.
A flat earth proves intelligent design, it proves we’re the center of the universe, and it proves a Creator who says we are each unique and wonderfully made with a purpose. It makes sense that all our lives, we walk around asking the same question in our minds and in our hearts. That question is: What’s my purpose?
The world wants us to believe that we are worthless, that we have no importance, and that the universe is so big and so grand that we’re just tiny specks of immaterial dust that is expendable with no consequence and/or affect. It’s also the reason why the government and sheeple make claim to such large numbers which diminishes our size, our importance, and our place in the universe. The estimated age of the universe is 13.7 billion years since theoretical Big Bang. There’s a rough estimate of 10 trillion galaxies in the universe given by Kornreich. The Milky Way, which is only one galaxy, is estimated to have 100 billion stars. Multiply the number of stars in one galaxy by 10 trillion galaxies and you’d have a number so huge, I don’t even know what it is, but it sure does make the earth and its inhabitants seem like nothing. And all these numbers: the earth is theorized to be 4.543 billion years, the distance of the sun from earth is theorized to be 92.96 million miles, the theorized time span between the age of dinosaurs and now is 65 million years, the age of man is theorized to be 200,000 thousand years ago with our theorized ancestors to be 6 million years ago, and so on and so forth.
Why is it important that we know we’re important? It’s important for us to know the truth because without knowing that we were created by a Creator for a purpose with intelligent design, we become just an accident scattered among the gazillion plus amount of stars with no direction and no purpose which makes us easy prey to take in and believe whatever we’re fed to be our god: money, materialism, hedonism, and everything selfish and self serving. Without your own purpose, you serve their purpose.
I need to reread my Bible again. I’ve bought one and I’m starting that. Christianity, Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit, Scripture, the giants, the race of fallen angels permanently here on earth, and the flat earth, all of it is real. It’s true. Nowhere in existence has such a truth been battered throughout all of humanity with so much animosity, rage, hatred, disgust, belittlement, and lots and lots of mockery, humiliation, and persecution from inside and out. Why all the opposition? So what if some people find comfort and peace in a supreme being who individually created each person with love? How does their personal beliefs, which are claimed to be false by the world, how does it affect the world? Their personal beliefs gives power to their God and no longer gives power to the world. That is why Christianity has been the one truth that has been sought out from all corners of the earth to eliminate it.
The Vatican, the largest misrepresentation of Christianity is not Christian. The Vatican is the whore of Babylon, chasing after and laying wherever her lovers lie. The saddest thing about the Vatican is the Catholics. There’s an estimated 1.285 billion Catholics who think they’re practicing Christianity. What they’re really practicing is a perverted form of Christianity, an abomination, and a corruption of the truth. Those are lost souls, unfortunately, which is what makes it sad.
A flat earth proves the existence of God. A flat, stationary, fixed earth with the sun and moon and stars revolving around us, putting us at the center of the universe, makes us important and loved by God. We are not an accident. We are not a mistake. “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” (Psalm 139:14)
We all need saving. I’ll pray that as many as able to wake, will wake up from the deception and the lies we’ve been indoctrinated in.
Learn the truth. Research it. Don’t go to the Flat Earth Society. The Flat Earth Society is to the flat earth truth as the Vatican is to Christians and the truth of the Bible. Both’s purpose is to discredit that which they claim to belong to. Be aware and beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.
I’m a woman who doesn’t agree with all the new trending hate groups that are popping up all over America in recent years. The Women’s March is one such hate group who has garnered millions of fans made up of men and women and all sorts of people with identity and gender crisis issues in between. The hate group Women’s March however, has a special place in my shriveled blackened heart of hearts because it’s a group which tries to claim to stand for all women. Well, they’re definitely not fucking standing up for this woman because I can stand up for myself without their hate and their bullshit.
What the hate group Women’s March really is is a disgrace to all women everywhere. From Madonna wanting to blow up the White House to Ashley Judd’s poem of being a nasty woman but not as nasty as President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka being a sex symbol to her father, to all the trash left behind by millions of people who littered in the streets and didn’t care, to the blatant message of treason of “standing up and fighting against” the President of the United States of America, to the supposed issues that women face today in America which is nothing compared to what women face in other countries around the world.
The hate group Women’s March creates a division in genders, promoting the discrimination of all males in favor of females by constantly creating the illusion that all females are victims. Does that plan sound familiar to anyone? The hate group, Black Lives Matter, did the same thing by creating a division between skin color and promoting the discrimination of all whites and people of lighter skin color in favor of all blacks and people of a darker skin color by constantly creating the illusion that all blacks and people of a darker skin color are victims.
I will always call hate groups for what they really are, hate groups. Here are some ways to recognize them.
Hate groups pretend to promote peace and love, but their messages are of spreading fear and violence and destruction and harm to others. “We just want equality for all women in America,” the hate group Women’s March would say. “We’re fighting to protect our rights and our children’s rights to having control over our bodies. Our vaginas are ours and we decide what we can do with them.” The actual message that the hate group Women’s March really says is this, “All men are chauvinistic pigs who can’t control their penises so we have to assume all men are rapists. Trump is a man so let’s blow up the White House so we can get a vagina in there who is like us. Trump’s ten year old son is a man so let’s compare him to a school shooter because obviously, men are more violent than women and he’ll grow up to be a mass murderer anyway.” Hate groups like Women’s March are sick and perverted. Once they hook people in with their fake message of spreading peace, they begin their real work on creating fear and causing violence and destruction and harm to others. Any group that victimizes children like the hate group Women’s March is just sickening.
Hate groups hide behind the excuse that they are the victims while victimizing everyone else. “Men rape women all the time. It’s just not accounted for. All men are rapists,” the hate group Women’s March would say. While pretending to be victims of rape, women paint a solid picture that all men are rapists and women must therefore hate all men and protect their selves from all men. “Women don’t get equal pay as men because we’re women,” is one of the many tired excuses of feminists everywhere. If women worked as hard as men did doing the same jobs and putting in the same amount of effort, then women would get paid the same, but they don’t. The wage gap isn’t because a man gets paid more to have a penis. The wage gap is because women choose not to work as hard as men do doing the same job because they have family and friends and other things that they want to do instead of putting in the hours at work. A woman would more likely choose their family and their children and their friends over working more or doing more work. So all these supposed women’s issues that exist because men are oppressing women are a load of bullshit. Women, stop fucking drinking every Friday night with friends and you might actually get that pay raise you’ve been looking for when you work as hard as the other people doing that same job.
Hate groups demand special privileges. “We deserve to be able to choose what to do with the growing baby inside our bodies that we got from having unprotected sex because we already made the choice to have sex, but we don’t want to bear the responsibilities of becoming actual adults and taking care of that child and raising that child,” the hate group Women’s March would say in their defense of a woman’s right to an abortion. “It’s still our bodies and no man is going to tell us we can’t kill the living child inside because it’s our bodies and our vaginas.” If retroactive abortion existed, the world would be a better place without such selfish and lame ass excuses of people who desires to kill a life without the consequences of being punished for murder. The truth is that while the hate group Women’s March pretends to be the sad victim of being born a second rate citizen due to their vagina in a world of penises, their only goal is to oppress and force special privileges to be made because of their fucking vagina. If women stopped having sex, period, they wouldn’t get pregnant. But no, all men are rapists and all pregnancies are caused by rapists so as a woman, they’re totally fucking innocent of being the sluts they are and opening their vaginas to penises. Women, stop fucking people and you wouldn’t have to worry about an abortion. A woman using her vagina as an excuse to demand reparations for false perceptions of social injustice because they still ultimately choose their circumstances doesn’t make their fucking vagina a valid excuse to murder a life because a baby is inconvenient to that fucking vagina who fucked around and got pregnant. Women are fucking drama queens. “I have a vagina. I’m special. I need special rules that puts me above everyone else because I’m better than everyone else.” This fucking type of behavior of a woman who flaunts their vagina as the be all, end all is disgusting and is absolutely disrespectful to all women everywhere. Your fucking vagina is not that fucking special. Get your heads out of your asses or should I say, get your heads out of your vaginas.
Hate groups always use famous names to validate their false causes and make their issues and concerns seem real and true. Madonna, the queen of pop who shamelessly said to the crowd at Madison Square Garden and to everyone watching that she’d give them a blow job if they voted for Hillary Clinton, also said that she has thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House because Trump is now president. While many people try to claim that she wasn’t serious saying either of those things, someone like Madonna who has followers and fans in the millions, is able to convince people that it’s okay to do such things. Her solicitation of oral sex for Hillary votes during the Presidential campaign and her treasonous call to blowing up the White House is by no means a joke or something to be taken lightly of.
Ashley Judd, a once upon a time decent actress, exclaimed she was a nasty woman to the cheers of hundreds of thousands of people at the hate group Women’s March. She continued to read a poem exclaiming how nasty of a woman she was, but that she’s not as nasty as President Trump who is a man. And while hundreds of thousands of stupid people are cheering on such disgusting behavior, they fail to realize that the disgusting behavior is the truth of this entire hate group, that there is no love and peace, that there is only hatred and ugliness.
Hate groups always need to point the finger to divert attention from what they’re really doing and they’ll be as bold to blame someone else for what they are doing. Actress America Ferrera said at the hate group Women’s March, “It’s been a heart-rending time to be both a woman and an immigrant in this country. Our dignity, our character, our rights have all been under attack and a platform of hate and division assumed power yesterday. But the president is not America. His cabinet is not America. Congress is not America. We are America. And we are here to stay.” It’s a shame actresses don’t have to be very intelligent. The platform of hate and division she’s talking about is really the hate group Women’s March whose sole purpose is to divide the country into fucking vaginas and bad penises, except for the penises that claim to be fake vaginas in this life or another life or whenever they feel like cutting it off. What a hate group does is instead of focusing on valid issues and concerns, they turn around and start blaming. “President Trump has a penis. President Trump is bad. President Trump’s cabinet has men in there. And those men have penises. And penises are bad.” Fucking hell. Isn’t it tiring to try and blame your own choices on someone else? Most of the bullshit women’s issues stem from choices women made. Women choose to fucking have sex. Baby results. Women kills babies because it’s an inconvenient truth of them opening their fucking legs. Women choose to party and go to clubs and drinks with friends instead of working. Work productivity declines because of lack of sleep and hangovers and other issues from a choice women made. Women puts in less effort at work. Women gets paid less. Oh, it’s suddenly men’s fault women don’t do so well at work because they choose to prioritize other things above work. Fucking fluffy special snowflakes who never take responsibility for their selves and simply want to blame everyone else for shitty choices they made in life.
Scarlett Johansson said, “President Trump, I did not vote for you. That said, I respect that you are you our President-elect and I want to be able to support you. But first I ask that you support me, support my sister, support my mother, support my best friends and all of all girlfriends. Support the men and women here today that are anxiously awaiting to see how your next moves may drastically affect their lives. Support my daughter who may actually, as a result of the appointments you have made, grow up in a county that is moving backwards, not forward, and who may potentially not have the right to make choices for her body and her future that your daughter Ivanka has been privileged to have.” While I respect her for calling him President Trump, she’s not that bright either. How in the world is a woman potentially not able to make choices for her body and her future? As far as I’m aware, America has not become a one-child policy country like China where millions of baby girls are discarded or killed because of their gender. America is not a women genital mutilated area like Mali. America is not a country where little girls are sold into prostitution and sex trafficking like all the countries of southeast Asia (Laos, Thailand, Cambodia, Philippines, Vietnam). America is not a country where women are gang raped to pay for men’s crimes like Pakistan. America is not a country where women have unequal education rights like Afghanistan. So exactly what kind of “privileges” that American women may not all of a sudden have? Oh, fucking abortion because in a country where women are able to do everything a man can, where women have equal opportunities for education and pay and being able to wake up and be dressed as slutty as they want, women are fucking worried about not being able to kill babies so they don’t have to live with the consequences of their actions. Women in America are a fucking joke. I will cheer when President Trump defunds Planned Parenthood and its baby murdering factories.
Singer Alicia Keys also said the same idiotic thing, “We will not allow our bodies to be owned and controlled by men in government or men anywhere for that matter.” Every woman in America with their fucking stupid first world problems needs to educate their selves on how women in other countries live and be active to help support those women who are way worse off than any fucking woman in America would ever be. Women in the Middle East are beheaded for having sex before marriage. Guess how many American women would’ve been dead if women had no rights as the hate group Women’s March is claiming? I would say every fucking vagina marching would be dead. But America isn’t the Middle East. Aren’t you vaginas lucky you live here and not there? Aren’t you happy that the only complaint you have is not being able to murder babies you got yourself pregnant with? Women in America with their first world problems are indeed a fucking joke.
All in all, I’m pretty sure the hate group Women’s March won’t be the last hate group that springs up to try and divide and conquer this nation and it’s people. Unfortunately, the people of America isn’t all that smart, at least not the millions that are following such hate groups around like loyal dogs. But, there’s still hope. People can learn to start to recognize hate groups for what they really are and people can stop accommodating and condoning and especially tolerating such hate groups and their agendas. It’s time to stand up for yourself and not allow some fucking hate group like Women’s March to stand up for you because you’re a woman. I’m a woman and I say fuck no to the hate group Women’s March.
I was talking to British and German friends yesterday who asked me about a fellow American we used to be friends with. They haven’t seen him in a while after they told him to stop with the ranting on the presidential elections, his disagreement at Trump’s win for Presidency, his complaints about how unfairly him and his rainbow friends were being treated in the country, and his general dissatisfaction with his own life through blaming others for his circumstance and state. I haven’t talked to him since I was a Christian and he’d constantly bait me with religious memes and specifically tag me to ask for my opinion on controversial religious things which he could then point out in his favor of why God gives the holy approval for him to deliberately continue sinning against God. He was not good for my stress level and I’ve let him go as a friend long ago.
“I really think the bloke would do you lot some good,” said a British friend referring to President Trump. And I agreed. He would also do good for the international community.
Britain has always been the strongest ally of the United States. Unfortunately for the Brits, that connection means that if there’s some war hungry asshole as President who goes to war, the Brits would have to go to war too in support of the United States of America. And that kind of behavior from a President can lead to strained relationships especially when other countries have no problems with the countries we’re trying to make up lies about to invade or countries whose governments we’re rebelling against and trying to overthrow.
I reminded my friend of this. Trump would be better for international relations as he’s looking to connect to the international community in peace and friendship instead of a fucking egotistical dictator of the world, which we’ve been as a country to the entire world many times in the past. The entire Middle East is a breeding zone for islamic terrorists because we’re assholes and we’ve destroyed their countries, we created the islamic terrorists we’re now fighting against, and we’ve dismantled any sense of peace that region has with our constant bullshit meddling. Trump has a lot to clean up from previous presidents, but I believe he will clean up this mess we created and it starts with getting the fuck out of other countries and their businesses and how their governments are running. We have no business meddling in the affairs of others.
So even people in other countries thinks Trump is a good change for America. But yet, we have all this division in America. There’s more hate groups popping up now than ever before under the disguise of “love and peace” while they preach destruction and death and treason. What in the hell is wrong with America?
What’s wrong with us is that we are a generation of fucking idiots. And since stupid catches on like fire, the disgusting cesspool of filth also sucks in older generations who were taught better and who should know how to behave better. America and Americans have become a disgrace.
We are a nation of fools committed to our foolishness whose false sense of intelligence is so fucking roundabout that we somehow believe 8+5=10.
We are a nation of special snowflakes who cry and bitch and moan and then throw temper tantrums like five year olds because we don’t get our way in everything.
We are a nation of people like the guy my friends and I talked about, someone who lives in America, has a roof over their head, has a job, can afford all the brightly colored wigs he wears and the expensive makeup to cake his face in layers to look like a girl, who has clean water and working bathrooms, who uses the internet and makes phone calls, who eats well even and has help from friends and family if needed, someone who can be mean as fuck and disrespect other people and their beliefs, who baits people on purpose to arguments, who bullies others when they don’t agree with him, and yet still moans about how his life is such a fucking tragedy because of everyone else always discriminating against him when he’s not in fucking girl costume and other people don’t even know he dresses in drag because he hides it like a shameful skeleton in his closet.
We are a nation of fucking assholes who blatantly fucks people over and then cries like a pathetic kicked puppy when someone “hurts our feelings”.
I fucking hate people, more so now than before, not because of their skin color or what the fuck is in between their legs, but because they are fucking stupid and they behave in fucking stupid ways. People in America can’t get their heads out of their asses long enough to realize they’re not the fluffy special snowflakes they believe they are. There is no way I will ever condone this fucking mass hysteria trending snowflake syndrome bullshit. There is also no way I will ever fucking respect any of these people whose sole intentions are to hurt others through violence, through coercion, through any means necessary so they can pat themselves on the back for a job well done at becoming the scum of humanity under the disguise of peace and love. Fuck them and fuck their lies.
When my friend says that she hates to see me lose my connection to Jesus…
I’ve never been very good at lying with important things.
I wish I still had the stupid optimism that God cared and that somewhere, somehow, he was working it all out for me for my good like the Bible says. I can paraphrase scripture quite well, but to feel God’s presence, I haven’t felt it in a long while now and I wonder if I’ve ever felt it in the first place. Maybe I was just delusional in my love for God, except now, I don’t think it matters anymore.
I used to miss Him so much. I used to love Him so much also. God was everything for me for a while. I couldn’t wait to finish this life just so I could be in His presence. I thought God would save me. I thought that in all the religions in all the world, if everyone was so against God, then there must really be a God and they’re all afraid of Him. He must be the only real thing. And I believed. I didn’t believe Jesus to begin with, but if Jesus was God and I believed in God, then I believed in Jesus as well too as Jesus was and is God. And so I stuck with it. I found something that filled the empty hole in my heart, that plugged up the yearning I had for something more, for a life with meaning and purpose.
I had always been involved with the supernatural and with magic, no matter how much I avoided it or tried to ignore it. It was a recurring theme in my life from childhood and even now. Now, I hardly do anything magical. I simply have bad dreams, give no more thoughts to them, and keep moving. God didn’t take away my bad dreams, even after I got baptized. Things in my dreams would taunt me and hurt me because I was so in love with God and Jesus. It would be worse. It didn’t get better. And demons didn’t flee at the name of Jesus. It made me wonder if I even had the right Jesus and not some guy named Jesus (Hey-Seuss). The only change that came from me giving my life to God was that I didn’t feel the emptiness in my heart anymore. I feel it now. I just ignore it. That emptiness, that hopelessness, yeah, it’s all there again.
I lost my faith in God after realizing one day that God didn’t love me. He didn’t want heathens and people who converted. We weren’t his first choice. We were never his choice. We were only a substitute for the Jews that He loved, the Jews that He tried to provoke to jealousy through giving us some of His great love. We were just an afterthought. And if the Jews weren’t such stuck up and self centered jerks, if they loved God like how He loved them, then none of us, no one would’ve been saved. We are at best, second in God’s great love, and at worst, we are just a tool to be used and manipulated by God to create what He wanted. I had no answers. God gave me no answers. And thus, I spiraled downward, wanting to know why I wasn’t as loved as I thought I was, or worse, why I wasn’t even loved at all.
Rachel, the girl with the tattoos who came with her mother and her mother got sent away, the one I called my best friend at one time and the one who calls herself Zim…I thought God wanted me to be nice to them and take care of them. And because I’m a horrible person, I told them that. I told them that I was only good to them because God wanted me to be. And I believed that. I couldn’t stand either mom or daughter, yet, I grew to love Zim because she reminded me so much of my idiotic wayward goth and rebellious little sister that I left behind. The were about the same age. I loved Zim like my sister. Sure, I was possessive, but there has never once been an instance in my entire life where I wanted to be gay. Never ever. And her mom got put in the shu and she would go out every day and yell for her mom. And every day, I would pray to God that she didn’t get caught so she didn’t end up in the shu either. And no matter how long Zim stayed at the window of the shu, talking to her mom, she never got caught. I was happy my prayers worked. And then one day, I said something to Zim that I didn’t even realize the truth of. I told her that if every prayer I prayed was answered by God, then it probably wasn’t God who answered my prayers. It was probably something else. And that’s the truth of it. I don’t think God was anywhere at all. It was something else pretending to be God for me. Something else wanting me to be foolishly and blindly follow in the name of god’s will when it was never God to begin with.
And isn’t that the story of men? We follow the will of God and commit atrocities. Through blind faith and vigilance, we killed and slaughtered and pillaged and burned and crucified and hurt. Perhaps it was never God that spoke to any of us at all, for I am reminded of one truth from the Bible, “This world belongs to him, the prince of the air, for he is the prince of this world”. The devil is the prince of this world and he owns it, therefore, until Jesus comes back to take this world after the tribulation, we are all servants of the devil.
I used to like the occult. All that stuff: magic, tarot cards, spirits, the dead, demons, visions, the future, etc, etc, I used to be interested in it and I used to search for it. I used go to psychics for readings and was the jerk who read them and told them they abused whatever ability they had so I was going to take it. I was the jerk who would mess with psychics hours on end just to laugh at them because there was nothing that anyone could tell me that I didn’t already know about my own future. Only idiots allowed other people, not very good ones at that, to determine their fates. Me? I decided my own fate always. I was the jerk that witches pleaded with to leave them alone because they were afraid of me. I was the jerk who pulled demons out of little kids and stuck them inside the flesh and blood vessels of others who had at least some 25 years left to their short lifespan.
I was a horrible jerk all around and I didn’t care because there wasn’t a meaning to life and none of this mattered. Invisible worlds. Invisible things. Stupid people who thought I could control the elements and worse, control demons—none of that mattered. It didn’t give me meaning to life. It didn’t tell me why in the world I was stuck here carrying around this slowly decaying carcass of rot. It didn’t kill me any faster.
God made it mattered once. Once long ago when I loved Him. And I resent Him for that glimmer of hope, for that idiotic vision of something holy and wonderful. My curse words have gone from fuck to Jesus Christ. It’s blasphemous, I’m sure, but it’s not intentional. It wasn’t as if I hated God enough that I started replacing my curse words with the name of Christ. Maybe on the inside, I hated God enough that I started replacing my curse words with the name Christ. It’s been a recurrent habit I need to break since hating God would waste too much energy spent for nothing. It only started after God and I had a misunderstanding and His silence isn’t an acceptable answer. Of course, I’m not entitled for an answer, and I used to get upset about that, but I don’t really care anymore. An answer. No answer. Silence. It’s all the same thing. Just the shadow of a supposedly loving God being His lovingly self.
Going back on topic to magic and the occult and the supernatural and tarot and such things, I used to care for them. I used to seek power. I used to crave knowledge. Now? I’m old. I’ve retired. I don’t care if the world ends today or if demons appear. I don’t care if I live or if I die. I don’t make a difference. I’m weary of this place. I’m even more weary of the other places, places I used to go hide and play in because this place is more annoying than having to sit through an opera of fat singers whose voices can shatter my ear drums. I have great disdain for this world and for all in it. It’s similar to a boil that festers and bubbles and hurts and pops with disgusting yellow green pus that smells like week old fish and boiled eggs soaking up the sun’s rays in the middle of a heap of reeking trash decomposing on the back of an overcrowded boat somewhere very close to the equator on summer solstice, the longest and hottest day of the year. I don’t care for magic and such frivolous shiny things anymore.
I’m not interested in dying gods on dying worlds saved by traveling mortal men (Angelus). Nor am I interested in horned gods who pretty much violate and rape unsuspecting and unwilling women and call that a tribute worthy of a favor (Ceros). I’m not interested in sacrificing virgins (as if such a thing even exists outside of very young children or infants). I’m not interested in the power plays of summer and winter courts (the faes). I’m not interested in blue wolves (Shaar) or demons (Az and Yaar and others). I’m not interested in pulling demons from people (too many idiots to name). I’m not interested in the others (the green eyed monster, etc) and I’m definitely not interested in my dreams anymore or why I have them (I’m looking at you, Death, and the various many ways I suffer and die in the dream world). I’m not even really interested in zombies nor vampires nor dragons and unicorns. There’s only one thing I’m interested in and it has nothing to do with magic or the occult or religion or spirituality at all. And that is a very long road ahead.
The love I had for God, of wanting to be the perfect Christian, the perfect wife, the perfect sexless humanoid angelic like being in the afterlife and whatever other things I believed in, it was all delusion. I am happy for people who believe in such things and I wish them all the best with whatever prayers I still have left in me to pray with, but it’s not for me anymore. Christianity was never meant to be for me. I tried it. It fit perfectly. And then I came out worse for wear because of it. I became someone else I wasn’t. I became this unblemished image of something so unattainable that the higher I climbed to reach it, the farther I fell, and the harder I hit the ground. The more broken I became. No one fixed me. I had to either fix myself or simply break to pieces.
I am not miserable. Rather, I am old and weary and I don’t care for the vapidness of this world or this place or this journey we call life or what comes after it or whatever happens to any other life that exists outside of my own since we’re all in the same boat anyhow. My bones creak. My mind is fraying at the edges. My heart is bleeding dry. I am tired. I don’t understand how many people can’t seem to understand that. They think I hate the world because I’m miserable. No, I hate the world because it’s full of stupid people and I don’t have the patience to deal with anyone’s stupidity or butt hurt feelings. I’m perfectly fine in my feebleness. Everyone else is helter skelter.
I don’t think God is for me. We will see. I don’t expect anything. Expecting things just makes you disappointed when things you hope for don’t happen.