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It’s All Relative

“My old friend, how have you been?” he asked me.

I shrugged. “I saved a fae. That’s about it.”

We laughed. Charly took my hand and kissed my fingers. He was always a sweet gentleman. “And how goes the world?”

I smiled at the kindness, but shook my head at the question. “The world is a mess,” I replied. “It’s different and devolving, but what can you do? They’re just mere mortals.” He nodded in agreement. “Besides, I’m more interested in how you have been. How are things here?”

He drank his tea the same as he has always taken it, a lot of grey with a bit of Earl, just a sprinkle of a fingernail or a hair to add flavor to the cup. “You’ve been gone a long while,” Charly said to me. “It’s been quiet. There hasn’t been much that has changed.”

“I think it’s good not much has changed.” I drank my tea, sweetened with a bit of honey. I didn’t drink tea like how I used to. Everything tasted better sweeter. “Even I haven’t changed that much. I’m still running away from things.”

We laughed and he shook his head. “Is it always so hard for you?” he asked me. “You deserve some bit of happiness in your life.”

“I’m working on it,” I replied. “I’m just impatient for things to get to where I want it to be. It’ll get there, eventually. The hardest things are the kinks,” I told him. He leaned in to listen. “There’s just a bit of annoyance.”

“What annoyance?” he asked. “It’s hard to imagine things irking you.”

I laughed. “Try becoming human. Everything is an annoyance then.” He chuckled. I wasn’t sure if he was ever human. From the moment I met him, he had never been to that world. “I think I’m stuck,” I began again. “It’s like a loop that keeps playing over and over again.”

“Tell me more,” Charly inquired.

“Remember Anna?”

He nodded. “How could I forget?” he asked me. “She’s still married to our best friend.”

“Yes, him.” I paused for a moment. “When they met, the three of us were dark and corrupted, terrible and horrid in our ways.” Charly grinned. He knew exactly how we were. We weren’t kind by any means. We killed and plundered and did such evil things, it was a wonder as to why we all were able to retire quite peacefully and safely in this world. “Well, when Demonico met Anna, she was sweet and innocent and unblemished. A spoiled princess she was. He was smitten from the moment he met her and he wooed her with words I’ve never heard from him ever.”

“Are you still upset about that?” His cheery brows twisted with concern.

I smiled and shook my head. “It was long ago. I’ve long moved past that now.” He nodded and I continued. “Well, the annoyance was exactly that and them and how it just replays even now. Must we all be sweet and innocent and unblemished to be protected? Sometimes I yearn for that, just someone to say they’d save me, even if I never required rescuing. It’s just the comfort of being loved enough that someone would that makes it good to hear.”

“I would save you,” Charly said.

“You did,” I replied. “And I thank you for it.”

He gave me a smile and I smiled back. He saved me long ago when my home was burned to the ground. There was nothing left but ashes and a trail of slime which led into the waters, back to from where they came out of the deep. They were beautiful with their jellied bodies and flashing blue and red lights, bio luminescent in the darkness of the night. I should’ve said something. I should’ve warned someone. I was a helpless brain dead fool who couldn’t remember herself, let alone the generations she lived in that small coastal town where everyone she grew to love grew old and died, leaving her behind.

“Anyhow, it’s different this time. The annoyances aren’t much now, only sometimes when my mind becomes frantic with frustrations and fears. I will wait to hear him say the things I want to hear when he’s ready, when he means it, and when it comes from him and from his heart. It might actually work this time, this happiness thing that eludes me so much. I might have it and I hope I do.”

“I hope you do too,” Charly told me. His expression was the same, a bit soft and sharp at the same time, but he was happy for me. “I am glad it is working out.”

I nodded. “It is working.” I was happy about it working too. Another thought came to mind. “About the fae,” I said. “She is mine. I don’t think any harm would come to her and she should very well stay out of trouble, but the moment something happens, please give me a call. I am keeping one here following her in twilight, but you know how faes are. She understands that the moment she disobeys, she will be under lock and key and a prisoner. I doubt she wants that as faes love their freedom all too much, even if it’s only an illusion.”

“There hasn’t been any accidents,” he assured me. “Mayfel will be fine.”

“And if you ever need gold, you know where I stash mine.”

He laughed. Charly didn’t need gold, ever. We all retired handsomely with enough to last us until the end of the world and beyond. “Thanks,” he answered with a smile. He paused for a moment. “Must you go so soon?”

I nodded. “If I stay longer, you know what will happen.”

“You eat the food in my fridge?” He grinned and I laughed.

“Yes! But no, really. My mind will drift and I wouldn’t be able to hold consciousness in the other place.”

“So lose consciousness,” Charly said to me. “It’s okay for you to relax a little.”

“You don’t know my life,” I replied. “Relaxing is an understatement. Losing consciousness is an understatement.” I laughed. “I have to go. There are many, many things I should do that I’m not doing. There are things I need to find again, old gods I need to be friends again with and so forth.”

“Old gods?” He wasn’t sure if I meant what he thought I meant or if I meant something else entirely. The latter was the correct one.

“The ones that can’t kill us,” I told him. “We let them be what they are. They don’t know what we are and I like it that way.”

He nodded in agreement. There was something freeing about not being noticed. “I’m sorry about not being there for you,” he told me.

I smiled and shook my head. “It’s past,” I said. “We already spoke of it.”

“I didn’t hear you.” He felt pained.

“I know,” I comforted him. “I don’t hold it against you. When I died, I didn’t die, I simply faded into the ether. He thought I died. Silly old gods and all.”

“I’m sorry you were alone.”

“Don’t be.” I got up and walked over and hugged him. “I was lonely then. I wasn’t alone.”

I despaired at the time. I was foolish and hurt at the time. I was suicidal at the time. But nothing happened. I died. He believed I died. And I sat there watching him turn back to his millions of constructs and all his human subjects whose potential apparently was greater than mine. I was glad he didn’t see me cry. I don’t remember how long I was crying. Through blurry eyes, there was a hand and I reached out for it. The man with the green eyes. He came to me when no other heard my cries.

“I’m not losing consciousness anymore,” I informed Charly with a laugh.

“Does that mean I’ll get to keep you longer?” he asked with a smile.

I shook my head. “No, it just means I have other things to do. I’ll see you soon.”

“Come again, Chao,” Charly said to me. I nodded and made a mental note to come again soonish.

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Posted by on November 30, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Being in Love is Like Being an Assassin

I have this unhealthy habit of comparing myself to others in worse case scenarios.

Keera used to tell me about how she’d grow up to be an assassin and she’d make a ton of money being paid to kill people. We were young and stupid with no future except for the foolish made up adventures in our heads. She’d talk about how easy it was to just point the weapon and shoot, that it didn’t matter whose life was at the other end of that gun. After all, we didn’t like people, so it was the perfect job for the both of us.

Oh, sure, I’d be the perfect assassin! I’d get on a plane to Paris, sight see for the day, head on over to some location I had scouted ahead of time, watch the target in my scope and take my time to pull the trigger, eventually, pulling the trigger. Then I’d pack up and go home. I was never going to get married. I was never going to be burdened down with family or attachments. And I was never going to care about the person I just killed…or so I thought. Reality was much different.

I didn’t know how to hold a gun, let alone, shoot it. I’m deathly afraid of zombies, so any dead person isn’t ideal to me. There was this weird fantasy that I could be that kind of person, that I could easily just hide myself away and deal with the circumstances. The fantasy was that I could make myself into anything, even a terrible monster, because I was capable of being just like everyone else.

Being in love is like being an assassin. Worse case scenario, I’d get cheated on by the one I love, with someone I knew or have known, and they’d live happily ever after while I get to be brave and deal with the broken pieces of my heart. I’ve never been cheated on so this is simply an irrational fantasy in my head.

There’s this idea and this thought that if so and so’s relationship with this person ended up like that, then perhaps my relationship with that person would end up like that too. And what hurts worse than being betrayed by the one you love? It’s an experience I know all too well, but only from writing and from reading books. I imagine myself to be able to handle that kind of pain, to be brave and not give a damn about the past, and most importantly, to move on. So what if some guy I saw myself being with for the rest of my life broke my heart? Pfft. I’d heal. I’m an independent woman. I don’t need a man to rule over me.

There’s all these empowering thoughts, all these encouraging words, but I still have this worse case scenario fantasy in my head because my mind wants me to acknowledge that I am tougher than my circumstances, that I am going to be perfectly fine. I can handle pretty much anything. I am a badass woman. Hear me roar.

That’s not always the case. Worse case scenario for anything and everything is that the ones you love could be no more. It’s easier to deal with rejection than to deal with death. Death leaves an empty hole as it takes away a part of you that was attached to someone or something (a pet, for example).

What I’m doing is semi healthy and semi disturbed. My habit of continuously putting myself into these fake situations is two fold: I can prepare for the worse that happens and work through stressful and what could be mind debilitating problems while I’m still rational and calm, or I can masochistically torture myself with false illusions that never were, never are, and never will be which can indeed cripple my sense of self over time. Hm, to weigh the scales, which is which and is it worth it creating imaginary problems to test out my ability to handle such imaginary problems? Such a hard dilemma.

Being in love and being an assassin isn’t actually similar in any way. I really can’t compare because I’ve never been an assassin, but being in love is something that doesn’t need complications from misconceived ideas of what love is and what love isn’t. To be in love is wonderful and one should just enjoy it for what it is: love.

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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The Story Unknown

“I was birthed on a planet where the flowers bloomed blue from the magic running through my world. You call it vos.

There, we had a kingdom and a king who ruled peacefully. There, I was a princess, beloved by all and engaged to be married to a prince of a neighboring kingdom. We, who are royalty, control the vos.

And on the eve before my wedding day, we were attacked by beings from another world. They destroyed my home, enslaved my people, and drained all the vos from that world for themselves.

My father’s most trusted advisor and high magician, the strongest of all the magicians in our world, opened up a portal for me and my fiancee to escape. As long as I was alive, there was hope for my people in that one day, I will inherit the power of my people and I will return to save them from this race of armor wearing warmongers. But fate was not so kind. And what happened next hurled me into lifetimes after lifetimes on various planets and realms.” – Xao

“Our magic wasn’t a virus. It was a living thing, one that embodied us and worked with us through us. It is us. And because it is us, it moves automatically to protect us, to help us, and to defend us without even us thinking.

We had many and much magic. We were shapeshifters. We preferred the blue bats or the blue wolves. But we were also powerful enough to control time and to circumvent time. To transverse time.

I fell in a pool of water when I left that world. I fell in this one: earth. And I was told to go to an apartment and wait for my beloved to come find me. I stayed in a room by myself for a long time, fearing that people would see past the magic because we were not exactly human. We had ears like elves and very long arms that reached down to our knees. We were a bit odd, but we were what we were and being in a different world didn’t help my feeling insecure that my fiancee never made it.

Then one day, I saw him. He was with a woman whom I bumped into once who lived in the same hall of my apartment. Her name was Camelia and he was buying her a wedding ring. It had been months since I’ve seen him and although human, I knew it was him. We from the same place, knows those from the same place. And I followed them to the ring shop. And at the end, when he kissed her and slipped the ring on her finger in the shop, my heart broke in two and I left, silently as I had came and silently because he didn’t even know I was there.

In my despair, I vowed to never come back to this world. I vowed to never come back to earth. And in a scream of heartbreak and longing and loss and despair, I transversed worlds and took my own memory of all that happened here. I had no desire to see it and no desire to remember any of it.

I remember ocean. I fell in the ocean. And I wanted the ocean to drown me, to take away the sadness and the pain in my heart that I no longer knew was the source, but the bleeding ache was still there. Yet, someone found me and while I was not on earth, I was in a similar world, one with people, but also one with its own magic. I didn’t even remember my own name. And I lived longer than everyone. I watched generations die and pass on and I was there still, watching the ocean and wondering where I came from and who I was.

Then one night, the ocean came alive. The ocean glowed and glittered with flashing lights, beautiful lights of greens and pinks and reds and blues and yellows. From out of the depths rose creatures, some familiar, others not. In their wake, whatever they touched, they left behind a sort of clear slime. That slime devoured everything and withered the grass and the world before my very eyes. I was afraid and I ran into the woods and climbed the highest trees and hid from the terror of the deep.

The village was plundered and destroyed. Fire was set to burn the creatures back. The earth shook and trembled with their great fierceness. And I was a coward. I had no memory of having magic or of remembering that I possessed great magic. And in the end, destruction swept throughout the city. But before dawn, the creatures slithered and crawled and made their way back to their ocean depths.

I woke with the sun shining in my face and seeing the damage, I cried for my loss. I had lived in that town my whole life and now, it was gone. A piece of my heart felt empty and the hole that was there only grew bigger. With no more tears left to shed, I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy the last of the sunshine before I drowned myself into the ocean that birthed me so I could go where the rest of the people went.

The sun was short lived as a shadow blocked my light. In my surprise, there was a man in a white suit and a hat, dressed oddly and impeccably and staring at me. I must’ve been a mess with matted hair covered in goo and I must’ve looked horrid because he frowned at me. He touched the goo in my hair and quickly wiped it off his fingers with a handkerchief, throwing the napkin on the ground where it caught fire and he stamped it out with his foot. He looked at it oddly.

“My name is Charly,” he said. “Do you speak?”

I looked at him dumbfounded.

“Do you know how to speak?” He paused for a moment. I didn’t understand anything he was saying. He was speaking the tongue of the people in the city, the people that were now long gone.

“Let’s try this again,” he muttered. “My name is Charly. Can you speak?”

“I understand you,” I replied. He now spoke the earth language that I had forgotten I knew of.

He smiled and held out a hand to me. “Come,” he said. “I will take you with me and you will be mine. You will be safe from all harm and you will have all things. I am Charly and I will now look after you.”

“Charly,” I repeated his name. He was beautiful and pleasing to the eyes, but the hole in my heart was too wide to hold love for any other. I didn’t know that it once held love before I was betrayed.

“Yes, Charly. Now come along. There is somewhere we have to go and someone I’d like you to meet.” He bent down and helped me up, not even aware that I was dirtying his nice white suit. He only smiled and talked to me and took me in his arms and hugged me tight. Charly. And I was his now. He was going to take care of me. It’s what he said.

Charly took me and cleaned me up and we rested in an inn in the marketplace. He fed me and clothed me and he was indeed very nice to me and always so respectful.

I learned that Charly was not of that world, but he was a traveler, He could slip through worlds and we were going to meet another, his only and best friend, Demonico–another who could slip through worlds and open gateways. These were all things I had forgotten and all things I didn’t remember. But, being with them, living with them, loving them, were some of the best years of my life.

And then we settled in the Otherworld–a place neither here nor there, but a place innocent and untouched by the cruelty and horrors of other worlds and the creatures there. It was a safe haven for all who entered its borders.

My story does not stop there, but I must for this is too long for you to read. I shall wait eagerly for your reply.” – Xao

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2014 in Diary, Ongoing Story Progression

 

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The Adventures of Maeve in Arcadia, Land of the Faes

“What is it that keeps you here?” I asked him. He was old, probably older than dirt which only meant that he was ancient, but he was human in all the senses that humanity were. He ate. He breathed. And he watched football. Or at least that was my impression of it.

“Duty,” he replied. The ArchDuke was no stranger to being in the land of Arcadia. He guarded the iron tower, a place I’ve seen in my dreams and a place I thought would keep me safe. It was him who grabbed me that day. I had trespassed into the world of the faes, unknowingly and foolishly. Yet, that Arcadia was different from this one. That one was filled with desert and sand. This one was filled with grass and of course, an open mine field as the iron tower was highly booby-trapped. It was not an open place for visitors.

“You know my duty will be over soon. I will leave.”

He glanced up at me. “I’ve come to view you as a daughter,” he said. I wondered if that was a lie or if it was truth. I couldn’t tell. Being human made him dishonest and being ancient made him cunning. “I wouldn’t want you to go so soon.”

I sighed and gave him the best smile I could. I pulled the parchment paper out of my pocket and held it up to him. “I have a free pass to enter and leave as I please,” I replied. “I’m certain I shall visit.”

“Even I only visit here,” he told me. That much was true. The ArchDuke didn’t live in Arcadia, at least not to my knowledge. Where his home was, I wasn’t sure, but I knew it wasn’t here on earth…

Was it?

My mind flickered to a boy, a man, really who was a decade older than I am–but ages aside, where did the ArchDuke live? Where did all supernatural creatures reside?

“Xyr is with me,” I replied. “I doubt I can get rid of that one although he is quite compliant at doing any bidding I need when I have need of him.” Treating dying gods not yet dead as servants wasn’t quite the idea they had in mind as reverence, but I highly doubted their interest in me didn’t include rendering me expendable so I might as well use what I’ve got and make the best of it.

For once, the ArchDuke chuckled. It was difficult to get a smile out of him, much less, something halfway between a smirk and a laugh.

“And that is why you feel so much like a daughter to me.”

“Don’t tell me they’ve kept you locked here away in this castle, pretending you’ve got freedom when you’re really a slave, and didn’t even allow you the courtesy of having children around.”

“No, my dear. You see, I don’t have any children. I’ve already had them.” And somehow, there stretched generations and generations forth of his kin, carving their own fates through time to the current present.

“I feel for you,” I told him. His blue eyes were still so blue and he wore black now, as if our parting was meant to be a heavy heart event. “I wouldn’t want to live forever. I’m not exactly immortal character. I’m much more immoral and that doesn’t fit well with any length of time and unimaginable power.”

He laughed and I wondered if his laughs were an attempt at a last goodbye. I couldn’t stay. Okay, I lied. I could’ve, but Arcadia wasn’t my home and to be split into pieces like I am now–really did no harm, but the point of the matter was that my time was up. I vassalized myself and now, the deed is finished.

The thought of the human vessels I owned came to mind and I pushed the thoughts away. Whether this was the same thing or not, I wasn’t too keen on becoming anyone’s property. Vessels held whatever their owners wanted in them. Mine held demons I pulled out of the children of men. Most of those entities now float in free space, cast off into the farthest reaches of the universe, bound with no hopes of returning. What was I to him? A vessel for a god? No. A god who couldn’t out best my god, which wasn’t even a god at all, is no god. And yet, they each have their own personalities and their own pasts.

“You are a dear one,” he said. “Make no mistake of that.”

I grinned. “You only like me because I know your grandson.”

He erupted in laughter at that. I imagined him like William–blond, blue eyed, going bald–perhaps a bit of an Englishman if I was able to pinpoint his origins. “Grandson? No, and yes. A child of Xyr’s is a child of mine.”

“My same point,” I replied. I was told very few things, short of being told that I was crap and worthless as well. The thoughts anger me as the one who said it angers me and I wished to banish him to the deepest darkest depths of hell if that was possible, yet he resides a constant image in my head and that, I hated and loved all at the same time.

“That would make you a granddaughter.”

I shrugged. “I like old people. It’s fine. You should see my collection. Currently, I have three old ladies that I like, two old men, and I’m certain that collection is growing. I can throw both you and him in there, and Xyr too since he’s quite up there in age.”

“You don’t cease to amuse me,” he replied.

“You sound like many other men,” I told him. “I wish one other person thought so.”

“He will,” the ArchDuke replied. “In time.”

“I wish not to be here in time.” I turned away. The place was so empty. It must’ve been lonely for him being here for so long. Where were all the servants? The dragon keepers and tenders–where were they? The castle was void of life and of even the faintest sounds of footsteps.

“You want to leave now?” I didn’t know if that was genuine pain in the inflection in his voice.

“You said I should leave as soon as I can,” I told him. “He said I did this to myself, which I did and he never forewarned me, knowing it all.”

“You’re disappointed.”

If there were such things as giants, the ArchDuke was one. He towered me and stood perhaps seven feet tall. Or maybe I only felt that small that he was so big. I’ve been disappointed many times and with many people. One more wouldn’t break me.

“I did say you should leave. The world of faes is not for humans.” He paused. “You are here now. You still wish to go?”

“I cannot stay beyond the agreement made.”

“A broken agreement.”

“I held up my end of the bargain, until Mayfel disappeared.”

“And you will never find her,” he whispered in my ear from behind. His hands were steady on my shoulders, heavy as if all the magic he now possessed would turn me to stone at that point so I was going to become a permanent fixture in his home, a cure for his loneliness, perhaps. Where were the dragons?

“I don’t wish to find those that betray me.”

“You betrayed her first,” he said.

“I didn’t realize I was betrayed by someone I trusted,” I replied. It was easy to trust him, as easy as it was to trust his beloved and look where I went wrong there. Three times I was warned to not trust her and I did. Look how far I fell! And twice now, I’ve been warned to being disappointed by him. I know a third one is not far behind. I wasn’t sure if it was disappointment or betrayal.

“Don’t be so sad,” he said. “You have your whole life ahead of you.”

I nodded. “What of you?” I asked him. “What will happen to you?

He smiled. “Funny you worry about me. I will go back to the way that things were before you came.”

That was understandable. If I stayed any longer, I feared the Sims would no longer satisfy my evil cravings for death and destruction and I would take my rampage on existing worlds. Boredom drives me to terrible dangers.

A voice echoes in my head, one that spews out criticism and self-doubt for me. One that chains me with his notions of the insignificance of my existence. Fuck you, I thought to the voice. Since you believe me to be weak, why do you keep tearing me down with your own opinions of my insignificance? Who cares if I believe that I make a difference to others? Since I don’t mean a damn thing to you, fuck off.

The voice wavers and is silent. He’s still silent.

“I will come visit,” I told the ArchDuke. “I am good on my words.”

“I know you are,” he said. He hesitated and I knew he have watched us from the beginning of the agreement.

“You want me to tell him something?” I asked.

“If you don’t mind,” he replied.

“He only bothers me when I think about the bad,” I said. “Most of the time, I’m stupid happy to hear from him so if you have a message, I shall give it to him.”

He nodded. He doesn’t look as old as he is. Was if fae magic that kept him ageless? Or was it my own perversion of not wanting to develop a fetish for old people since I everyone I do take a liking to is much older than myself? It’s the conversation that interests me. Old people can hold an intelligent conversation that isn’t filled with vulgarity and sex and the ignorance of today’s youth and that’s what attracts me.

“What he’s looking for is right in front of him,” the ArchDuke said. “If he can’t understand it, then he’s not as bright as I’ve given him credit for.”

I laughed. “He’s bright, alright. It’s catching him in a talkative mood which makes the difference. And that’s slim to none lately.”

“He’ll come around,” was all he said to me.

“I’m leaving, you know,” I told him. “New York, maybe. I’d like to go to Japan, but that’s a bit of a stretch right now. Maybe I’ll get lost amongst the crowd in the big city.”

“You’re never lost in the crowd.” He pressed his lips on my forehead like he does at times. Then he stiffened and with eyes that sparkled, said in a cold voice to me. “You’re free to leave now.”

I almost protested the icy departure command, but I realized he had a visitor. The ArchDuke hardly ever had visitors. I said nothing, stared at him as I bowed, and walked off in the opposite direction, not looking to see who was the one who entered into the chambers. By the magic content, it was fae. And by the familiarity of a chest stab to the heart, it was female. It was the winter Queen.

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2014 in Ongoing Story Progression

 

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