RSS

Tag Archives: Hurt

It’s All Relative

“My old friend, how have you been?” he asked me.

I shrugged. “I saved a fae. That’s about it.”

We laughed. Charly took my hand and kissed my fingers. He was always a sweet gentleman. “And how goes the world?”

I smiled at the kindness, but shook my head at the question. “The world is a mess,” I replied. “It’s different and devolving, but what can you do? They’re just mere mortals.” He nodded in agreement. “Besides, I’m more interested in how you have been. How are things here?”

He drank his tea the same as he has always taken it, a lot of grey with a bit of Earl, just a sprinkle of a fingernail or a hair to add flavor to the cup. “You’ve been gone a long while,” Charly said to me. “It’s been quiet. There hasn’t been much that has changed.”

“I think it’s good not much has changed.” I drank my tea, sweetened with a bit of honey. I didn’t drink tea like how I used to. Everything tasted better sweeter. “Even I haven’t changed that much. I’m still running away from things.”

We laughed and he shook his head. “Is it always so hard for you?” he asked me. “You deserve some bit of happiness in your life.”

“I’m working on it,” I replied. “I’m just impatient for things to get to where I want it to be. It’ll get there, eventually. The hardest things are the kinks,” I told him. He leaned in to listen. “There’s just a bit of annoyance.”

“What annoyance?” he asked. “It’s hard to imagine things irking you.”

I laughed. “Try becoming human. Everything is an annoyance then.” He chuckled. I wasn’t sure if he was ever human. From the moment I met him, he had never been to that world. “I think I’m stuck,” I began again. “It’s like a loop that keeps playing over and over again.”

“Tell me more,” Charly inquired.

“Remember Anna?”

He nodded. “How could I forget?” he asked me. “She’s still married to our best friend.”

“Yes, him.” I paused for a moment. “When they met, the three of us were dark and corrupted, terrible and horrid in our ways.” Charly grinned. He knew exactly how we were. We weren’t kind by any means. We killed and plundered and did such evil things, it was a wonder as to why we all were able to retire quite peacefully and safely in this world. “Well, when Demonico met Anna, she was sweet and innocent and unblemished. A spoiled princess she was. He was smitten from the moment he met her and he wooed her with words I’ve never heard from him ever.”

“Are you still upset about that?” His cheery brows twisted with concern.

I smiled and shook my head. “It was long ago. I’ve long moved past that now.” He nodded and I continued. “Well, the annoyance was exactly that and them and how it just replays even now. Must we all be sweet and innocent and unblemished to be protected? Sometimes I yearn for that, just someone to say they’d save me, even if I never required rescuing. It’s just the comfort of being loved enough that someone would that makes it good to hear.”

“I would save you,” Charly said.

“You did,” I replied. “And I thank you for it.”

He gave me a smile and I smiled back. He saved me long ago when my home was burned to the ground. There was nothing left but ashes and a trail of slime which led into the waters, back to from where they came out of the deep. They were beautiful with their jellied bodies and flashing blue and red lights, bio luminescent in the darkness of the night. I should’ve said something. I should’ve warned someone. I was a helpless brain dead fool who couldn’t remember herself, let alone the generations she lived in that small coastal town where everyone she grew to love grew old and died, leaving her behind.

“Anyhow, it’s different this time. The annoyances aren’t much now, only sometimes when my mind becomes frantic with frustrations and fears. I will wait to hear him say the things I want to hear when he’s ready, when he means it, and when it comes from him and from his heart. It might actually work this time, this happiness thing that eludes me so much. I might have it and I hope I do.”

“I hope you do too,” Charly told me. His expression was the same, a bit soft and sharp at the same time, but he was happy for me. “I am glad it is working out.”

I nodded. “It is working.” I was happy about it working too. Another thought came to mind. “About the fae,” I said. “She is mine. I don’t think any harm would come to her and she should very well stay out of trouble, but the moment something happens, please give me a call. I am keeping one here following her in twilight, but you know how faes are. She understands that the moment she disobeys, she will be under lock and key and a prisoner. I doubt she wants that as faes love their freedom all too much, even if it’s only an illusion.”

“There hasn’t been any accidents,” he assured me. “Mayfel will be fine.”

“And if you ever need gold, you know where I stash mine.”

He laughed. Charly didn’t need gold, ever. We all retired handsomely with enough to last us until the end of the world and beyond. “Thanks,” he answered with a smile. He paused for a moment. “Must you go so soon?”

I nodded. “If I stay longer, you know what will happen.”

“You eat the food in my fridge?” He grinned and I laughed.

“Yes! But no, really. My mind will drift and I wouldn’t be able to hold consciousness in the other place.”

“So lose consciousness,” Charly said to me. “It’s okay for you to relax a little.”

“You don’t know my life,” I replied. “Relaxing is an understatement. Losing consciousness is an understatement.” I laughed. “I have to go. There are many, many things I should do that I’m not doing. There are things I need to find again, old gods I need to be friends again with and so forth.”

“Old gods?” He wasn’t sure if I meant what he thought I meant or if I meant something else entirely. The latter was the correct one.

“The ones that can’t kill us,” I told him. “We let them be what they are. They don’t know what we are and I like it that way.”

He nodded in agreement. There was something freeing about not being noticed. “I’m sorry about not being there for you,” he told me.

I smiled and shook my head. “It’s past,” I said. “We already spoke of it.”

“I didn’t hear you.” He felt pained.

“I know,” I comforted him. “I don’t hold it against you. When I died, I didn’t die, I simply faded into the ether. He thought I died. Silly old gods and all.”

“I’m sorry you were alone.”

“Don’t be.” I got up and walked over and hugged him. “I was lonely then. I wasn’t alone.”

I despaired at the time. I was foolish and hurt at the time. I was suicidal at the time. But nothing happened. I died. He believed I died. And I sat there watching him turn back to his millions of constructs and all his human subjects whose potential apparently was greater than mine. I was glad he didn’t see me cry. I don’t remember how long I was crying. Through blurry eyes, there was a hand and I reached out for it. The man with the green eyes. He came to me when no other heard my cries.

“I’m not losing consciousness anymore,” I informed Charly with a laugh.

“Does that mean I’ll get to keep you longer?” he asked with a smile.

I shook my head. “No, it just means I have other things to do. I’ll see you soon.”

“Come again, Chao,” Charly said to me. I nodded and made a mental note to come again soonish.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 30, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Somewhere, a Caged Bird Flies Free

People are a curious thing to me. Each of them, unique. You can’t really compare people. Sure, you can take some similarities about them (physical descriptions, emotional experiences, spiritual beliefs, etc) and try and put them into categories to become mathematical statistics, but at the root of it all, each person, the whole of them, cannot be compared to another person.

I’m not much of a people person outside of immediate family members. I prefer being by myself. I prefer doing things on my own. I prefer not having the responsibility of having to account myself to another or to account another to myself. But I like to talk a lot. I guess that makes me friendly in a way, because it’s easy to talk to people. Just say hi and go from there.

This world, the people in it, I don’t understand any of it or them at all. I don’t understand their actions. I don’t understand their reasonings. I don’t understand what kind of people they are and if it’s even appropriate to call them people at all. It’s so confusing.

Everyone in this world wants love. They want happiness. They want family. They want belonging. They want freedom. They want life. They want kindness. They want help. They want pretty much the same thing as the person next to them. But who loves? And who gives happiness? And who contributes to family? Who helps others belong? Who stands up for freedom? Who protects life? Who is kind? Who helps another? None of them. And it confuses me so much because I don’t understand. Everyone, every person, wants all these things, but doesn’t help anyone else, and sometimes doesn’t even help themselves. How can the world magically shift and change and utopia be created with no one wanting to do the work or with no one putting forth the effort? It will never happen. None of it. None of these wants. None of these things. None of it will ever happen.

It’s such a simple thing in my mind, these are such simple things: to love, to give happiness, to contribute to family, to help others belong, to stand up for freedom, to protect life, to be kind, and to help others. Why is no one doing it?

Selfishness, ego, and pride, three terrible things that destroys everything good and worthwhile.

I was once asked what good things I did that helped someone else out. Did I go volunteer at the homeless shelters? Did I feed the hungry? Did I leave bags of groceries on door steps anonymously?

I’m not a people person, I said. If someone was to wait for me to suddenly be inhabited by the spirit of Mother Teresa (which will never happen as I’m against possession), then they will wait forever. It’s a strange thing, that people want an itemized list of good deeds to measure someone with. Does doing good things and having people know about them, winning awards for them, being featured on television, does all of that really make someone a good person? People should just be kinder. People do not need to win awards or have the praises of others to tell them they’re doing something good. But that’s the world today. They all just want to see. Show me what good things you’ve done. Show me.

I can’t. I can’t show awards and medals, certificates and video links, testimonies and work hours. I don’t have any of that. And I don’t want any of that. What good does any of that do me? You help someone. You tell other people about it. They praise you on what a kind, wonderful person you are. Why did you help someone? Was it to help them or was it to help yourself? The things that people do in secret will be shown outwardly in their lives. I’m not a people person, but I have plenty of friends, and my friends are happy with me and I’m ok with that.

If we didn’t live in a society of show and tell, our world would be a much better place, a kinder place with gentler people who didn’t require rigorous testing to be deemed worthy of anything at all. Every person is unique. Every person is worthy of all these things: love, happiness, family, belonging, freedom, life, kindness, and help.

People hurt. They experience such bad things. How does that not give them sympathy for others that are hurting too? How does pain harden hearts instead of softening them? I don’t understand it. We’ve all experienced disappointments. We’ve all experienced loss. We’ve all experienced abuse. We’ve all experienced bad. How do we all just draw up into our own little shells, trapped in our own little worlds, ignoring everything and everyone around us? Is our hurt that bad that we cannot comfort another from their hurt? Are we afraid of being hurt more? What is life if we stand still, trapped in a cage of our own making by the experiences we’ve gone through and all that we’ve suffered?

The past is gone. It may hurt. It may take time to heal. But it’s gone. It’s over with. And we move on, eventually. Somewhere, a caged bird flies free, whether that cage is of our own making or the entrapment of another, somewhere, a caged bird flies free, not looking back and not trying to be caged again.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 24, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I Pity the Souls that Darkness Takes

We are mortal men pretending to be gods. A bit of power in our direction, and we suddenly are gods. How far have we fallen that we choose to believe in the darkness and know it’s darkness, than in the light where we can truly see?

I pity the souls that darkness takes,
The silent screams of utter hate.
Those words of false wisdom that fills my ears,
They say, “Listen, listen, listen here!

“Take no heed for this Christian God,
I know he’s false, you retard!
It’s all just lies, this Bible you read,
Why do you continue to believe?

“They step on the freedoms of women everywhere.
No talking in church, no disobeying us men here.
We are men and proud, so let us lead,
You are women, following us is where you’ll be.

“Don’t eat pork. Nothing unclean should touch you.
Follow the Sabbaths. Obey all of God’s rules.
Work six days, and rest on the seventh,
Be good and earn your way into heaven.

“How do you believe in something so false?
Only fools like you are truly lost!
Follow our way, for we are enlightened,
Come with us, have your minds brightened.

“We know because we have seen with our own eyes,
This God of yours is a complete lie.
We have dark magic we’ll share with you,
Listen to us. Listen to the truth.

“We are powerful and we hold this world together,
Keeping out all sorts of nasty creatures.
You do not know of our heavy burden,
Come with us and help us hold up the curtain.

“The veil! The veil! Help us to not let it fall.
Nasty wicked creatures wants to rule us all.
Leave your false Christian roots and forsake the lie,
I am the truth. I am the way. With me, you will never die.”

The darkness lies and blinds all in its shadows,
Making people arrogant and stubborn assholes.
Yet God is great and He forgives,
If people will humble themselves and choose to live.

The end is not yet, but it is near,
All with eyes to see and ears to hear,
Remember the truth that most deny,
God is King and in Christ is our ally.

I pity the souls that darkness takes,
Filled with so much pain and utter hate.
For a love they need that can only be fulfilled,
By God who created them according to His will.

Sad are the broken people with contrite hearts,
Arrogant, bitter, and angry, trying to keep God apart.
We mortal men who desire to be gods on earth,
Remember the tale told from our birth,

He is King alone in Heaven above,
He sent His son to die for us out of love.
So humble yourselves now and ask Him to forgive,
Let Jesus cleanse your sins, and in Him, live.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 7, 2014 in Diary, Poetry

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,