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Tag Archives: Marisa

Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey, and Why Women Repeatedly Put up With Abusive Relationships

Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie adaptation of E. L. James’ erotica, came out this past weekend, spurring millions of dollars in revenues and lots of reviews. I’ve always been vocal about my dislike of Fifty Shades of Grey and its predecessor, The Twilight Saga, which glorifies abusive relationships and aren’t appropriate for adults, let alone the younger girls that Twilight is aimed at as it’s target audience. James, who originally wrote Fifty Shades of Grey as Twilight fan fiction, took author Stephenie Meyer’s twisted Edward and Bella relationship and turned it into an even worse kind of relationship between Christian and Ana. For me, Fifty Shades of Grey and The Twilight Saga isn’t merely just fiction. It’s personal.

I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. I went to a middle school that was predominantly black. I’m Asian. It wasn’t easy to fit in. From a young age, I was taught that people of the same color usually tended to stick with one another: all the white kids, all the black kids, all the Hispanic kids, and yes, all us Asian kids as well. By middle school, there was more of us so that was great. I didn’t feel so bad then, but before that, it was hell trying to be nice to kids to have friends, to not be alone, and to not feel alone. I spent most of my childhood trying to please other people, which translated into an automatic mechanism that triggers in my relationships later on in my life. The thought process behind that mechanism is pretty much along the lines of, “if I can do this or that for someone, or prove myself valuable and worthy of them, then I won’t have to be alone”. As we can all see now, it’s a really messed up way of thinking, but we all still do it to a degree. We give in to peer pressure and do things we would’ve never done before. We tolerate the subtleties of abuse hidden behind promises and empty words from others that were meant to be nothing but a form of control over us.

It took me a long time to break out of that habit, the habit of letting others do whatever they wanted with me and to me just as long as they’re happy and okay. I’m still not as mean as I’d like to be, but I can now tell people to go screw themselves when I do catch the mind games and realize all the power plays for control of me. It’s all very subtle. Or it can be blatantly in your face like something I read today with a woman who is trying to appease a friend who was upset at her for apparently no reason. While she didn’t understand the friend’s anger, she still wanted the friend to be happy and she still wanted the best for that person, even when they basically told her the equivalent of, “fuck off“.

I’m not a stranger to those words. I used to cry about it. I used to be confused and not understand why someone was being so mean when all I wanted was to make them happy. It all stems back to my childhood and wanting friends which led to low self esteem and an overwhelming dependency on other people’s thoughts of me to validate my self worth. Reading what that woman wrote made me feel bad. I used to feel like that. I used to be the one who would try to make someone smile and think the world of them, even when all they wanted was candy I had or some other material thing. I wanted to say something to her, to that woman. I wanted to tell her the reason why it didn’t matter that her friend was upset, but why it did matter that she move on and not let such people control her emotions nor her life anymore.

It’s almost always about a boy.

Bella sees Edward and immediately starts obsessing about him. It’s not even that he’s into her, it’s that she created an ideal of him in her head simply based on how gorgeous he was. And in her ideal of him, he is actually a big, soft, cuddly teddy bear that wants love just as much as she does.

This is where all of us fail at relationships before there even could be any sort of relationship. We create versions of people in our minds that are suited to us, that are suited to our needs. Unfortunately, love is an incredible need that every person experiences. Love isn’t sex. And sex isn’t love. But because of love, many, many people will suffer abusive relationships all because of the ideal of someone they have clung on to inside their minds.The truth could be rather vocal like the woman and her friend. Instead of taking what was said and what happened for what it was, she held on to the hope that somehow, her love could change them and their behavior towards her. How I greatly wanted to shake her and tell her to snap out of her defeating daydream of someone else and what she hoped they were. It was much different from who they really were.

In Blood Lust, book two of the Turning Vampire Series, Marisa suffers a very controlling and physically abusive relationship at the hands of Alessander. Because he physically beats her, people reading that book can see that it’s domestic violence in its purest form: physical abuse. However, many people don’t realize that abuse isn’t only when someone is black and blue and almost dead from being beaten by their spouse/lover/friend/family member/etc. Abuse is any form of control of another. That could be as simple as convincing someone that they shouldn’t hang around a friend who has never done any harm or as complicated as manipulating someone like how Alessander manipulated Marisa.

One of my friends reading Blood Lust was greatly disgusted by Alessander and Marisa’s relationship. Although Marisa did learn how to stand up for herself and how to stop Alessander from hurting her, she went through all the steps that someone in an abusive relationship goes through. One of those main things is believing all the lies told by the other person. It’s odd how people are drawn to others who say no to them. Edward made it clear that he didn’t want Bella, and yet, she stalks him like a puppy, hoping he’d recant that whole episode where he ran off to get away from her and instead, declare his undying love for her. Christian made it clear to Ana that she was merely a play thing to him, a toy he wanted to use when he wanted and she had no influence in his life at all. He was influencing hers. However, despite all the signs of no, she still believed that deep down inside, he was a tortured soul who needed someone like her who could put up with his punishments and make him happy in the hopes that one day in some far off future, he’d confess his love for her. Alessander is a lot different from Edward and Christian. Instead of pushing Marisa away like how Edward did to Bella and Christian did to Ana, Alessander manipulated Marisa into thinking she wasn’t worth anything to anyone and that no one wanted her. Alessander was everything of the classic typical abuser in a romantic relationship that most people think of when they think of domestic abuse. They think of violence, of fights, of being put down and torn down. They think of male egos and arrogance. Alessander presented only one of the many multifaceted faces of abuse. Edward and Christian presented two more. All three were abusive. Edward creepily watched over Bella while she was asleep and kept tabs on her while she was awake. He listened in on other people’s thoughts to spy on her. Christian downright controlled Ana with his demands and the risk of “losing” whatever semi-resemblance of a relationship they had together. Alessander totally took it over board, but sadly, it’s not very far from the truth of how reality is for many people. Many people will never do what Marisa did. The concept of self preservation, self worth, self anything seems foreign to them.

It all starts in our heads.

As much as everyone wants to blame the more aggressive person in an abusive relationship, abuse actually starts with the person who allows themselves to be hurt. I’m not talking about the people who wake up one day to a black eye and don’t know how their relationship got that way. There’s that too and it’s wrong. I’m talking about us and how we have these expectational ideas of others. The woman believed her friend was simply having a bad day. Although she couldn’t understand why the friend was angry at her since she only strives to make the other person happy, it is well understood that whatever sort of relationship she has with that friend is largely one sided. I can’t really blame her for thinking the best or wanting to think the best about others, but the excuses that she makes for the friend’s behavior is something I’m familiar with. There’s a part of all of us that can see things as how they truly are. We will see bad friends as bad people. Yet, a different part of us holds on to these unrealistic ideas that our bad friend is somehow a good person and just going through a rough time. I was stuck in that circle for a while. I knew exactly what kind of friend my friend could be because I’ve watched her spend time with others, do things for others, be kind to others, share with others, and then, she spends a total of a few minutes saying hi to me and that’s it. She talks longer if she’s hungry and wants me to cook her food. Yet, knowing that she was a bad friend to me, I kept hoping that if I was nice back, she’d eventually act like a real friend. She never did and I had to finally accept that some people are great friends to others, but really bad friends to us. And even then, I still cried about it, because I knew she was a good person at heart. And that’s exactly the dilemma that this woman was having: her friend was a decently good person with a good heart and they were good friends with others, but the two of them didn’t get along well. Yet, knowing this, she still held on to that false hope that maybe that friend will change and treat her better as I thought my friend would surely see my worth and treat me better too. She didn’t.

We often are afraid to lose people for imagined potentials at what kind of relationship we could have with someone in the future.

I remember a girl from my childhood who hated me, but I wanted to be her friend so badly, that I was super nice to her all of the time. To describe our relationship, it was like Cole off of the movie, The Sixth Sense, and the bully Tommy who pretended to be friends with him in front of his mom. This girl pretended to be my friend in front of her mom. We’d get to school and she’d ditch me for all of her other friends. Her mom thought we were best friends. I thought we were best friends too. I didn’t understand that we weren’t until I was much older. That was a bad relationship. We didn’t physically fight. We didn’t hurt each other. But there was still a lot of misleading things and manipulations and abuse. In the end, we weren’t friends anymore and her mom came to my house and gave me back all the stuff I gave her daughter. The sad thing is, I had nothing to give to the woman as something her daughter gave me out of friendship. Back then, I also wasn’t brave enough to tell her mom what really happened. I still cared too much about what anyone thought of me.

Peer pressure is a huge thing for children. Being liked, making friends, feeling lonely…all of that affects everyone at some stage in their life. We can do without all the books that glorify abuse in relationships and tell us that we need someone else’s approval to be worth something. We’ve already told ourselves that enough as children. We hope for a, “I’m proud of you” from our parents and teachers. We hope for inclusion from our friends. And now we have popular books that tell us that independence is a lie and we need someone else to be complete.

The message in today’s world is that we cannot be strong without someone being weak. That’s the wrong message to send out to anyone, anywhere. I saw a meme today where some out of the closet atheist woman said, “I am happy that men wrote the Bible. That means that women didn’t.”

My reply was: “That’s sexist and quite frankly, a foolish thing to say. It took a man in order to birth that woman. It’s cool for men and women to be treated equally, but all this superiority bs simply needs to stop. She could’ve simply said she was an atheist instead of trying to belittle men to make her self worth as a woman greater. It shows that she has no self worth and that’s sad.

The opening poster said: “Oh BooHoo! You missed the point.”

In which I replied, “So I should acknowledge other people’s stupidity for a supposed point? No thanks. If someone’s going to make a stand for what they believe in, there’s no need to bash anyone else to make you or your religion or whatever you believe in as being better. She will die like the rest of us. Every human being will have the same ending: death, and there’s no escape from that.

So the OP responds with, “Freedom from religion certainly angers some folks, eh?

And the last thing I replied on that topic said, “It’s not about religion. It’s about people. Did I care that she was speaking against the Bible and that she’s atheist? Nope. Don’t twist my words into something you want it to be to better suit your own religious agendas. It’s not your freedom from religion that angers me. It’s my freedom of religion that angers you. That’s sad.

It’s really tiring when a lot of my pagan/atheist/non-christian friends talk about Christianity more than I do, and yet, they want to claim that Christians are the ones shoving our religion in their faces. I can’t tell whether they’re trying to convince everyone not to be a Christian by constantly talking about it, or that they’re trying to convince their selves of how they shouldn’t be a Christian by talking about Christianity all the time. Either way, let it go. It’s obsessive behavior and abusive to yourself. It’s not your freedom from religion that angers me. It’s my freedom of religion that angers you. And that is sad.

It’s late. I’m calling it a night. Stop the abuse and the acceptance of abuse in relationships.

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Posted by on February 17, 2015 in Book Reviews, Diary, Movies, Things Worth Fighting For

 

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Sneak Peek Summary at Loose Ends, Fourth Novel in the Turning Vampire Series

Here are the summaries of the first three published books in the Turning Vampire series and the soon-to-be published fourth novel, Loose Ends.

The Turning: Seventeen year old Marisa James has never been popular growing up, but after moving into the small town of Sterling, South Dakota, she finds herself at the center of attention of three handsome Russian brothers. Alessander, Demetri, and Ra’vin Arromanovokzja are immortals who are content to lead invisible lives among humans until they are drawn to Marisa. They befriend her in order to learn more about their attraction to her but when they learn of a secret that even she isn’t aware of, they must make a choice that would alter all of their lives forever. Marisa is a vampire, but one not yet turned. A vampire’s turning is a most dangerous event that usually results in numerous deaths. Unable to leave Marisa to face her turning alone, the brothers adopt her into their family in the hopes of preventing a tragedy although they now place their own lives in danger as well.

Blood Lust: Marisa and her three brothers: Alessander, Demetri, and Ra’vin Arromanovokzja, have been called home to the Carpathians by their mother, the queen of the Zjavankas and head of the Council, an elite group of vampires that govern the world. Marisa, however, has a secret. She is twice turned and while she is fully a royal, she is also a Streigos, a fearsome vampire that takes on the physical form of a monster that could appear any day and expose her secret. With the Zjavankas and the Streigos at odds with one another, Marisa finds herself at odds with her new vampire life. When Marisa meets a handsome man named Tristinos, she finds herself thrown into a different world, one that will open her eyes to the lies surrounding her new family and her new life. Who is Tristinos and what does he know about Marisa’s secret? Is she safe by trusting him or will she have only put herself into more danger than her brothers can save her out of?

Masquerade: Joining the Council, an elite group of vampires who oversaw political affairs, was the best decision Marisa and her brothers Alessander, Demetri, and Ra’vin ever made in order to help bring peace between the Zjavankas and the Streigos, two warring vampire factions. Being the only vampire who is both a Zjavanka and a Streigos, Marisa has managed to hide the scarier gargoyle side of her until now. Marisa is turning again and a Streigos doesn’t resemble anything close to human. How will her brothers protect her from the persecution of the Zjavankas once they find out that she’s a Streigos? And what’s worse, her Maker, the demon Streigos himself, is now on her tail and has threatened the Zjavankas with war. Will everything that Marisa and her brothers have worked so hard for all be for nothing? Or is there a way to unite the two groups with the truth of the feud before it’s too late?

Loose Ends: Marisa has chosen to leave her brothers, Alessander, Demetri, and Ra’vin, in order to protect them from the threat of death by Svendios, her Maker and the demon Streigos himself. All Marisa has known since becoming a vampire is left behind as Svendios takes her somewhere far away, separating her and all the ones she loves forever. When a chance to undo the past forces Marisa to reconsider the bad choices she’s made in her life, including the decision to leave, Marisa is led to explore an all too real temptation as she must decide to keep the life she had–mistakes and all, or create a new one, not knowing if that new life comes at the expense of destroying the lives she aimed to protect.

You can find the Turning Vampire series on Amazon here:
http://amazon.com/dp/B00HBKIPUY
http://amazon.com/dp/B00IS9MXN2
http://amazon.com/dp/B00JO16LUY

You can also find the Turning Vampire series at Smashwords here:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/386187
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/415301
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/428766

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2014 in Book Reviews

 

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Dreaming Dreams About Vampires and Other Things

I suppose this is what I get for not working on my writing. Is dreaming about vampires a hint for continuing my vampire series? I have no idea, but the thought of dreaming is interesting for in a dream, it’s a bit of a mix of real life and movies and the supernatural.

A dream is the perfect alternate reality for in dreams, we are much like in real life, except it all ends suddenly and we’re awakened. It reminds me of that short quote that says:

Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was myself. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.

In a dream, anything can happen. Yet, the dreamer most undoubtedly cannot distinguish between the laws of reality in a dream. A person or a setting in a dream can change before the dreamer’s eyes and in the dream, the dreamer will not realize that that change defies the very nature of real life and existence. In a dream, such extreme changes can seem ordinary and normal to the dreamer. Most often, the dreamer won’t even realize the changes that occurred.

It’s been a while since I’ve been keeping up with my dreams or taking any serious interest in them. If I’m not writing, I might as well be doing something productive. I was supposed to have started a dream testing group thing, but for some reason, I just never got my info packets so, I’m not in the dream group. I need to do some dream working.

Last night was interesting. I managed to stick to one dream, prolonging it or rather, much like a television series, continued going through the episodes which, unless it has happened this way before since all my dreams are recurring, I’ve managed to actually stick close to a subject for the night which is pretty damn near impossible. It’s very true that I can’t change much about my dreams. I’ve tried. And I can’t change the order in which I dream unless I remember the dreams. When my dreams are remembered, they’re skipped in the queue. It’s odd, but that’s how my dreams work.

So, here was the basis of my dream, from which I’ve woken up several times during the course of the night. I normally can’t go back to a halfway decent dream where I’m not dying or being tortured so this was pretty cool.

There’s some vampire prince and I’m at this house with not only him, but a bunch of girls and at least one other guy. Actually, I thought everyone was just normal. They all looked normal. The guy was…tall, dark, and handsome. Haha! It’s so funny because that describes a lot of the men from romance novels.

He was a pretty decent guy. Gave me some odd things/gifts that I paid no attention to. One was a pen with like…his stamp/signature/sigil/something on it. I didn’t pay any attention to the importance of it so I stuck it in a cup with lots of other odds and ends and pens. Everything was just odd if I think about it now. He was interested and I guess that was his way of showing that he was interested.

There was this one part where four of us were sitting on a couch and he was at one end and I was at the other. He had some girl he was talking to and being friendly with–a sister or a cousin, but she was related by blood (and later explained the weird gifts to me as his way of making me a princess…?). There was some guy beside me who had his arm around my shoulder and I had my arm between us to keep him at a distance because I knew how upset the other guy was going to get if he saw and misunderstood. And I was right. The vampire prince (who was totally shirtless by the way), took the guy by the shoulder and almost threw him across the room, but when he saw me pushing the guy away, he calmed down and relaxed some.

I didn’t know the vampire prince was a vampire prince until I was in a bedroom, just standing at the doorway talking to two girls and the vampire king came in and I must’ve been the only human because he looked at me and wanted to rip my arm open. I stared at him and said the baddest thing I’ve ever said in a dream. I said, “You touch me and try and drink my blood and I will burn you from the inside out.

Haha!

I must’ve gotten that from my vampire stories. But in the dream, since all my dreams were recurring dreams and I spent a great chunk of my dream life trying to escape each dream, I’ve encountered pretty much all the possible ways that things can change within a single dream. And in this one, I had a flashback memory of him attacking me and I burned him with fire from the inside out. So I was brave because I knew I could do it since I had done it before.

The vampire king actually didn’t attack me though. It also had something to do with my supernatural admirer. He wouldn’t have been too happy if I got hurt. Having a friend, any kind of friend in my dreams is worth more than anything. My dreams are not happy dreams. I’m lucky if they’re not trying their best to torture and kill me.

Dreams to me, are very interesting. They’re interesting because I’m super sheltered in my dreams and everyone in my dreamworld, even those things that hurt and harm and torture and kill me–aren’t even harmful in the least bit. My dreams hurt like a bitch, but that’s besides the point. The point is that everyone in my dreamworld has a role to play. It’s so weird. And I do dream of people I know in real life–like my parents and my family for example–but I never dream about the real person. There are people in my dream whose entire job is to imitate people I know in real life and to pretend to be them. It’s so weird to explain to someone else so they’d understand.

I have awesome best friends in my dreams whose names I don’t remember in the dream or upon waking, but I know we’ve been best friends for forever. It’s so weird to think about dreams because my dreams are indeed like the scariest cool alternate universe I’ve ever known.

There’s this guy that’s my best friend. He resembles no one I know in real life and he only exists in my dreams, but he only exists in a specific type of dream–the ones where I attend a specific school that’s kind of Japanese-esque with the bamboo window sliding doors and such.

Particular settings and particular dreams have particular people that kind of belongs in that set. It’s hard to explain. Each environmental set has a certain number of “people” or “things” or “others” populating it and they don’t cross over from one set (like a specific school for example) over to a different set (my childhood home for another example). It’s like many contained worlds within this great big whole. It’s all kind of cool and interesting.

I mostly avoid bathrooms no matter what type of dream setting I’m in. The bathrooms almost always has some kind of weird spirit/ghost problem going on. Invisible things that literally numbs my entire body with that pins and needles feeling when your limbs are asleep. It’s an odd sensation and no matter how many times I try to get used to the feeling within a dream, I often get scared and start to panic. Another way to describe that sensation is like being gnawed on by millions of invisible rats. It’s not a good feeling.

And I’m always safer outside for whatever reason because inside houses and buildings can be scary due to lights flickering out and not coming back on, lack of sight due to the darkness, and terrible evil things lurking in darkness. Because of the extent of work I do in my dreams, I often get flashbacks of the many ways I’ve tried to change a dream. If I’m about to walk into a dangerous part of town or woods, I get many flashbacks of the different ways that the dream happened the last time that I dreamed that same dream. It’s an odd, but useful method since I often don’t want to run into a pack of werewolves, get hunted by witches, have to battle vampires and dinosaurs or any number of things like flying sharks. Yes, sharks that swim in air. It’s still scary because they have huge teeth!

I am also always safer to stick to someone who likes me. Or someone I know in some way. Or someone who pretends to be one of my family members. I learned to never let anything know that I know that they’re not really my family or my friends. Things get dangerous quickly if things in my dreams are aware that I’m aware of their charade.

The one thing I love the most about my dreams is the night time sky. Whenever it’s night and I’m not being chased or scared out of my mind, I can look up at the sky and it’s like my eyes become the Hubble telescope. I see the stars in all its beautiful colors and glows and yes, I even see alien ships and planets and it’s the coolest thing ever! Normally, I’m an idiot. So even though I am fully aware of myself dreaming, I’m still snapping pictures, hoping that I can somehow transfer the images over to being manifest in the real world. Lol.

The sky can be interesting during the day too. Sometimes, there are planets floating in the sky–too far off for me to touch, but magnified somehow so I can see them. It’s the coolest science fiction setting ever.

Running is one of the things I love most about my dreams. Running and jumping. It sounds crazy, but, I can run really fast and leap over things and jump high enough to grab on to the roof of ten-story buildings and such. It’s the most amazing rush! And unfortunately, it only happens if I’m not being chased. If I have a need to run and get away, a turtle will pass me by within a minute’s time. I am that slow when it comes to trying to out run zombies or vampires or ghosties or any type of such creatures/things/people who want to hurt me.

Werewolves vary a lot in my dreams. They all don’t look like Taylor Lautner (Jacob) from Twilight. Lol. One subspecies of them are reddish brown, super stout and short, and they speak in growled voices with mouths full of sharp teeth. They have thick snouts that aren’t wolf like in any way. It looks more like Alf’s nose from that tv show, ALF. They have very short tails which is more like a vestige of the spine. They walk on all fours with short arms and legs and curved spines. They kind of do a weird bumpy jumping walk instead of walking. They have fur covered ears that are over-sized and pointed. The most important character about them is that they’re bound to vampires (a specific type, I’m sure) and they are servants to those vampires. These werewolves cannot change into a human shape. They cannot change shape at all.

Another type of werewolves in my dreams are strictly males. They’re the “Taylor Lautner” werewolves. They’re totally smoking hot and all over the age of 18. Haha!

There’s a subspecies of werewolves that are silver/grey and they’re these huge creatures that stand eight to ten feet tall with humanoid looking bodies, but they’re all wolf on super muscular legs.

There are many subspecies of werewolves that I dream about. I usually avoid them. I usually avoid everything and everyone in my dreams and for good reason: they’re dangerous!

There are also many types of vampires. Actually, none of the vampires that I have in the Turning vampire series is from my dreams (I’m glad for the most part, because there’s crazy vampires like the Streigos which resemble gargoyles and there’s the Faustians which are rotting corpses and such).

One such vampire species, the kind that controls the reddish stout werewolves, are also shapeshifters. They turn into the ugliest bald cats, all wrinkly and gross. They also possess magic. So pretty much, they’re sorcerers that are vampires. It’s weird.

Another vampire species are those that have these super large hooked noses and bald heads with greatly pointed ears. These dress pretty plain and try not to draw attention to themselves although they feed on blood and can massacre without feelings.

I’m not sure if any species of vampires in my dreams fly. I fly…by jumping. Lol. I’ll have to think about it.

I just remembered something else I love about my dreams! The creatures! The wildlife is amazing! Despite the fact that they all want to kill me for whatever reason, the animals in my dreams are ridiculously awesome. I wish I was a better artist so I can draw them perfectly because they’re wicked cool!

There are these huge stork like birds that stand as tall as a human with black bodies and their feathers are more like hairs and they have white tipped wings and these thick beaks that are hard as a rock. It’s a bit difficult to stand there and stare at how incredible everything looks when everything is trying to kill me. Lol.

Or these wild dogs that are a mix of jackals and hyenas and wolves with feline looking heads and short snouts and huge bodies! They’ve got like tufts of hair that make them seem to sport mohawks while their dark bodies have white/tan spots on the bottom half of their legs. Of course, they all make me run inside the haunted, creepy houses that I tried to stay out of, but they look incredible.

And the dinosaurs! It’s incredible. I mean, I don’t have that much time staring at a velociraptor while it’s trying to claw me, but wow, I wouldn’t have imagined their colors and the stripes and the blues and greens. It’s unreal. Not to forget to mention that T-Rex often terrorizes me in different settings. I am stupid terrified of dinosaurs! Lol.

When I actually finish writing and publishing all the other half-finished novels I’ve already started writing that are based on my dreams, everyone can actually see how incredible some of the animals and weird stuff and species and worlds are. It’s insanity! But they make for excellent books!

Take Alcone and the Rhiaddon for example. That was a dream I had about a fourteen year old boy named Alcone (the name was actually his that I heard in the dream) and he was born into a group of people called the Rhiaddon (the only other name I heard in the dream and remembered). The Rhiaddon have this special ability to see the Damned, people who have sinned and are destined for Hell. The Rhiaddon possess a special gate that is guarded by two stone guardians with two giant snakes which all usher the Damned through the gate and into hell every night. Because of an agreement between God and the devil, if a single Damned is missing, then the devil has the authority to come up through the gate and take one of the Rhiaddon as a replacement. It’s actually a very interesting and awesome story about love and life and beliefs. It’s so cool! I need to get to writing!

I feel like I make my dreams out to be pretty awesome, but, I wouldn’t wish my dreams on anyone else. They’re really nightmares in disguise. I used to sleep less than three hours a night when I was a kid because I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid to dream. And I would wake up feeling worse off than before I went to bed. It wasn’t until I got much older (and fed up), that I didn’t allow my dreams to stop me from getting a good night’s sleep  no matter how horrific the dream was. And that still stands today. I sleep well, only because I don’t allow the dreams to affect me. But within the dream is a different story. It’s an alternate universe where everything painful hurts just as much as if it’s real.

Since it’s been a while since I’ve kept a dream journal or done anything concerning my dreams, I’m going to start keeping a dream journal. A sort of dream diary experiment. I am still looking forward to changing my dreams. And I am still looking forward to having completely brand new dreams I haven’t dreamed before (since all my dreams are recurring dreams).

Every night, I will aim to try and dream about a certain topic or dream a certain way and see how that comes along.

Tonight, I will try to dream about vampires and see if I can tap into the world of Marisa and the Arromanovokzjas since they don’t exist in my dream world. I’ll try to keep track of date and time and I’ll also try to use lucidity tricks such as flickering lights, bathrooms, going through mirrors, and spinning which will help me with realizing that I am dreaming and also to change the dream. Anyone else who wants to try and dream about Marisa and her brothers and their world, please let me know how well you succeeded in the comments! I’ll be so excited if someone gets there!

Goodnight! ^_^

 
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Posted by on June 25, 2014 in Diary, Dream Diary

 

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Illusions

I got a message from a friend today that had me thinking about a lot of things. Not sure how to put it down in words because it’s not anything bad, it’s that we’re all just different in our likes and dislikes and beliefs and stuff. And it’s not just that certain friend, it’s everyone. It’s about who we are and how we are.

I have another friend who pretty much wants me to accept him for how he is: mean, grumpy, somewhat unsatisfied with life, but it’s a double standard when he expects me to be and act a certain way. It’s worse when I care enough to try and compromise because friendship isn’t about changing who you are for someone else. I’m about to be sexist for a moment. It’s like the differences in men and women in relationships. You don’t often see any guy with a less than attractive girl. But you will often see an attractive girl totally in love with a not so desirable man.

I have friends who aren’t even really friends. I have a friend on Facebook who used to steal from me and my friends and twist our words to each other so that everyone would always be in constant battle with one another. I think the fact that she now lives at least half a dozen states away helps with us still having each other in “friend” reference just in case. If she needed help, would I ever help her? Yes. Would she do the same things again? More than likely. Am I stupid for keeping her around?  Probably so.

I haven’t even been a good friend to my friends. I hardly talk to anyone, I don’t participate in anything, and I’m awful at writing people.

Life would be easier if it was like in books and movies. I’d have a better time adjusting to my own characters’ lives instead of the one I live. If I spent less time avoiding certain things and more time focusing on turning all of this into an awesome adventure/fantasy, I’d be the most powerful wizard in all the wizardry world of Harry Potter! *hahaha* What’s funnier is how there’s some truth to that. I really do enjoy the Harry Potter movies.

Books and movies follow real life, and not the other way around. Even in complete absurd fantastic tales of weirdness and madness, real life intervenes because we as people, know only as much as ourselves. That’s because we are only ourselves. Who else could we be?

While it’s true that we could be some Spanish inquisitor during the 1500’s, a Wallachian prince during the 1400’s, travel the known seas in the 1300’s with a bunch of sweaty men and no indoor plumbing, conquer China in the 1200’s, and be a part of the Crusade in the 1100’s–we as human beings have a collective consciousness in a way. Our stories follow our lives. Our gods and goddesses are given human characteristics and emotions. No matter what time period we belong to or what life we’ve lived and are living now–we’re all people. We can’t escape that. We all still strive for fairly the same things–some, more than others and some, to more extremes than others. We all have the same basic needs: love, attention, belonging, appreciation…we’re all just humans. Most of us.

I don’t know. I’m not the dark and brooding type. Neither am I the happy and ignorantly blissful type. I’m just me–extremely weird and not very interesting. And my stories are a bit insane because I am. It’s what I can relate to. So yes, insanity and madness aren’t strangers to me or my life. I just don’t speak a lot about that part because it would scare some people and disgust others and get me those crazy she-should-be-locked-up-in-a-padded-room kind of looks.

As Curtis Armstrong says in TBS’ King of the Nerds, “nothing is nerdier than getting picked last”. The point of that saying isn’t getting picked last, it’s not belonging with the rest and all human beings have felt that way at least once in their lives–like they didn’t belong.

No wonder then why cults are so popular. It’s not about the charismatic speaker or the strict rules or the strange rituals. It’s about belonging somewhere where you matter, even if the part where you matter is only an illusion.

A long time ago, when I was part of a group called Project X, a friend dedicated this song to me. It was a great likeness to who I was, to who we all were, because we at PX, didn’t belong anywhere. We were a cult in a way, because we were like family. We were always together for the longest time. Fifteen years come my birthday in November. It was a few short days after my sixteenth birthday that I happened upon PX. What I missed most was having people who understood me no matter how crazy and foolish I sounded.

VNV Nation’s Illusion and Andy Huang’s Dollface

“Illusion”

I know it’s hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don’t want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you’re human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand. Please, don’t cry now

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate;
For all the hurt that you feel,
The world is just illusion, trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That’s not what I believe, and it doesn’t matter anyway
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, but I’m still not sure
But what I do know, is to us the world is different
As we are to the world but I guess you would know that

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change;
For all the hurt that you feel,
This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change;
For all the hurt that you feel,
This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

All my stories aren’t actually about belonging somewhere. The vampire series, yes. Marisa wants a family and she’ll do anything to keep the family she has, even if she has to suffer for them. Other stories, not so. But every story has some truth about basic human needs. Every story, including the vampire series, has to have love in it in one form or another. Love is the most basic desire of not only human beings, but every creature that has life on this planet. Even plants die without love. Don’t believe me? Try an experiment. Buy a plant. Buy two of the same plants. Take care of one. Neglect the other. One will wither and die. Every living thing needs love and every human being needs love.

There is a world, invisible to most. And even them there, they need love. I haven’t quite figured out if that’s just how it is, or if they’re all just playing on human sympathies. I guess I’m lucky in that I am safe. I have always been safe–safe enough that I haven’t personally come across all the things that have proven to be harmful for this reality.

For a Christian, I walk a very fine line in what I believe and how I have to handle my life. My past helps me to relate to others, but I find most Christians less than concerned about their own salvation while trying to save others. It’s a bit amusing, coming from me, but then again, I don’t pretend I’m going up when I’m going down. I’m actually not a very good person. And I’m really mean to Christians–for their own good, of course. I’m not a good person and I often reiterate that. People tend to feel surprised or betrayed when I am less than ideal. I’ve already told you so. You were just lying to yourself.

Which reminds me, I do need to write a certain church lady. And I have two letters to write to people I don’t even talk to, but people who need a friend. I don’t strive to matter in people’s lives. I strive to be a better person than the one that I am right now. And I strive for people’s lives to matter. How do I manage that last one? I don’t even know. It’s what I hope for.

And if I, being completely human, can blend in this much when I don’t belong, imagine all the other things blending in right now that truly don’t belong.

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2014 in Diary

 

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