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How the Mid-Season Finale of Supernatural Made Me Cry

For anyone who has kept up with the tv series, Supernatural, the story of Sam and Dean has spanned eleven seasons. We’ve seen the boys hunt monsters and save people. We’ve seen the hell the boys have been through from not being able to save the people they set out to help to losing the people they love. And all the while, there was this hope that there was an endgame, that everything will be ok.

There are spoilers, so if someone’s not caught up to date or anything, please don’t read forward. If you do continue reading, consider yourself duly warned.

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Sam had been having visions from God every time he prayed. There was even a burning bush, like in the Bible. The visions were telling him that he had to return to the cage with Lucifer. And once there, he would find the answer to getting rid of the Darkness. Sam and Dean screwed up even bigger than normal. They let the Darkness out and now, she’s collecting the souls of mankind and growing stronger with each intake. Sam holds on to the hope that God is still here, that God is still watching and more importantly, that God still cares.

During the mid-season finale, Sam teams up with the King of Hell, Crowley, and his witch mother, Rowena, in a desperate move to call up Lucifer from the cage. Lucifer would know how God locked up the Darkness to begin with. Things obviously went wrong and Lucifer traps Sam in the cage with him. Rowena’s wards on the cage had worn off or something so Lucifer took Sam and wants to test out Sam’s meat suit – to possess him and walk the earth.

Sam still held on to the hope that God had a plan, that God was leading Sam to Lucifer’s cage, and that he was ready to do anything to save billions of lives, even to go back and stay in that cage forever. With Sam in the cage and Rowena’s wards no longer effective, Lucifer taunts Sam with the truth.

Lucifer: “Hey, Sam Winchester, you miss me? I bet you did.” [ Inhales deeply, exhales slowly ] “I have to say, you’re — you’re extraordinarily calm given the circumstances.”

Sam: “It’s pretty much exactly how God told me it was gonna be. Guess I just have to go with it and play my hand.”

Lucifer: [ Clicks tongue ] “And that would make so much sense if it was God that was doing the talking. You see, Sam, when the Darkness descended, the impact on Hell was massive. The cage was damaged. Through the fissures, I was able to reach out. It wasn’t God inside your head, Sam. It was me. So you see, he’s not with you. He’s never been with you. It was always just Me.”

I don’t know to how many people those words hit home. It hit real life. It hit our lives. “It wasn’t God inside your head. It was me. So you see, he’s not with you. He’s never been with you. It was always just me.” For me, those words summed up my entire life, even to today, and even to right now. It was never God inside my head. He’s not with me. He’s never been.

When I was incarcerated, I had a friend named Rachel. They took her mother to the segregated housing unit, the SHU, and every day at lunch, she would go jump on the the window sill to knock on the glass and talk to her mom. The first time was insane because she had to scream and figure out which cell her mom was in. And I worried she’d get caught and get thrown in there as well. So every day I would pray that she never got caught. Talking to people in the SHU wasn’t allowed. You get thrown in the SHU far away from whoever it was that you wanted to speak with. It was a spectacle at lunch every day for two weeks before they shipped her mom off and she never once got caught. And one day, I told her about how much I prayed that she wasn’t caught so she didn’t have to spend time in there. I told her that my prayers were answered because she never got into trouble for disobeying the rules. However, at the end of that conversation, I said to her that, “If all my prayers were answered the way I wanted them to be answered, then it may not have been God who answered them.” And I didn’t understand why I said that. I was always just a strange one. But it makes sense now. If all your prayers are always answered, it isn’t always God who is answering your prayers. And that’s exactly what Lucifer revealed to Sam.

I’m sitting here, alone in the dark, dog sitting my sister’s three dogs while she’s away for the weekend. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m terrified of dead things. And I have a strange phobia of zombies. It seems silly that I have so many fears, but I just finished watching a really bad movie on what I thought was going to be an exorcism. It was more or less, a botched production full of incredible actors. So am I still not afraid?

Fear comes and goes. I’ve really been with the dark for so long that I’m not even sure what I would be afraid of anymore. They’re just normal, every day things to me now. Sure, I can scare myself, think about something creepy hiding in a dark corner somewhere, but for the most part, I’m a bit beyond being afraid. It’s almost this strange familiarity, like family, and how you could have a horrific and violent family, but that part is irrelevant because it’s family.

Where is God?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but only for myself. I don’t have playtime with the dark and dark things because I actually like that kind of stuff or because I enjoy those kinds of things. It’s so easy to be wicked, to be mean and terrible to others, to plot evil and abuse everyone. Is that what I want, what I am? No. Somewhere, there’s a child that takes a step into the dark, unable to reach the light because they’re not tall enough, but walking forward and deeper into darkness, they can’t see anything behind them. Are their parents still right there following them? Why can’t a grown up just reach up and turn on the light? Why is it so dark? What’s the point of tripping over things in the darkness, of getting lost and scared and being lonely? Walk long enough, and eventually, you realize there’s no one behind you. No one following you. God is supposed to be everywhere. And still, He’s nowhere to be found.

Do you see me if I cut myself a hundred times? Can you hear me if I scream your name in your holy temple until my voice is gone? Will you see me if I cover your alter in the blood of your faithful followers? What can I do to get your attention? What can I do to have you take notice and answer me?

What are these feelings? All this destruction. Is it hatred? Is it malice? Is it anger? Is it jealousy? Is it vengeance? No. It’s pain. Pure and simple, it’s pain. People in pain. People wanting and hoping for something greater than themselves, and then coming to find out like Sam that there was never any hope. It didn’t exist. Sure, God exists, but He was never with us. He’s not with us. And that’s the saddest thing of all, to hope and see that that hope was nothing. That there was nothing.

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Illusions

I got a message from a friend today that had me thinking about a lot of things. Not sure how to put it down in words because it’s not anything bad, it’s that we’re all just different in our likes and dislikes and beliefs and stuff. And it’s not just that certain friend, it’s everyone. It’s about who we are and how we are.

I have another friend who pretty much wants me to accept him for how he is: mean, grumpy, somewhat unsatisfied with life, but it’s a double standard when he expects me to be and act a certain way. It’s worse when I care enough to try and compromise because friendship isn’t about changing who you are for someone else. I’m about to be sexist for a moment. It’s like the differences in men and women in relationships. You don’t often see any guy with a less than attractive girl. But you will often see an attractive girl totally in love with a not so desirable man.

I have friends who aren’t even really friends. I have a friend on Facebook who used to steal from me and my friends and twist our words to each other so that everyone would always be in constant battle with one another. I think the fact that she now lives at least half a dozen states away helps with us still having each other in “friend” reference just in case. If she needed help, would I ever help her? Yes. Would she do the same things again? More than likely. Am I stupid for keeping her around?  Probably so.

I haven’t even been a good friend to my friends. I hardly talk to anyone, I don’t participate in anything, and I’m awful at writing people.

Life would be easier if it was like in books and movies. I’d have a better time adjusting to my own characters’ lives instead of the one I live. If I spent less time avoiding certain things and more time focusing on turning all of this into an awesome adventure/fantasy, I’d be the most powerful wizard in all the wizardry world of Harry Potter! *hahaha* What’s funnier is how there’s some truth to that. I really do enjoy the Harry Potter movies.

Books and movies follow real life, and not the other way around. Even in complete absurd fantastic tales of weirdness and madness, real life intervenes because we as people, know only as much as ourselves. That’s because we are only ourselves. Who else could we be?

While it’s true that we could be some Spanish inquisitor during the 1500’s, a Wallachian prince during the 1400’s, travel the known seas in the 1300’s with a bunch of sweaty men and no indoor plumbing, conquer China in the 1200’s, and be a part of the Crusade in the 1100’s–we as human beings have a collective consciousness in a way. Our stories follow our lives. Our gods and goddesses are given human characteristics and emotions. No matter what time period we belong to or what life we’ve lived and are living now–we’re all people. We can’t escape that. We all still strive for fairly the same things–some, more than others and some, to more extremes than others. We all have the same basic needs: love, attention, belonging, appreciation…we’re all just humans. Most of us.

I don’t know. I’m not the dark and brooding type. Neither am I the happy and ignorantly blissful type. I’m just me–extremely weird and not very interesting. And my stories are a bit insane because I am. It’s what I can relate to. So yes, insanity and madness aren’t strangers to me or my life. I just don’t speak a lot about that part because it would scare some people and disgust others and get me those crazy she-should-be-locked-up-in-a-padded-room kind of looks.

As Curtis Armstrong says in TBS’ King of the Nerds, “nothing is nerdier than getting picked last”. The point of that saying isn’t getting picked last, it’s not belonging with the rest and all human beings have felt that way at least once in their lives–like they didn’t belong.

No wonder then why cults are so popular. It’s not about the charismatic speaker or the strict rules or the strange rituals. It’s about belonging somewhere where you matter, even if the part where you matter is only an illusion.

A long time ago, when I was part of a group called Project X, a friend dedicated this song to me. It was a great likeness to who I was, to who we all were, because we at PX, didn’t belong anywhere. We were a cult in a way, because we were like family. We were always together for the longest time. Fifteen years come my birthday in November. It was a few short days after my sixteenth birthday that I happened upon PX. What I missed most was having people who understood me no matter how crazy and foolish I sounded.

VNV Nation’s Illusion and Andy Huang’s Dollface

“Illusion”

I know it’s hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don’t want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you’re human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand. Please, don’t cry now

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate;
For all the hurt that you feel,
The world is just illusion, trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That’s not what I believe, and it doesn’t matter anyway
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, but I’m still not sure
But what I do know, is to us the world is different
As we are to the world but I guess you would know that

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change;
For all the hurt that you feel,
This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change;
For all the hurt that you feel,
This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

All my stories aren’t actually about belonging somewhere. The vampire series, yes. Marisa wants a family and she’ll do anything to keep the family she has, even if she has to suffer for them. Other stories, not so. But every story has some truth about basic human needs. Every story, including the vampire series, has to have love in it in one form or another. Love is the most basic desire of not only human beings, but every creature that has life on this planet. Even plants die without love. Don’t believe me? Try an experiment. Buy a plant. Buy two of the same plants. Take care of one. Neglect the other. One will wither and die. Every living thing needs love and every human being needs love.

There is a world, invisible to most. And even them there, they need love. I haven’t quite figured out if that’s just how it is, or if they’re all just playing on human sympathies. I guess I’m lucky in that I am safe. I have always been safe–safe enough that I haven’t personally come across all the things that have proven to be harmful for this reality.

For a Christian, I walk a very fine line in what I believe and how I have to handle my life. My past helps me to relate to others, but I find most Christians less than concerned about their own salvation while trying to save others. It’s a bit amusing, coming from me, but then again, I don’t pretend I’m going up when I’m going down. I’m actually not a very good person. And I’m really mean to Christians–for their own good, of course. I’m not a good person and I often reiterate that. People tend to feel surprised or betrayed when I am less than ideal. I’ve already told you so. You were just lying to yourself.

Which reminds me, I do need to write a certain church lady. And I have two letters to write to people I don’t even talk to, but people who need a friend. I don’t strive to matter in people’s lives. I strive to be a better person than the one that I am right now. And I strive for people’s lives to matter. How do I manage that last one? I don’t even know. It’s what I hope for.

And if I, being completely human, can blend in this much when I don’t belong, imagine all the other things blending in right now that truly don’t belong.

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2014 in Diary

 

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Demon Knight

When I was a little girl, I used to stay up real late and watch Tales from the Crypt. Back then, I watched all sorts of scary things like Faces of Death, Tales from the DarkSide, and The Outer Limits. For someone who had nightmares and was too afraid to sleep, it sounds crazy that I would scare myself even more. But nothing was as frightening as my dreams and perhaps back then, watching something terrifying was my way of preparing myself for what little sleep I did get.

It had been a long time since I watched the movie, Demon Knight. It’s about demons and the blood of Christ used to seal the doors and windows to keep them out. Here’s the Youtube trailer link.

What’s interesting is that I just watched Splice yesterday. The demons in Demon Knight that gets called up, has the same exact leg curvature that the creature in Splice does. I didn’t realize I’d be watching related films. ^_^

Anyhow, they’re both decent movies with very interesting ideas and concepts–one scientific and one religious. I can’t say which is the truer one, because in my experience, both are real.

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2014 in Movies

 

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Splice and Some Other Thoughts

I just finished watching the science fiction film Splice. It was fairly good, although, having wanted to be a scientist ever since I was little (and planning human genome splicing in the wild imaginations of my own mind being both a writer and a curious nerd), I wanted to comment a bit on the science behind the film. But first, here is the link to the Youtube trailer:

Genetic engineering is a field that is reserved only for those with the highest of degrees and honors and all of that groovy awesome stuff. Now, I am not a doctor and I cannot give any sort of medical advice (this is called a disclaimer, by the way–it’s required that I have this in the case of some person running off and trying something I said and then wanting to blame me for their failure).  I am not a physician and cannot recommend any sort of treatment. I am however, an author and a very creative individual so what I say will have to do much less with realism and more with the imagination. So let me finish the disclaimer really quickly. All information written thereon and in this post and on this website in its entirety or in part is based solely and entirely on my opinions and is not a substitute for real medical advice or treatment and is used for entertainment purposes only. If you have a problem or any questions regarding medicine, genetics, genetic engineering, any of the vast subsections categorized under “science” and/or “technology”…wait. Why am I doing this? It’s not like I’m going to teach anyone how to strip specific genes and create monsters. So let’s just move on. ^_^

It’s 2 am. Forget science. I’m sleeping first. Night!

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2014 in Movies

 

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