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Do We Automatically Go to Heaven if We’re Poor?

I’m not understanding this. I’m not understanding a lot of things lately. This faith thing has been rolling around in my head for a while now, enough to make me want to find out what the truth is. Do we automatically go to heaven if we’re poor? Apparently, that’s what the Bible is saying.

Take the story of the rich man and the poor man that Jesus tells in Luke 16:19-31, KJV.

19 There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
20 And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
21 And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
22 And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;
23 And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
24 And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
25 But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.
26 And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.
27 Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father’s house:
28 For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.
29 Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.
30 And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.
31 And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.

There’s not enough information here to conclude anything except that Lazarus was poor and the rich man was rich. So being poor, I can only presume that Lazarus hoped for good things. And if we, being poor, hope for good things, are we guaranteed those good things after death like Lazarus? I’m confused. Does this mean that everyone who hoped for a savior, who hoped that someone would come save them from the miserable wretched life that they now live…will all those people go to heaven?

It is said that after Jesus Christ has died and risen, that we are to believe He is the savior. And if so, being that people long ago, hoping for someone to save them, who didn’t know of Jesus, but who hope anyways for salvation, if that hope is being counted for them as belief in Christ, our Savior, then why is it now that people who hope for a savior, can’t be saved if that savior isn’t Jesus? How is it that those people back then, who hoped to an invisible God, could be saved because that invisible God is automatically the Christian God, and yet, people have hoped and prayed and spoken in secret their heart’s wishes and desires and their worries and fears and that invisible God is automatically the wrong God?

My mother, who believes that heaven and hell doesn’t exist, and that if she is a good person, mainly good to others, then that makes her a good person regardless and that that goodness would be enough. There are many people who think the same way, that if we are kind and good in life and that if we treat others the way that we wanted to be treated, then our afterlives would be good because we are good. My mother isn’t buying her way into heaven. She doesn’t even believe in heaven. She simply believes that good begets good and bad begets bad. And isn’t that what we are taught in from the Bible? That a good tree will produce good fruits, but a wicked tree would produce bad fruit. So how is this any different from what the Bible does teach?

I’ve come to the realization that there is no salvation for one. Lazarus being poor and needy and having a hard life, was granted heaven in Abraham’s bosom. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because Lazarus believed in Jesus. It seemed more that Lazarus was of the lineage of Abraham, and that faith wasn’t mentioned at all as a prerequisite for his salvation. For it was mentioned that salvation belonged to the Jews, and only after Paul was sent to preach to the world, that salvation was given to the whole world because the Jews denied their God and did not want any part in his Christ. Was it then that the rest of us are only an after thought? While many Christians argue that God, all knowing, had included the rest of us in his plan, it’s not as convincing to everyone who doesn’t like the simple fact that they weren’t good enough to be a part of that plan to begin with.

Imagine it as a single parent family, as God being a father, who raising twenty kids, decides to favorite one, and love five. That favorite one, is Jesus. And those five, are the Jews. What happens to the other fourteen children? How do they feel when daddy makes them eat after the others, makes them walk behind the others, and essentially, tell them that they’re not good enough to get Christmas presents? But wait, because the other five children were so spoiled and so loved by daddy that they didn’t want their toys on Christmas, daddy gets mad and gives those toys to the rest of the little boys and little girls who didn’t get any to begin with. For children who was denied the same love and same treatment and same privilege as their siblings, those presents were everything to them. Daddy loves them. Daddy gave them gifts. And when they grew up, they realized, that if daddy hadn’t loved the others so much that when the others rebelled and didn’t want the presents with their names on it, then they would’ve never gotten anything from daddy at all. And how then do those fourteen children feel, all grown up with the truth that their daddy didn’t love them? Their daddy loved their siblings and because their siblings refused that love, only then, out of wrath and anger, and out of trying to make their siblings jealous, did their daddy finally showed them a bit of love. How does that make them feel good about themselves, about how it’s said that their daddy loves them so much that he did everything for them, when in truth, their daddy was just someone whose love was unrequited and in an act of anger, he only loved those he never loved in order to make the ones he did love, fill with jealousy and turn back to him? Those fourteen children would feel confused and angry and cheated and betrayed. Their daddy never loved them. He showed them love because he wanted to make their siblings jealous. How is that a good father? And how is it love when their daddy’s only intention was to make his chosen ones jealous? It sounds spiteful and horrible.

Paul has said that, salvation came to the Gentiles only because the Jews refused the free gift of eternal life by God. Romans 11:11 KJV said, and this is Paul speaking about the Jews:

I say then, Have they stumbled that they should fall? God forbid: but rather through their fall salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them to jealousy.

“…for to provoke them to jealousy.”

The entire purpose of salvation for the Gentiles was to anger the Jews to jealousy.

Take a love relationship for example. Imagine it as a man who loves a woman and does her bidding and provides for her and takes care of every single need and desire she has. And when that woman starts rejecting that man and no longer wants his love and affection, and takes upon herself many other lovers, that man goes out and seeks a lover, anyone would do, in order to provoke her to jealousy that she may return to him. But what of his other lover? He doesn’t love her. He’s using her to make his love jealous so that she’d come home.

We are but an after thought in the mind of God to make the ones he loves jealous so that they’d return to him. How is that love at all? It’s not. It’s not love. Not one single minute of being mind raped and manipulated that we are indeed loved and precious.

If Lazarus, who being poor, wasn’t of the lineage of Abraham, and the rich man, being rich and plentiful, was of the lineage of Abraham, would this story have been told a different way? For there is no mention of faith. There is no mention of belief. There is only the mention that Lazarus was in Abraham’s bosom, an implication that Lazarus was of the line of Abraham. Does faith and belief even matter then? Or is the only thing that does matter is who we can trace our ancestors to?

Salvation itself isn’t for one. We can, as individuals, believe in Christ and accept Jesus as our savior. And we’re saved, right? Unfortunately, that’s not the case. It should be that simple for a free gift, but nothing is free without strings attached. In order to be saved, you have to believe that Jesus, who is God, was born a man, lived for 33 years, was crucified and died for your sins, was risen three days later, and is now sitting at the right hand of God until the day of his return. Now, you have to accept that Jesus died for your sins personally, because the wages of sin is death, and if Jesus died your death, then you won’t have to die a second death, which is odd because you have to die a mortal death anyhow. And after that, you have to get baptized and be reborn again. And after that, you have to go spread the good news and tell how Jesus has changed your life. And after telling people about Christ, you have to also try and convert them. And the ones that don’t want to listen, you simply ignore them and move on to people who do want to listen and who do want to be converted. And not only that, you must now try to be as much like Jesus as you can. That means compassionate and helping and performing miracles and exorcising demons and raising people from the dead, turning water into wine. Lots of works. So these souls that you’ve convinced and won for Jesus, they will be added to you as a crown. And as it says nothing about the people who didn’t convert a single soul getting a crown, it’s safe to imply that they won’t have crowns. So even in heaven, there’s this hierarchy of people who won souls and people who haven’t and they’ll be distinguished by the crowns that they’re wearing. Now, as if that isn’t a cause for discrimination in heaven, from a God to whom all sin is equal, then surely there should be no distinction in heaven between Jews and Gentiles, between those who has converted souls and those who barely converted themselves. Even the angels have rank, and believe that in heaven, everyone saved also will have rank. Again it will be, daddy loves who he loves the most.

I don’t know. I’m tired of thinking. I don’t want to think about this anymore.

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Posted by on September 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Salvation and How it’s Not Merely a Christian Thing

Thanks to my good friend John, this journal entry is for you. ^_^

Last night, I discovered the truth about Rebecca Brown MD, author of He Came to Set the Captives Free and Prepare For War. It was disheartening because I believed what I read some odd six years ago when I was given a copy of the late 80’s published books to read.

He Came to Set the Captives Free and Prepare for War recounted the story of how Rebecca Brown, a doctor then, met with Elaine, a satanist and proclaimed bride of Satan, and saved her from the clutches of the wicked one.

My thoughts are pretty much said down below on a status post on Facebook which is below with permission from John for his comments.

Xao Thao feeling disappointed
10 hrs ·

I don’t think I can name one christian living today that is actually a real christian. It’s sad. All the things I believed in were simply exaggerated lies told by people with problems, much like myself. We all need help, but God, don’t offer it to people when you can’t fix yourself.

  • John Behrent Don’t try to be a good Christian, just try to be a good person.
    5 hrs · Unlike · 1
  • Xao Thao That defeats the whole point for me, John. However, I’ll keep trying as I go. I know I’m very far from anywhere “good”.

     

  • John Behrent Well, it may be time to look for a different point, then. Life’s all about change. We often get led in directions we don’t expect.
    2 hrs · Unlike · 1
  • Xao Thao Mortal men cannot corrupt what is holy. I like my God. Thanks.
  • John Behrent Change isn’t always about corruption. Just take it from someone who’s walked a lot of strange roads, noone can see all ends. And if your God can, he’s not giving out spoilers.
    2 hrs · Unlike · 1
  • Xao Thao It’s not about change. It’s about having something tangible to hold on to. When you don’t have anything physically real you can point to or hold on to, then it’s all about faith and believing in the impossible.I read two very old books by a Rebecca Brown MD called, “He Came to Set the Captives Free” and “Prepare for War”. They’re Christian books published in the late 80’s detailing how Rebecca Brown met and saved a “Bride of Satan” named Elaine. Satanists, as I know now instead of from back then, is a lot watered down, which probably made me believe the books even more because way back in history, people were much, much more intertwined with their faiths no matter what that faith was. You had sacrifices. I mean, seriously, no one does that anymore…to an extent. But that’s what I meant, people were passionate back then and they showed that passion through actions.Anyhow, those books were a foundation on a belief I held for a very long time, the belief that not all the lost were damned forever. Granted, I know I’m not any different from any pagan or occultist or wiccan or satanist because I know my faults and I know why I continue to sin, but there was hope that somewhere along the way, if one person could be saved through this whole event, it would be worth dying and being damned myself right now for that one person.I know that probably doesn’t even make a lot of sense, but I believed there was a reason why I I know what I know and that that knowledge could one day help someone which makes it all worth the while. Rebecca and Elaine were like me and my friend Keera. We were both delusional in our fantasies of a world beyond whichever one there was and while she lived it in her dreams, I lived it while awake because I was weird and I did weird things like that. Rebecca abused Elaine plenty, being a doctor who no longer is a doctor now, but much of their testimonies were simple fantasies created by the both of them, and oddly enough, there’s some homosexuality that comes into light in their real lives. While me and Keera didn’t spread our madness beyond ourselves, we were still mad, and for a good long while too. That was like a decade of my life there.

    There were people in my life I truly believed God wanted me to help and I did as much as I could. I remember telling someone once, “when God answers all your prayers, you can be sure that it’s God anymore”. And even with that, I held on to the belief that people were worth saving for. That is was quality over quantity. But the fact is, we all suck. We’re all the same. So what good is quality when it isn’t there to be found? There is no one person greater than the next and no one person who is much more worthy of being saved than the next. The only thing that distinguishes someone saved from someone unsaved, is that the saved person said yes to Jesus Christ. Albeit, that yes could simply just be a lie in itself as well.

    I don’t know anymore, but I do know that I’ve been everywhere else and nothing filled the empty hole inside of me. It is Christ who saved me and I’m happy with Him whether I understand anything or not. I simply wanted to see Christ in the world too, but that’s pretty much impossible.

  • Xao Thao This needs to be a journal entry.
  • John Behrent Xao, be attentive and you’ll realize that LIFE is about change.
  • Xao Thao I do change, John. I change every day. Change, however, doesn’t mean being indecisive and running after the first thing that excites you when your truths no longer work for you. Faith, to me, isn’t a fleeting fancy that I chase after anymore whenever it suits my whim. I used to do that when I was empty. I used to try and find things to fill that vast abyssal emptiness inside. I’m okay now. I’m not empty. I’m merely just a bit disappointed in myself and in humanity as a whole. And yet, I know there are still people worth saving, even those who don’t believe they can be saved. You don’t have to be a Christian to want salvation. Some simply want to be saved from the monsters that they are.
  • John Behrent That’s an interesting view of it all. Might be the start of a really insightful blog.
  • Xao Thao It is! And it’s dedicated to you! With that being said, this is all going in my blog if you have no objections. I’m always good for debates.
  • John Behrent No, that’s fine. Go ahead.
  • Xao Thao You’re awesome! Thanks!
  • John Behrent I just try to make my little corner of the world a little brighter. If I sometimes challenge all the God talk, it’s just in the name of spirited debate to encourage thought, not rudeness.
  • Xao Thao I’m abnormal. Rudeness is making fun of someone or bullying them, not questioning someone’s belief and trying to understand them or trying to make them understand that they know why they believe. I find it interesting that most people don’t even have a clue as to why they follow a certain faith. It’s kind of sad really. Just sheep to the slaughter. It’s always good to encourage thought, whether for your benefit or someone else’s.

What is very interesting is that near the end of this conversation on Facebook, I commented that salvation isn’t only for Christians, that some want to save themselves from the horrors that they are. It makes for a good blog entry, and it’s true. Salvation isn’t simply a Christian thing. Everyone wants to be saved in some way, shape, or form.

I’ll write a different post about it later. I’m about to be very busy. Later.

 

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2014 in Book Reviews, Diary

 

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The Reality of Watchers and Guardians and Everything Else in Between

For people who don’t know, I live a rather crazy fantasy life, one not really of my own choosing, but one that kind of just fell on me. I’m thankful that’s not literal.

I don’t indulge in the whole supernatural/new age/occultic/paranormal thing. I actually avoid it all unless there’s pressing matters that requires I must absolutely do something and can’t ignore. Today, I want to talk a bit about my weirdness and the things in it.

My crazy recurring dreams was the gateway drug into the madness for me. It’s common for people to have one or a few recurring dreams. All my dreams are recurring dreams. And that’s not normal. I was always afraid to sleep. And it wasn’t just the dreams. In waking life, I was immersed in an invisible world from as far back as I can remember, one where even my parents who were shamans (and still are), couldn’t understand and relate to. Apparently, the things I’ve experienced, aren’t normal to them either (shamans communicate with spirits). It made me feel more alone than ever. And in my quest to fit in somewhere–between the world of the living and the world of the invisible, I started to try and understand what was happening to me and why.

When I met Keera (whose name is actually spelled, Ke’era), I never knew she’d enlighten me a bit about my dreams and introduce me to hers, a world I called the Otherworld, and of the inhabitants who live there who have been in my dreams as well.

We were good friends. I thought we were. She thought I wanted them, that world and those things there. I didn’t live there. I was alive here. And I wanted to fit in here somewhere. It felt so good to have someone who would understand what I was talking about who wouldn’t look at me like I was crazy and who could actually say, “yeah, his name is Charlie”. For all the mistakes we’ve made in our friendship, she was my best friend for a long time. I don’t know where she is now or what has happened to her. I dream about her sometimes, but like in real life, she’s never there.

The Otherworld is a place that exists. I don’t know where specifically. I wrote our story–mine, actually, or whatever the thing there that looks like me and takes my name’s story. The woman with the long black hair.

For a while, Keera and I didn’t have names for them. They were named what we saw them as: the man with the ponytail; the demon; the woman with the red hair; the cursed man; the man with the green eyes; the short creatures; the lady who lived in the lake; etc. As we got more involved in that world and in them, we were able to know their names. Sometimes, they’d have normal names. Other times, their names were so creative, it sounded made up. Domonico/Demonico; Anna; Ameggo; Deltro Clearstone; Lorenzo; Charlie; Charly; Will; Maeroleez; Stephen; Carmelia; and of course, me and Keera.

How do you communicate with a world that isn’t here where voices are whispers on the wind and the entire world seems to exist within your own head? Keera and I used to call the Otherworld (she called it the OtherPlace) a shared delusion between us. It was shared schizophrenia and in a lot of ways, that was definitely it. I could infect her world and change it. And in the end, I ruined what was once a beautiful and happy and calm place for her by knowing its existence, by being a part of it.

Things got darker. And more terrifying. What used to be a quiet day relaxing in the trees for Keera in her dreams became nightmares, trying to run away from Mr. Gray, the cursed man. They became dreams of being locked up in mental institutions and having bombs strapped to the backs of others, having heads blown off with guns. And the violence increased.

I’m sure that if she could take it all back–letting me in and letting me know about her secret place–she would. Just like I would’ve taken it all back for the five years I was obsessed with finding myself and that place being a clue and what seemed like a lifetime wasted. Keera and I both have our regrets, about that world, about each other, about our past. But what’s done is done. All we can do now is to pick up the pieces and move on.

Demonico haunts me. I call him my best friend, because I can’t get rid of him. Right now, we’re not really on speaking terms. I’m actually not on speaking terms to any of them from that place, from that world. When I need him, he’s here. I guess that’s what counts. It’s a long story, one that spanned three books and I shortened to two: Beyond the Gates: Otherworld and Beyond the Gates: Darkworld.

I don’t really know what Demonico or any of the others would classify as. I call them all Watchers. Being a Christian, there’s a lot of blasphemy in my life, but aside from that, there’s also a lot of valuable insight.

What is a Watcher? In the world of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, a watcher is someone who guides and teaches the slayer in her job and duties. A Watcher is sort of the same thing. Many people have said that Watchers were once the fallen angels who came to earth and watched over the world of man, who took mortal women for wives and taught them magic and such things that mankind didn’t know of. In essence, both are true. A Watcher guides. A Watcher is a fallen angel. A Watcher teaches mankind magic. A Watcher is a nicer name than demon. Demons are fallen angels as well. So Demonico, whose name was once spelled Domonico, is actually in fact, a demon.

Contrary to popular belief, demons aren’t always the nasty, horrible smelling, violence feeding, murderous entities that they’re depicted in movies and television and books. Nope. Most demons are in fact, rather useful, rather truthful (to an extent for their own benefits), and rather nice. Yeah, I said it. They’re rather nice as in character wise kindness. After all, being mean and evil and murderous isn’t exactly a popular decision if their main purpose isn’t to kill, but to damn forever so they wouldn’t be alone when all that wonderful Judgement Day thing comes. Point is, it doesn’t matter what religion you are or what you believe in. Watchers, demons, guardians (yes, they have many names), and pretty much the majority of the invisible world exist whether you want to believe that they are real or not. Your acceptance of their existence isn’t needed for them to exist. They are here whether anyone believes or not. They have always been here.

Demonico wasn’t the first and he surely wasn’t the last in the multitude of weird things I attract. Why? I don’t even know. The next was Angelus. Another made up name for a dying god who isn’t dead and has more followers than probably the biggest church in the state I live in. Another Watcher I didn’t want.

I can’t even remember how Volk and I got to talking about Watchers and demons and such. I’m quite certain half of it had to do with my arrogance and his intelligence. He’s pretty arrogant too. He offered his Watcher, Angelus, to me. I declined. Never ask me a question where I can say no because I’d say no. He sounded so distraught. We were awesome friends. And yet, Angelus imposed himself on me. In the end, I was marked and part of the team. Yay. I sound so enthusiastic about getting deeper involved in the crazy of crazy. When my entire goal is to be normal and blend in with this world and society, more crazy things don’t help. But it’s difficult to pretend to be something I’m not either and I am not normal.

Angelus dies a lot. Go figure how a spirit can die, but they do. He was a construct, not the actual entity. I’ve had constructs. I’ve made them. Quite easy if you ask me, but then, everything’s been quite easy for me. It’s much harder for others. Do you want one composed of an actual effigy? How about one solid as a golem? Or one that just protects you while you’re doing all that astral traveling? How about one to protect you while you’re awake? There’s many uses for constructs. There’s many ways to make them. The most useful to me, are of me. Weird, but true.

The newest Watcher was Xyr, who, apparently skipped the entire bonding process that would’ve had to exist between me and Jay and instead, imposed himself on me. Again. Recurring theme here, I guess, of things forcing their way. For a weak and whiny girl who isn’t anything special, I get enslaved to being a part of something I just normally avoid.

Like Keera and Volk, Jay was needed to simply inform me of a few key elements that would lead to inevitability, which was whatever Watcher(s) that was attached to that individual. For Keera, it was Demonico. For Volk, it was Angelus. For Jay, it was Xyr.

Oh, and did I forget to mention the ArchDuke of Arcadia which is currently at war with the faes? How silly of me to forget such an important and prominent individual! Argh…the mess, the stress, the dramas…you’d wonder why I haven’t cracked yet and gone to the crazy house. That’s because no matter how crazy everything is, I’m not crazy. I only sound crazy.

Sighs

That’s not even the tip of the iceberg…

It doesn’t make me feel better to know I’m consorting around with demons. That’s the farthest from my intentions. One day, I’d like to return home to where I belong. And that’s not with them. So, right now, I persist in only knowing that there’s a bigger purpose for all of this jumbled mess and it will get sorted out later.

The best thing out of all of this, I think, is that I can relate to a multitude of people out there. Whether that’s the really crazy ones or the ones who simply, like me at one point in time, is trying to find themselves and why things happen to them. Being able to tell someone it’s okay and that we don’t actually end up in the crazy house makes everything better somehow. And letting people know that they’re not alone–that made a big difference to me so it’s good to be able to say it back to someone going through a tough time and letting them know that it’ll be okay. It will be okay.

Or is it all just in my head?

That is the question of skeptics. If someone is close to me, or if I hold them in high regards, then the weirdness in my life likes to leech on to them. I guess it’s a sort of blackmail kind of thing, and I never respond well to such things. Friends of mine have experienced dreams with entities from my part of the sphere, some as horrific as torturous nightmares. A lot of my friends don’t know the weird side of me, so they don’t talk about what happens to them and I’d have to hear it to know it. Even when they do know, they would be equally weird too, so it would seem like something weird they’re going through and not an attack from the weirder things concerning me. To everyone out there who has been hurt, I’m sorry. Maybe half of the reason why I’m antisocial is to keep everything in a bubble away from other people.

Most of the time, I don’t affect people in that manner–in the bad way. The whole nightmares thing was settled. That was a specific individual trying to get my attention and I got it and took care of it. The rest isn’t so bad. Tyesha had dreams of me and her and our four other best friends during college in some giant group orgy with a mystery guy that actually invades my dreams from time to time. I don’t even have dreams like that with that guy! Lol. That was a long time ago. He was a Watcher. And he’s actually not a part of my life anymore. He was only there at a time I needed someone to understand and there was none in this world. I was a child. Hope to a kid is heaven. And I hoped.

I actually shouldn’t affect people much. Demonico, Angelus, and Xyr would never bother anyone out of their own free will and whatnot. But I bother people sometimes. It’s kind of hard not to. When you’ve dealt with Watchers your whole life, you notice it in others. Meaning, when you know demons, you notice them in others and around others. The difficult thing is going up to someone and saying, “do you know you’ve got something dangerous with you?”

It’s hypocritical of me to pull demons out of people, knowing that I have them too and I can’t get rid of mine. Well, I take that back. I’m sure I can get rid of mine. But having more is not something I want. It’s something I have to deal with for right now.

People can tell me, “my daughter speaks to angels” or “my deceased great grandmother watches and protects our family” or “god gave me this gift to help others”. In all reality, what they’re really saying is, “this is what I believe it is”. They don’t know for sure. There’s no guarantee that what they believe is what is real.

When I was eighteen, I used to visit this cute little metaphysical shop. One of the psychics there was holding this two day workshop on developing your psychic abilities. I was invited because I was curious in the paranormal and also because I had been going to that little store for the past two years, ever since I could drive and before I could drive

At the first day of the workshop was this cool hippie looking talkative mom and her much quieter sixteen year old. She talked on and on about how her daughter speaks to angels and how they ask her to help them in their quests and everything. I watched this girl’s mom saying all this stuff about her, being proud to have a daughter who had such a spiritual gift. The girl didn’t talk at all. And even back then, before Demonico, before Angelus, before Xyr, I knew. I knew what they were and how dangerous they were. Yet, I almost envied the girl. When I was sixteen, my mom wasn’t that cool and accepting. My mom just avoided my weirdness and pretended that it didn’t exist. Lol. And all day, I stared at this girl who never looked at me. After the workshop was over, and they left, I gathered my courage and decided to talk to her the next day and ask her what the whole “talking to angels” was about. They never came back and I never saw them again.

Real angels don’t need help from people. If they couldn’t do their job without us, then they wouldn’t be angels because angels are greater and more powerful than us. But, a Watcher, a fallen, would have people believe that they are needed, that they are special. Everyone wants to feel needed. Everyone wants to be special. And they prey on that human desire. Everyone wants to be wanted.

I met a woman by the name of Dr. Morgan. Whether she was a real doctor or not was another story. I saw her reading something about the angel Metatron so I asked her what her interest in angels was. She proceeded to tell me that she was Jewish (as Metatron actually isn’t an angel in the Holy Bible) and that God gave her a gift to heal people.

Now, as amazing as it is to be able to heal people, I had to ask, “how do you do it?” And she tells me that she will be walking down the street and she’ll see someone and she’ll point and say, “you have so-and-so disease/cancer/health problem. You have to take this and this and it’ll heal you.” Those people she points to do have so-and-so disease/cancer/health problem. They follow her directions and they are healed. They come back thanking her for helping to save their lives.

And as incredible as that sounds, I’m still the crazy idiot who have to make people think for themselves. So I say, “how do you know that you just didn’t really curse people with so-and-so disease/cancer/health problem and then cure them because you cursed them in the first place?” Her answer was simple. “Because God gave me this gift to heal, not to curse.”

So I said, “what if the power you are using isn’t from God, but from another source. How could you tell the difference?” She gets angry and declares, “because I’m helping people!”

And I nod and said, “yes, but in order to help those people, you first pointed at random and told them they had something which only you can cure. If you never told them and they never met you, would they still end up sick or would they have gone about their lives never being sick?” Oh, she got angry. “My gift to heal is from God and I know it!” is what she said.

“But do you really?” I asked. “How do you tell someone who’s never known God how to know that it’s God speaking to them or helping them and so on? Couldn’t I just come along and pretend that I’m God and they wouldn’t know the difference? How are you so sure?” Her last answer was, “because I know” and she didn’t speak to me for a while. My point was–how do you know if it’s God or not?

A little old church lady, Miss Addie, once told me that in order to know God, you had to study and learn about Him from the Bible. “It’s the same as counterfeiting bills,” she said. ” There are too many fake bills to know which is real. So in order to tell the real bill from the fake, the people study the real bill so much that they can spot a fake immediately.” And while that’s true and relateable to Christians in the United States where the Bible is widely spread freely, what about people in other countries? What about someone who don’t know God and has never known Him?

It’s amazing how much Christian literature I read and how much of it reads exactly like all the pagan and occultic books I’ve read when I was much younger. While it’s amazing that someone cries out to Jesus and Jesus immediately stands in their bedroom and they become saved…with my experiences and my knowledge, I’d be very wary if that was Jesus or if it was something else pretending to be Him.

After all, Jesus isn’t on earth. He’s not here. And He’s not going to pop up to save anyone. Scripture tells us so. (Look up John 16:7, Mark 16:19, Acts 7:55-56, Romans 8:34, Colossians 3:1, Hebrews 10:12, 12:2, 1 Peter 3:22; also look up 1 Corithians 1:7, 1 Thessalonians 2:19, 3:13, 5:23, 2 Thessalonians 2:1, 2 Peter 1:16)

While it seems unprofitable for demons to “save” people and convert them to Christianity, I question why such things happen and why it would be demonic and not of God. It’s a good thing that people are converted and accepts Christ, right? For a Christian, I’m terrible at my work. I’m terrible at believing. Why couldn’t I just believe that that sixteen year old really spoke to angels or that Dr. Morgan actually has a gift of healing from God? Why couldn’t I believe that the deceased spirit of my cousin who possessed his sister and told his family to go get saved and become Christians as something coming from God? What is wrong with saving people? Isn’t the whole point to convert and save others?

Many Christians will go to hell. I’m sure they’ll be surprised when it happens. Being saved isn’t an automatic ticket to heaven. Most will disagree with me here. Go back and read about the parable of the ten virgins in the Bible (Matthew 25:1-13). Please have understanding. Christians can’t do what they want to do and think that being saved actually saves them to a Just and Holy God who does indeed deal out justice. That is why being a Christian means being ready to die/leave at any moment when Jesus returns. There are many reasons why a lot of Christians will go to hell. Ignorance, mostly. Compromisation of their faith. Absolute rebellion and disobedience. The list goes on and on.

Stop oppressing my faith!” Christians say. “It’s God and I know it.” And then they call me a witch, not knowing I’m a Christian.

Stop being blind and ignorant,” I say. Most Christians don’t even know anything about their beliefs. Faith isn’t blind. That’s something people came up with. People come up with the term “blind faith” in regards to how Christians believe in a God they cannot see. (They also say that love is blind too.)

Faith, it is said, in Hebrews 11:1 is quoted as, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (KJV–all italics mine.)

Nowhere does it say that Christians should walk about blindly believing that everything which seems good to people is of God. That’s our mistake–in believing that what we think is good and wonderful has to be from God or of God. I know plenty of people who shout out how horrible God is and questioning how He can do such terrible things if He was such a loving God. And now, that has to say something too. Christians shouldn’t just disregard someone else’s opinion about God as merely an “opinion”.

God in the Bible is depicted as many things, vengeful is one of those things. Romans 12:19 says, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” (KJV–all italics mine.) Jealous is another. Exodus 34:14 says, “For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:” (KJV–all italics mine.) And Nahum 1:2 says, “God is jealous, and the Lord revengeth; the Lord revengeth, and is furious; the Lord will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.” (KJV–all italics mine.)

I can keep quoting scripture, but that’s not the point. The point is that our knowledge and our wisdom isn’t sufficient to God’s. So how can we say that because something we perceived as good happened, that it came from God? Earlier, I said that, “Most demons are in fact, rather useful, rather truthful (to an extent for their own benefits), and rather nice. Yeah, I said it. They’re rather nice as in character wise kindness. After all, being mean and evil and murderous isn’t exactly a popular decision if their main purpose isn’t to kill, but to damn forever so they wouldn’t be alone when all that wonderful Judgement Day thing comes.” And I still stick by what I’ve said.

It surprises me how much people don’t want to know the truth. It’s like Cypher said in The Matrix, “If you’d told us the truth, we would’ve told you to shove that red pill right up your ass.” And that’s how people feel about it. Ignorance is bliss, but to how far will someone pretend and keep pretending that everything’s okay?

I don’t know. This isn’t my fight. I can’t save anyone. I can yell at the top of my lungs until I’m blue in the face, but most people won’t listen and those who will, will only disregard what I say for their own truths. I mean, I get it. I understand. Demonico is incredible and Angelus is amazing and Xyr, well, I haven’t tested him out yet, but he’s proven interesting being the only strangely blue thing I’ve seen (aside from Shaar who is blue, but a different kind)–I understand the entire fascination with all of it. And power? Yeah, you’re talking mega watts of power. Angelus can fry people on the other side of the planet. And Demonico can travel worlds and conquer them. I don’t know what Xyr is capable of yet, but having the ArchDuke as a vassal is pretty impressive. So I totally understand why people would rather choose what they have (or think they have) and not care about their future or their soul or anything else. I’m there with all of you. I completely understand and relate.

And yet, it’s so unhappy, isn’t it? Most of us are alone. Most of us are misunderstood. Most of us hurt and hurt deeply. And it’s sad. It’s so incredibly sad. We’re all so unhappy. Power can’t compare to love. And all the Watchers and all the Guardians and all the Fallen in all the worlds cannot ever fill up that empty hole inside of you.

That is truth. And many of us know it. Many of us deny it. Many of us try to hide it. But it’s still there. Emptiness. Loneliness. We try to fill it with so many things: knowledge, power, sex…it’s just not the same.

 

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Disturbia–Not the Movie and Not the Song

What is disturbing to you?

Is it disturbing when a mother kills her own child? (http://motherswhokillchildren.blogspot.com/ and http://thoughtcatalog.com/jim-goad/2014/04/20-moms-who-killed-their-kids/ and http://abcnews.go.com/2020/infamous-cases-moms-allegedly-murder-kids/story?id=10588541)

Is it disturbing when a man attacks another man and eats his face off? (http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/29/naked-man-chews-other-guys-face-shot-dead-by-cops/ and http://abcnews.go.com/US/miami-face-eating-attack-lasted-18-agonizing-minutes/story?id=16458696)

Is it disturbing that monster/beast erotica is a popular trend in literature? (http://uproxx.com/gammasquad/2014/01/virginia-wade-bigfoot-porn-amazon/ and http://publishingperspectives.com/2013/10/dinosaur-erotica-seriously-oh-yes-and-it-sells/ and http://jezebel.com/forget-dinosaur-erotica-its-all-about-bigfoot-erotica-1501243455 and http://jezebel.com/women-make-bank-writing-dinosaur-erotica-1440797687 and http://theweek.com/article/index/250692/dinosaur-erotica-exists-heres-what-you-need-to-know)

Is it disturbing that many cultures around the world marry off girls as young as eight or nine years old to men old enough to be their fathers? (http://www.girlsnotbrides.org/about-child-marriage/ and http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/06/child-brides/gorney-text and http://www.forwarduk.org.uk/key-issues/child-marriage and http://becauseiamagirl.ca/child-marriage and http://www.pbs.org/now/shows/341/facts.html)

Is it disturbing that 1 out of 6 people (42.6 million with 1.6 million children) live in poverty in the United States and that more than a third of those are children? (http://www.povertyusa.org/ and http://www.nclej.org/poverty-in-the-us.php and http://www.npc.umich.edu/poverty/ and )

Is it disturbing that over half a million people (roughly over 600,000) are homeless on any given night and a third of those are children? (https://www.onecpd.info/resources/documents/ahar-2013-part1.pdf and http://www.studentsagainsthunger.org/page/hhp/overview-homelessness-america and http://nationalhomeless.org/about-homelessness/)

Is it disturbing that 14% of adults in the United States (32 million) can’t read? (http://www.statisticbrain.com/number-of-american-adults-who-cant-read/ and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/06/illiteracy-rate_n_3880355.html and https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-literacy-america)

Ever wonder if you’re the only one who feels a certain way? Ever wonder if you’re the only one who goes through a certain experience? Ever wonder if you’re alone?

Deep thinking makes my head hurt. So music helps a lot. I found this pretty cool remix of Game of Thrones by MelodySheep on YouTube called The Dragon’s Daughter. It’s interesting. It’ll help with softening the harsh things I’ve been thinking about.

And I swear to you that those who would harm you will die screaming. I am the Dragon’s daughter. You shall have a golden crown men shall tremble to behold. And I swear to you, I am the Dragon’s daughter.

What are monsters?

We usually think of human monsters as terrifying people who did monstrous things. Many names come to mind: John Wayne Gacy, Vlad the Impaler, Albert DeSalvo, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, the Marquis de Sade, Ted Bundy, and any number of serial killers. Many people know who the named were, infamous for their deeds while alive. Many people would include the Nazis in that list. But are any of these people really monsters? Ordinary people can do monstrous things.

What does that mean?

It means that human monsters are just like us. We are capable of all the great evil they’ve done. Many will deny that they could ever do such things–but can we really be capable of such horrific things? Yes. Human monsters are not monsters, but human. And we too, are human.

This is probably one of the most difficult posts for me to write, not because of the nature of the post, but because of the great misunderstanding that people will have because they don’t understand. How do you explain to someone that they cannot look at any single human being or at any group and believe that they are less than human no matter what they’ve done? By no means do I condone people going about doing great evil. The point of all of this is to tell everyone that we are all the same. We all have the same temptations. We all have the same thoughts. We all have the same distorted lusts. We are not alone. This post isn’t about being wicked. It is about understanding that we are not alone in our battles. Everyone is fighting the same battle that we are–the battle for our souls.

I’m an author. I write paranormal romance novels. My vampire series has sex, blood, and violence in them. It’s not that surprising to me that there is erotica in every subcategory possibly conceived to mankind. What’s the difference between vampire erotica and dinosaur erotica? What’s the difference between what I write and rape erotica? Or incest erotica? Beast erotica is superbly popular from regular animals to animal hybrids and halfbreeds that resemble humans to mythological creatures like werewolves and vampires to supernatural creatures like ghosts and demons and angels to cryptozoological monsters like bigfoot and aliens (among others).

(I’m fully aware that I’m about to put my foot in my mouth many times before this post is done. I’ll probably just end up confusing people. *frowns*)

How is it any better or more respectable that I write vampire erotica than someone who writes about incestuous relationships in their novels? Technically, vampires are all related by blood–literally. Aren’t they all pretty much related too?

Virginia Wade makes $30k a month on ebook sales writing bigfoot erotica (http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/01/17/how-to-make-money-writing-bigfoot-sex-scenes/). There’s a market for this and things like this–and what does that even mean? It means that we, as humans, have really perverted lusts and we’re really open about it.

I’m really one for saying it since I write erotica, in the sense that there’s plenty of sex in the vampire series (please remember there’s also an incredible plot that is the main focus of the series), and I feel like I’m about to get witch hunted for mentioning that we’re all very blatant with our lack of morals and ethics, but it’s not about the perversion or the lust or how much one particular fetish sells. It’s about us, as human beings, and how far we’ve come to all of this–to accepting it and to advertising and condoning it as if it’s okay. We are compromising ourselves and defending our wickedness by comparison to others which isn’t the point. The point is that we are exactly all the same. We are exactly all the same.

How do we judge other people when we’re exactly the same like them? Human monsters are ordinary people who do monstrous things and we are ordinary people capable of monstrous things. We’re not different. We’re all the same.

Vampire sex isn’t really all that bad since they’re basically humans.

Really? And that makes it okay because they’re kind of human? Have we forgotten that they drink blood and kill? (That’s a made up sentence by me as an example of an excuse. You can take out the word “vampire” and replace it with any number of other things and add any excuse you see fit.)

Do I get off on vampire porn? I get off on porn, period. This is only important because as a species, we as human beings, are preoccupied with our lust for not only sex, but for a multitude of things as long as they’re exciting and new and it feels good.

We get off on people dying. Sad to say, but it’s true. There is no book or movie or game that doesn’t involve anyone not dying. Titanic, awesome James Cameron movie that it is, would not be the same if Jack didn’t die. Almost every Disney movie kills off at least one parent and the bad guy. Disney promotes sex–something I didn’t know until now, even though I’m an avid watcher of Disney movies and cartoons and anime. A good book or movie always has someone that dies. Lots of people dying makes things great instead of simply good. How have we fallen so far that we promote sex and death and violence?

Yet, we can say that our lusts are okay and acceptable while serial killers and rapists and child molestors and terrorists and communists are evil and wicked. How do we even begin to justify ourselves while we condemn everyone else?

I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense. How do we say it’s okay when we think of something or do something, but it’s wrong when someone else does pretty much the same thing?

But, wait. I’m not going to rape someone or molest a child or torture millions of people or impale people on stakes or any of that stuff. What’s so wrong with me reading vampire erotica and enjoying it?

Wrong is still wrong. It’s not about the amount. It’s the fact that it’s the same kind of wrong as every other wrong we think and know is wrong. There’s no middle ground. Just because the possibility of something like a vampire existing is super slim, that doesn’t make it okay to lust after one. Just because we tell one lie doesn’t make it more okay than if we’ve told hundreds of lies.

This is getting complicated. How do I effectively say what I want to say without losing everyone I’m trying to share this with? Let’s try this a bit differently.

Have you ever experienced something super horrible that made you feel like you were the only person in the world that that happened to? We’ve all been there. You’re not alone.

Have you ever thought of killing anyone? We’ve all thought of it. You’re not alone.

(It’s a quarter past 1am. I’ll finish this tomorrow, I hope. I need to sleep and my head needs to rest.)

Hm…it sounds like I’m telling people it’s okay to go out and do monstrous things. No, it’s not okay. That’s not what I’m saying. But if you’ve ever thought about such things or have had dark thoughts and desires, you’re not alone. So it’s okay to get help. From where is the question. Sighs.

I don’t think there’s any delicate way to tell people that they’re really just awful and that it’s okay that they’re terrible because they’re loved anyway. I’m pretty sure that would just mean that I’ll get slapped in the face a lot by random strangers. Not something I want to happen. And not the best way to tell someone about love, but I guess I don’t have any tact. Or a better word is manipulation. I’m awful at convincing people things. I’m terrible at explaining things. And I’m worse at trying to sell anyone anything.

If you strip away everything we’ve done–whether we think it’s good or bad–you still have a human in the midst of it. A person. An individual. No matter how saintly or corrupt we each are, we’re all still the same at our very core. And it is us, our souls, everything that we are minus the perceived good and bad that is worth saving.

Our generations are corrupted. Our generations are perverted. Our generations are disturbed.

Hell wasn’t made for humans. And although every single one of us deserves to go there–from the perceived worst to the perceived best (because there is none that is good)–we are worth saving. Every person is deserving of hell. It is because of grace that we are saved from hellfire.

The message is getting lost.

When I was young, I used to believe that the fallen angels were going to be saved. If God was good and He loves us and He also created them, why wouldn’t He love them too and save them since He is love? I was wrong. I didn’t understand back then. My understanding was clouded. Yes, God is love, but people often forget that He is also just. And most importantly, that He is not limited by our knowledge and understanding of Him. We want God to be whom and what we want Him to be and it just doesn’t work that way.

There are Christians now who still believe that the fallen angels would be saved. Just as there are Christians now who believe that in the end, every person will be saved–a sort of universal salvation.

Two days and I’m tired of writing. I’ll try it another time when I can get the right words to say what needs to be said.

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on June 24, 2014 in Diary

 

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