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Tag Archives: Torture

The Queen of Heaven

In my dreams, there’s always a “queen of heaven”. Please note that all my dreams are horrific recurring nightmares. This has been a constant long before I accepted Christ. That’s not the point. The point is, in my awful and painful recurring nightmares, there’s a very evil and wicked woman who claims to be the queen of heaven.

Now, there’s hardly any logical thought in dreams and during lucid dreaming, there’s a slim chance that I am able to rationalize all the impossible things happening around me and to me as not being real. Pain, however, drives away all thoughts. When you’re being tortured in gruesome ways, your mind tends to disassociate. Everything stops and gets blocked out. You float a bit out of your dream body, much like you would in real life if that happened to you, and you become a spectator on the grotesque event happening to you.

I’m not strong so I run, as much as I can, which always happens to be in painfully slow motion. I’ve gone to extreme lengths to get away, inasmuch as harming myself to wake up. It’s a lucid dream so the knowledge that I’m dreaming is there, although the fear is overwhelming to the point of panic. It’s like being a caged animal. Your senses are cranked on ultra sensitivity alert. Adrenaline pumps through your veins like steroids. You’re simply just frantic and mad, doing anything and everything to get out, to wake up, to leave.

This queen of heaven watches in amusement because she haunts me and tortures me and knows that I must sleep some time, some day. I avoid her as much as I can. I avoid even the thought of her. In my dreams, all the churches are corrupted. There’s a blue book, a bible, dedicated to the queen of heaven. Churches are filled with more demons and monsters than actual people, of which I’ve never seen a real Christian in my dreams, ever.

Because of the nature of my dreams, I used to roam occult sites looking for answers. I wasn’t a Christian. I avoided Christianity. God didn’t help the nightmares. Demons in my dreams found the name Jesus to be funny. And they’d torture me more for foolishly believing that anyone or anything could help me.

New age. Metaphysical. Pagan. Occult. Kabbalah. Catholic. It’s all the same thing wrapped up in a pretty bow.

I used to not sleep out of fear. I’d stay awake with as many creepy things haunting my waking moments as they do when I’m asleep. I’m afraid of the dark for a reason. I’m afraid to be alone for a reason. I was conditioned to fear.

I pushed it all aside. Disassociated it. Pretended that it doesn’t happen. Pretended that I am safe. If I continued pretending enough, then it fades. It trickles slowly into the background, like a camera which focuses on one thing and blurs everything else out until it’s no longer there. That was the solution to my waking life, in order to have any semblance of a normal life, I disassociated the trauma, the fear, and the supernatural elsewhere. I don’t even know where now. But what about my dreams? That’s something I haven’t been able to figure out or fix yet.

I’ve come to the realization that evil exists in this world in an overwhelming capacity. Wickedness works in high places and infiltrates even into our own houses. Yep. It’s right under our noses, staring us in the face.

One of the groups I’m in on Facebook deals with magic. Their goddess is the most terrifying creepy woman ever. “Draw this sigil. Invite her into your dreams. She’s scary at first, but she gives you power and she’ll help.”

What? She’s frightening, but she’s really a cuddly teddy bear?

I never tried it. I have too many creepy women running around in my dreams already, I didn’t need another one with the thoughts of others feeding into some entity that would invade my already unbearable dreams. Who does that? I already instinctively flee from some queen of heaven creature. I didn’t need a queen of the webs to trap me in her webs. How do you even trust something that wants to kill you? It’s insanity.

For fame? For power? For the ability to say that you know magic and nothing can harm you? I don’t understand how people would enslave themselves to entities and demons and such when I’m trying to break free. Nothing, no amount of wealth or power or control would ever make me want to be a part of that or of any other like that. I am human. I will die. And so will the most powerful and the wealthiest person alive on this earth. We are mortals and we will die. And I will at least not die a slave to a beast.

The world is corrupted and corruption is right in our faces, taunting our inability to see it and to understand it.

I find it interesting that people don’t believe in the Bible. They don’t believe in God or in Jesus. Yet, they surely do know all the symbols of the devil. Wake up. All these symbols, all these gestures, all these horns and goats’ heads are not pop culture. They are not what’s cool right now. There’s an agenda behind everything. These images, these references, all these things desensitize people to evil, to the devil, to what’s bad and what’s wrong. It prepares people to be accepting of a master who requires terrifying you, humiliating you, and stripping down every last bit of humanity in you in order to make you a vessel for his own people, for demons.

People of every other religion but Christianity, and many who claim to be Christians, are using demonic symbols and gestures. But why? Surely they don’t believe in the devil because he’s a made up part of a made up religion called Christianity, right?

It boggles my mind, the sheer volume of misinformation and deception people allow themselves to believe, the ignorance of generations too entitled to freedom to realize they’re all slaves.

To see the world for what it is, to see the truth for what it is, maybe it’s so evil and corrupted that people have to disassociate themselves from it like I have to do with my dreams.

God is not a woman. God is not transgender. There is no queen of heaven. People can argue immortal gender issues all they want, as if they should know because they’ve got the inside scoop from so called experts and scientists and whomever or they’re really an immortal or whatever, but that’s the truth and it isn’t going to change. People, in their ignorance, helps to accomplish the agendas of those seeking to control and eliminate you. The world is full of wickedness. Learn the truth and wake up. I need to wake up again and stay awake.

 
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Posted by on July 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The End of All Things

“It’s been a long time since I’ve held a sword, Charly.”

“Then you shouldn’t keep your sword waiting,” he replied.

Chao shook her head. A sword was the end of all things. A taste of blood required more blood and Chao was no longer the same. She didn’t thirst for blood nor mischievous fun. She was mild in manner and always had been, but without Charly and Demonico to slay by her side, there was no point in slaying at all. A game was only a game when there were players to be playing.

“Do you remember what it was like, that first night?” Charly asked her. “I remembered I took you from that forsaken port town and gave you a life of your own. You held that sword in your hand and it danced with you, slicing elegant patterns in its wake. You were great at the game, even much better than Demonico.”

She ignored the mention of the other. She had seen him recently and had used nonviolent ways to set him free from some sort of entrapment. Surely it wasn’t any of Charly’s fault. Demonico had probably been wandering realms when he was caught. The creatures who caught him were ferocious hunters. It took Chao, Angelus, the second Angelus, Shaar, Six, and Five to take down a single entity. Demonico was trapped underground with a horde of them.

Where was Demonico now? Probably home safe with his wife, Anna.

“I don’t live by the sword anymore,” Chao told him. “I live by kindness and goodness and all the things hoped for that are unseen.”

Charly laughed. Kindness and goodness? What was Chao now, a saint? The thought lingered in his throat as a deep chuckle that he couldn’t resist holding down. “Did you forget what we were?” he asked her. He cocked his head to the side and stared into her deep cherry eyes. She had forgotten, or have tried to forget. It was there, her old self, a fading light like a dying star. He held her upper arms and laid his chin against her left shoulder. “We are the darkness that creeps, silent and still, choking all life in our path. We are the heroes that heroes only dreamed to be like.”

His whispers made her shudder. “You don’t even make sense,” she told him. “You and Demonico may be darkness, but I am not and I will refuse to become that which I once was.”

He lifted his head to look at her and frowned. “You loved the blood.”

She nodded. “I did. I relished it.”

“And not now?”

“I loved it too much. The killing. The torture. The fun. If I started again, I wouldn’t stop.”

“You’re afraid,” he said with a smile, confident that he had found out why she changed. “You’re afraid of who you really are.”

Chao shook her head. “A sword is the end of all things. I’m not afraid for myself or of what I might do. I’m afraid of all the ones in my path and that also means you.”

He bit his tongue and released her. “I’m not in your path,” Charly asserted. “Demonico and I are the closest of your friends. You would not hurt us.”

She reached out and touched his cheek. “You and Demonico are indeed the closest of friends that I have.” She paused. “But I have hurt you both and I will again without regard because that’s my true nature. I hurt worse the ones I love.”

Charly resigned his imploration with a smile. “Then perhaps it is best that you do not wield a sword again.”

“I resist the temptations,” Chao said. “When I give in, I normally sleep it off instead. I’ve been good.”

“So I won’t see you again?” Charly asked. It had been too long and she never came by often enough as it was.

“Oh, you will,” she told him. “It’s hard to resist temptations.”

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2015 in Ongoing Story Progression

 

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How People Who Want to Exaggerate How Torturous Prison is is Keeping Jan Marcusse Behind Bars

What pisses me off is all this cry wolf stories about how prisons are specifically discriminating against the LBGT community, which isn’t even true, is that everyone will believe it and not focus on the real questions we should be asking like why prisons are instituted in the first place, and why so many people go to prison or have extremely lengthy sentences, and why completely innocent people are behind bars today. The only people who actually might enjoy prison, would be people from the LBGT community. So many women running around with their girlfriends and so much drama because of their girlfriends. And so many women to be a girlfriend.

Anyone who knows me will know that I don’t give a damn about people’s sexual preferences. It only becomes my business when it’s constantly being flaunted in my face. And all these misleading lies about how prisons are specifically discriminating against the LBGT community and goes out of their way to torture individuals based on their sexual preference is utter falsehood. It’s people like that who try their best to lie about the truth so they can come out the hero who keeps innocent people like Janet Marcusse still locked up behind bars.

Gloria-Goodwin Killian is an advocate of women behind bars. Unlike some other self-called advocates that I know, Gloria actually does help women who are incarcerated. Gloria herself was released from prison after serving 16 years out of the 32-to life sentence that she was given for a crime that she didn’t commit. Her site, the Action Committee For Women in Prison advocates for the humane, compassionate treatment of all women behind bars. ( https://acwip.wordpress.com/who-we-are/ )

Now, this was supposed to be my happy day of playing Sims 4, but instead, I get to deal with ignorant people like below. Since it’s a post shared publicly on Facebook, it will be shared publicly here on my blog as well. It’s not the first time and it will surely not be the last time I have to deal with people of that nature.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204277942082369 )


This is what it feels like to be in prison

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  • 20 people like this.
  • Laura Ramirez Makes me cry even more for my daughter! When will this nightmare end?

     

  • Xao Thao That’s unrealistic. You paint a picture of prison that looks like a horrible tragedy to get sympathy from others. It’s the same as people painting pictures of prisons as some wonderful rehabilitation place to get continued support for it when it’s not that either. It just is.
  • Gigi Gonzalez wow, when was this picture taken and in what country?
  • Vita Lusty Xao, fuck you.
  • Gigi Gonzalez @ Vita Lusty, I wanted to say that but I don’t think she meant what we first read. Anyway, I feel your pain.
  • Vita Lusty HAHA. It sounds like she is attacking Gloria for using a picture that portrays how she feels. If I misunderstood, I will delete the comment.
  • Xao Thao I wasn’t attacking anyone unlike the hostility Vita showed. I’m saying that it’s not realistic to portray anything in exaggeration no matter what your personal opinions of it is. It’s ignorant people who attack others. For a lack of knowledge is corruption multiplying.
  • Vita Lusty Yeah yeah, speaking with emotion and vigor is seen as ignorant. I heard that on a rape thread earlier this week when men couldn’t believe rape statistics. Emotion binds us. Gloria has every right to use a photo that depicts her feelings. Art serves that purpose.
  • Xao Thao Art serves many purposes. People can be passionate about something and advocate and fight for what they believe is right and that’s a wonderful thing. You’re defensive because you feel like I was attacking Gloria and her use of art to portray her emotions. Perhaps you have a lot of emotions about prison. If you actually read what I said, I didn’t attack anyone. Neither was I telling Gloria not to express herself. And neither have I said that Speaking with vigor and emotion is ignorance. I made a statement about the over exaggeration of subjects and topics that lead to wide misunderstandings of those subjects and topics. I said that it’s ignorant people who attack others. No matter what your defensive is, I don’t care about it because you don’t know me. Neither should you take personal offense to what I say because I don’t know you. You bring up rape as if you want me to feel sympathetic for the statistics that men do indeed get raped as well. I don’t let my emotions or what I feel make hasty decisions that I might regret later. A good balance between passion and understanding helps us to think for ourselves and not be led by other factors or other people who can too easily influence our lives.
  • Vita Lusty Sure. That is diplomatic. Sure men get raped too, of course including everyone on all issues tends to stall movement. It is like saying white people get shot too. Statistics in both cases identify a huge difference of numbers. It is better that we look at each case with a critical eye, not just a diplomatic one. As for the rest of it, I have strong feelings about prison and very strong feelings about voices stifled by opinion and criticism.
  • Xao Thao Im glad you’re out spoken. It’s good to have people fighting for those who can’t, and especially those who can’t fight because they’re stuck in the system. The world doesn’t need people attacking each other. What it needs is people who can stick together no matter what those bonds are that holds them. Diplomacy is needed for many things including being heard and taken seriously for your cause. I was given a letter once by an inmate who wanted me to publish a story in which every other word consists of the word “fuck”. Although I understood their great emotions for what was was going on and where they were at and the injustice they felt, derogatory use of language simply makes them seem uneducated and not serious to others. There was no media source that was going to print a story like that. And the same with people. It’s diplomacy that makes you sound serious to others, even if inside, you want to scream out a blazing trail of obscenities.
  • Vita Lusty There is a time and place for both. I cherish many other writers who use obscenities. Power words. Claiming “fuck” comes from uneducated mouths is outdated. Every other word … Well, yeah. That won’t read well. Either way, I am just protecting Gloria and her voice. She has been through hell. She deserves all the time to speak she wants or needs.
  • Xao Thao I’m certainly not stopping her. More people should speak, but more importantly, more people should speak truthfully. I’ve seen too many make up lies in order to gain sympathy for their ordeals. Prison is bad, but it’s not as torturous as most makes it seem. There are real issues that get lost in the midst of other people wanting their fifteen minutes of fame. I’d like for the real issues to be heard.
  • Xao Thao Derogatory language in the sense that it’s used every other word does make someone seem uneducated. I didn’t claim that only uneducated people curse. Neither did I claim that cursing makes one uneducated. Don’t read in between the lines because there’s nothing to to be read there. I’m pretty straight forward with what I say.
  • Vita Lusty I am not reading between the lines, you just seem wishy washy.
  • Xao Thao And you try to put words in my mouth that aren’t there. No harm done. I know what I said because I can say it again.
  • Vita Lusty It isn’t my intention to hijack this thread and talking around issues without ever really addressing them is a bore. Nothing comes out of it but an image you seek to maintain about yourself. Safe. Democratic. Inoffensive. And with no real point at all.
  • Xao Thao I apologize for hijacking this thread to explain. I don’t care about my image. You misunderstood my comment and I explained it. You misunderstood a lot more so I explained that too. I made more valid points than your “fuck you” ever did. Now you know. Our conversation can stop here because anything else you don’t understand, you can say so in IM if you really want to know.
  • Vita Lusty I don’t. Thanks.

 

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2014 in Janet Marcusse, Things Worth Fighting For

 

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